letting go.

made him cry twice. different ways each time. wish it was not like this.

I feel sometimes people should be given grace for leaving.
I wish that i did not have to leave, but how else will she listen. if she will not listen to my words, maybe my silence will have some effect.
i miss them already...i do not know if this will ever be the same.

i do not know how else to say it. idoloveyou.
will you remember that?
will you forget that?
please know that this does not displace my love for you!
how many times do i have to say it?
how many ways can i express it?
in what language is it easiest for you to understand?
i love you.

my friend at dinner tonight was living life for me. he was screaming what i was too scared to show: emotion.
he just kept on getting distracted and would every so often get lost in the conversation and just fall out of the prefect calculated steps we were all so fond to.
he would just stare out into the room, seeing the contents of his mind upon the black hole of the room, letting it suck his attention.
i wanted to so badly fall out of step and be with him. I could not bare to feel though.
it is quite hard to be alone. it feels shitty. i need to do this though...
i mean, have i not been training for this all year long?
some would say, that freedom is freeing...it never really feels that way though.

let it fly.
let me remember to fly.
iforgothowto.

41 weeks.

[The day long, all i saw were people. not a lot of alone time in any way.

I saw people that used to mean the world to me, that do not anymore.

I saw people that looked like others, that do still mean the world to me.

I saw people that I do not even know.

people are important whether you know them or not.

people walk around with beating hearts. souls. bleeding unspoken and spoken feelings.]

This one thing that I have been chipping away at: Mary and Jesus' pregnancy.

Last night I was blown away at what i have been focusing on at Christmas time...only at Christmas time: Jesus' birth. Why not focus on Mary?

Nobody ever focuses on Mary's pregnancy. just the birth of our Saviour.

What about the one that had to wait for him? the one that endured nine months of waiting...for him...for us?

Focusing so much on the birth, and not the waiting, poses an interesting view of the human psyche.

I feel that society always focuses on the end to a means, never the means to an end. the best example being Mary and Jesus...their nine month journey together.

Everyone focuses on the actual birth, not the pregnancy.

one does not exist without the other. the pregnancy cannot be valuable without this end, but the birth cannot happen without waiting first.

people forget how beautiful, yet long, nine months can be. this is the time when things are prepared for this babe that is coming. the time when the most amazing process a human is

capable of: the growth from one cell to a functioning human. the simple, but heavy, act of loving and nurturing another human more than yourself is when this happens. this time is for realizing that someone is about to be so much more important than you.

waiting is essential.for things to become, you have to wait.

for relationships to materialize and flourish, you have to work at it. years.

for people to be born. nine months must be lived.

for a butterfly to arrive, waiting. bread to rise...waiting. wounds to heal-waiting.

{time is so precious. sodamnprecious.}

So waiting is important.

so i think that Mary pregnancy is just as important as the birth.

So i need to think about this more.

enjoy this.

I am sitting here back home, in Milpitas, California, with all of the contents of my wallet strewn on top of my desk. the contents of my bags are strewn throughout my room.

I did not have to do this for each, but i think i am trying to just make sense of this new life that i am living, but this old life that i have come back to dwell in for a while.

even if you do not want to unpack your bags, fishing only for certain things, it seems to me that everything comes out with that one thing: everything is connected. the old and new. as much as you want to forget the old, it defines the new. in different shapes and forms...nonetheless, they are quite connected.

Even though you leave, it does not mean that situations will stay stagnant.

people, love, God, does not stop...things change...you change!

damn, is that not so beautiful?

questions unanswered.
no time no time.
have to keep on moving, running, masking
to keep the smile unquestionable.
the mask will not be lifted any longer.
i thought things would have changed,
but they...will never.
I am done.

13 and 17

"I see through the haze once again, for only a little bit. I am sitting here. I am so changed. God is making me into something brand new. He is building me up again...
The womb is terrifyingly new and makes me clausterphobic, but at the same time, somehow feel safe. Te walls are paper thin, but somehow hold me up. i see outside and I so want to be outside with the familiar and new, but I just need to wait and i do not want to be premature or die in labor.
waiting for labor.
waiting=pregnant.
God is my mother. God is my mother, and I am this fetus. I am just waiting to b born.
Pregnancy is so hard. It is really trying on the soul and on the ones that love me. it is qite hard for me to be there for people because i am not done processing and being nurtured.
Can I not nurture others though?
What is holding me back?
How do I nurture?
I am in God, while God is caressing his hand across the strtched taut skin, containing the fragile contents of my heart, soul, body. Speaking nuturing words through others."

"Lately...over the past week or so....I have been having these vivid dreams with _______ in them. ______ is always wearing soemthing flashy to dance in, and is always in the way of which I wish to proceed.
These interactions usually happen in the cafeteria. For some reason, I always have this accumulation of dishes and it is always a struggle to walk through the cafeteria to get to the dishroom. Always fumbling almost dropping my plates, bowls, cups. never breaking anyhting, buts close to almost everytime. i am always worried what others will think, hoping not to be found out. to know what happened with _______.
I got the feeling that _______ wanted to talk with me the whole time, but not having the courage to allow themselves. (wishful thinking).
This idea that I will spill the contents of my soul agin onto the floor, jut to get trampled on, again is always the motif.
I have been dreaming."

numbing.

"Guard your steps when you go to the house of God.
Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools,
who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God."_ecclesiastes

All i feel anymore is anger.
Nothing phases me save bitterness.
i try to warm up, but i am only cold.

i try not to say anything i do not mean to God, so i say nothing at all.

I always start out, tears brimming, heart wrenching," God...I am...."

I never finish: words never form.
all season long, words have not been completed. things have come undone, never finding enouh ground to wind themselves back together. conversations left unsaid, uncared for, love not lavished fully on to deep deep wounds. every thought left unquenched.

{People say words. my heart beats still into the silence.
feet move, trusting the ground to be there. never slipping.
lightheartedness has left , replaced by nothing.
overwhelmed by feelings unfelt. overwhelmed by untouchable possibility.
night stars turn into sun rays, eyes never adjusting to either one.
the cold. the bitter cold! the angry cold! is the only passion i know.
it feels like home to me.}

...soistayquiet...

goodness and love.

i want to be good.
good to me. good to people. good to God.
good for me. good for people. good for God.
good due to me.good due to people. good due to God.
i want to feel good. i want to illustrate good.
i yearn to seek good.
where have you gone? where did i let you fall?
come back to me.

living.

hello December.
we meet again,
you have changed this time...
you are a lot colder.
but you bring so much hope.
joy.confusion.happiness.heartbreak.
heart building. change. will. familiarity.
my heart is overwhelmed by all this.
today, i cannot find words.
but i know thatisalright. [waiting is nice too.]

here.

As I am sitting this plane above the earth, I am blessed with the sunrise once again. I have not seen it in such a long time.
{not since the semester’s beginning}
The things is, I have never seen such an amazing dawn. With this morning comes renewal. real.honest.true. renewal.
Fos so long, it has been night.so long have I clung to my covers burrowing into safe places thinking that this was the only way to survive. Masking myself, robbing the daylight of my presence.
I have realized though that I have to rise from this slumber sooner or later. Showing the world my morning face, my only proof of this long long hibernation.
I cannot sleep any longer. I was created for more.
We were created to live. To experience. To love above all else…regardless of how much love people lack.

I have also realized
that the sunlight is not “good” or “bad,” but rather “whole.” So much in society, we want to say that things are either right or wrong, bad or good, but who are we to confine the whole? I mean, are we not under the judgement of God? How is something bad, if in the long-run, we are bettered than when we started the bad? How can the one thing we have waited for our whole lives, ruin us?
So, I have decided that nothing is concretely this or that, something or nothing, but just, “whole.” Is not God our example?

Once in a while, especially on plane rides, I will realize more about the bigger picture.
So many times in our lives, we do not realize anything else except our own lives, what we can only see right in front of us. So how could we be expected to see the bigger picture?
Well once again, I saw a little more of the bigger picture. I got so see all the burrows, all the city lights…all the people. Living in Newberg, you forget how many different kinds of people there are and how many of us there are.
[gosh, there are a lot]
It makes me think about more of the areas of my life that I have neglected over the past semester.
It makes me wonder where I was when I started at Foxy, who I was, how I have changed.
It makes me contemplate why I have been placed here, what I have chosen to accept and decline.
The bigger picture. We are all apart of it. So why do we not act like it?

For the last three Novembers, I have traveled back and forth between the Northwest and California.
All for different reasons, but the same love and admiration for God is there. For some reason, my heart has been stolen by the Douglas Fir and the urban life. My heart belongs in the cold, so I can realize the warmth.
Portland, Seattle, Newberg.
Everytime my life changes. Decisions based on displacement.


And I am here.
again.

found.

the end to this week was exactly what i needed.
somehow, this week morphed from this grotesque beast into this budding rose.
this week has just been waiting to explode...it did. into something unimaginable in this time of life.
peace.
so much peace.
overwhelming peace.
[i leave for home in 4 days]

I walked tonight to a friend' house, and made dinner.
all four of us, such different people, untouchable even.
held each other. letting God fill where we could not.
prayed for the first time ever. willingly.just knew that i had to. that i was living to pray this prayer of thanksgiving.
we ate like kings, each bringing with us a kingdom of life that can teach one another.
we talked. we did not. we were there. we be.
[i have missed a lot of people]

my relationship with God is independent of man. that is what i am learning.
[going back is a little scary. so excited still]

1.Ruah 2.Pneuma

I went running the other night, during this crazy storm.
I went alone.
It was one of the most exhilirating runs, i have ever ran.
this is my finding:

[We left together,
running off sync.
I came back, alone,
black holes filled my thoughts.

the trees were screaming,
the leaves dancing around me.
the wind silently sweeping amidst,
slicing objects into a painful screech.
death...creeping, arrives.

I have been late to life lately, so i run harder,
against this approaching invisible brick wal.
I unexpectedly find a companion along the way.
He takes many names: i call him friend.
He sharpens me, while i have nothing to give. he sticks around.

Although he is good to me, i am always in a bad mood.
want pity, he gives me reality. my heart blustered.
And so i run away.
but somehow i am running towards him.
I ignore.keep running. turn left. communication presently severed.

As the storm around me storms violently poetic,
my soul soaks up this strange something beautiful.
In sync i run, alone, but together with my friend.
Both storms reciting verse
one caged by blood, the other defined by oxygen and water.

The trees foreshadow what is to come,
my muscles rage against this cement sidewall,
pushing hard, falling slowly. rhythm finds me, i find solitude.
and then, it hits.

storms blending, my voice becomes the tree
the wind is now what carries me.
leaf, scattering now like worries.
somehow this juxtaposition of blood and air, has unified me and my one friend.
his storm.mystorm. my storm, is his storm.]

for some reason, i have been picturing God this whole time as a nice walk in the park, with birds chirping, and children running around on candy highs...
but God is not.
but God is.
He is everything in the world all at once. He is She. They are apart of the war. the destruction. yet, simultaneously, the daisy growing out of the rubble.
God is unstoppable, and will rock you.me.anyone. there is truth though, interwoven in this rock, like a weed. splitting the granite, redefining it's makeup.
I guess the only thing to do...to keep moving.

[for the last week and a half, I have been trying to finish this...
i think this passage sums this feeling up, quite well]

"The Wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sounds, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
-Jesus

bullet -> .

this week is:
taught me to be patient.
given me space.
been blessed with people, i am beginning to love.
frustrating.
["you understand that you are my shadow, right?"]
exemplified grace.
illustrated life.
shown humanity
["well, i hope it does not rain tonight..." "yeh...me too."]
painted beautiful colors.
colored in the lines.
reminded me of the dance.
["..and that is the dance. THAT is exactly what the dance is!"]
remained silent.
existed between the lines.
transcended time.
["i missed you today."]

all walk.

bantering around each other, stumbling.
i run past everyone, making it an art.
as do you, exerting minimal effort.
when will we ever get to walk?
what invisible rule says we cannot?
this dance is getting old.

my tuesday ago.

the invalid;

["Do you want to get well?"
"Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."
"Pick up your mat and walk."

"See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you."]

-John 5

get up. take all my junk, all the shit, all of the mud. and walk. keep on going, never become stagnant again. do not become passionless. get up, and WALK.

this passage has always been so damn hard for me.
i want to talk with Jesus, and tell him that this life is not as easy as just walking away.
everything is connected. our hearts are woven throughout our lives, not just with God.
i think what i am trying to say is that i doubt that man actually stopped sinning, and that makes me sad. scared. hopeless.

this passage, at the same time though, makes me burn with yearning for healing.
it makes me hopeful that if this man who had lain by this "holy pool" for 38 years...38 YEARS, and can take his shit and walk away from embarrassment, brokenness, physical pain, confusion, utter ostracization, all the muck.
[only 19 years]
he has identified with these things all his life, all this "stuff" that seperates us from God, but when focused connects us with God.

through shame, Jesus hangs on the cross.
through brokenness comes healing hands and being held by God
through confusion, God pushes us to question our faith and what we really desire.
through the rejection, God tells us that even though society will not choose us, he does.

above all of this, through all of this, pushing through the battle. comes healing.
comes healing.
comes healing.
[healingofabrokensoul]

today:
picking myself up.
walking.
not away, but towards;

an airplane ride away.

A soccer game, a bedroom, a movie credits.
A blur, eyes straining the horizon for what once was.
Everything falls, but somehow holds.
A long trip north, just two people.
Hearts spill into an alabaster jar of love.

We are just two people.
Connected only by love.
I search for the meaning of love. of grace. of forgiveness.
And here it has been walking up and down driveways for the past 19 years of my life.

I remember the excitement waiting for you to come home,
Sitting, searching out the window for a familiar light.
Not being able to contain, bursting out of the door.
Being received with love,
pouring into you what I could muster, out of these small hands.

You are so good to me. You are so gracious with me. You are too many things for me.
I am careless with you. I am selfish with you. I am not enough for you.
You teach me forgiveness, while I scream.
You show me love, while you hold me.
You encounter me in the best way you can, and yet it is more than enough.

I have never known love like yours.
I do not understand it. I cannot fathom it. All I can do is try.
Is trying enough? I will never be, what you are for me.
You amaze me. You acknowledge me. You know me.

You are a funny thing, that you are.
You do not know me at all, yet you know so much more about me than I do.
You cannot understand, but you still accept me.
You have no reason at all to love me, and yet you persist.

All these years, I never knew.
All these years, I fought free of your arms.
All these years, I was holding onto the past.
When I knew nothing, you understood everything.

Somehow, you found it in your heart to love me.
When I was, by society, unlovable.
While others would have thrown me out,
You opened your doors.

It takes a man to love. it makes you a man to love, you are a man.
When I needed a mother, you held me.
When I needed a friend, you listened the best,
When I needed to destruct, you would build me up.
You are special. You are a beautiful. You are everything.

When I think of you, I used to see:
Distance, oppression, and carelessness
When I see you know, I see: love and everything that embodies it.
I see cheering me on, while it is my turn to shine.
I see altruism, while I conducted a coup d’état, invading like an insect
I strain, through tears of joy, onto a dim-lit room,
Being held in your arms, singing, and encouraging me in the unknown.

[A middle aged man,
sipping his mocha with three raw sugars,
staring at the people that pass by.
He knows what he is looking for.
He cannot name it, but once he finds it, he will not give up.

Persistence and valiance, hidden beneath an old grin.
People perceive him to be shy and quiet,
break past this façade and you will see beauty that nobody has never known.
Not even he can recognize it.

His life has been a hard one, not seeing the sun often,
His love has always been constant, intake lacking.
He knows what lonliness is, he understands a broken heart.
He is scared to speak, for if he does…he might break.
And so, he sits, and becomes a watchmen.
Searching for the untamable, the unnamable, the un…

Suddenly, his eyes spark, his slouch stiffens
A familiar grin spreads across the wrinkles
Tears start to brim.
He has found it.

And then a blond wild thing,
Arms flailing, eyes bright, cheeks red,
Comes, running towards this man.
He has no other idea than scooping this little thing,
Into his arms, never letting go.
He picks him up…

And everything settles.
Things make sense again.
All the love transcends this fear.
Nothing can break this.]

i choose you too.

the night.

Let it flow. Let it ride. Let it be.
All day long, has consisted of climbing up and down stairs.
Up, down, up up up,down down, dance with someone, down down.
Never finding a destination, just ascending and descending.
No rest. Keep moving, keep moving to survive.
If I stop, surely gravity will ride.
I will not be governed by gravity, no not today.

Picture this:
a cold walk towards a warm feeling.
The flame of candles and hearts deceive images upon the wall.
Voices rise in unison once the crescendo hits.
a sleepy awakening, welcoming hearts.
Descending again, into a place of value and love and healing.
Being held is nice. Holding is nice too.
intention.

This week was so..long.
let it flow.let it ride.let it fly.

the 'tween hours.

November, 3 .everything.
i feel like everything just blurs.
i feel caught in the middle, in every way.

nothing settles.
nothing really makes sense.
nothing comes into focus, either way.

i cannot even try to clutch for anything.
and so i wait.
and so i sit.
and so i keep my eyes open, on the horizon.

for this night is so long.

"Gentlemen look on this wonder,
Whatever the bids of the bidders they cannot be high enought for it,
For it the globe lay preparing quintrillions of years without one animal or plant,
For it be revolving cycles truly and steadily roll'd.

In this head the all-baffling brain,
In it and below it makings of heroes.

Examine these limbs, red, black, or white, they are cunning in tendon and nerve,
They shall be stript that you may see them.

Exquisite senses, life-lit eyes, pluck, violation,
Flakes of breast-muscle, pliant black backbone and neck, flesh not flabby, good-sized arms and legs,
And wonders within there yet.

Within there runs blood,
Te same old blood! the same red-running blood!
There swells and jets a heart, there all passions, desires, reachings, aspirations."

[oh Walty, you put it so swell.]

tamah

little boy, where have you gone?
why has innocence let you wander?
come back to me.
trying to remember where i let go of your hand.

As i walk from person to place to person,
I question and I wonder if they have seen him...
"what is his name? Well, i guess it is...tamah."
and so it begins. everything settling, takes flight.

it has been years that i have been searching for him.
i cannot remember the feel of his hand in mine.
the tug on my shirt.the simple embodiment of love.
i try and cannot seem to place his face amongst the years past...

he does not fit.
he does not belong. he has no home there, here.
still i search for him...
tamah has left with a part of me. i must search for me.

i window watch and try to remember his soft blonde curls.
i try to remember his favorite smells, his names, his belonging.
an image finally comes of him, my eyes glaze over.
time stops.transcends.begins.
while everything around me stops, my mind takes flight.

i wait for words to come to retrieve this image.
...
nothing comes. sentence structure has fled. definite will no longer be my companion.
only words. only small pitiful adjectives can describe what i see.
.beautifulhumblingrightbelovedoddpeacefullychaotic.
it's tamah...it always has been.

i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to jump with joy.
he is here. he has found his hand in mine. he is home.
tamah starts to giggle, for all i can do is smile and dance.
oh to giggle with him brings my heart such joy!
it gives me the strength to rise. to live. to love again.

i pick him up in my arms. he grabs hold of mine.
push and pull. take and give.
he whispers beautiful nothingness into ears, informing me that he loves me.
...how.love.can.be. after so long.
ears strain, arms loosen, eyes catch flame.
i take a leap, and catch his eyes.

i have known this look before. it was once my own.
oh tamah.
his eyes have seen a lot. eyes that nobody wants to look through.
oh tamah.
pain.hurting.happiness.joy.confusion.knowing.growing.innocence.love.
he is strong. much more than me, somehow.
all my years for nothing compared to tamah.

we play for hours, we sit and watch the clouds, we be.
then my name is called...
what once was clear as water, and fluid,
becomes distorted and muddied.
as i look away towards the name caller,
tamah blurs and everything moves.
time begins again..?

i look around me, eveything settles into their perfect place.
i am once again, somehow, in the windowed cafe.
i sit and breathe. breathe breathe.
time has played me yet again.
where did i journey? how long was i gone?
i realize that 3 minutes has passed...only 3.

my quest for tamah, was quenched for..3 minutes, deceitfully.
as i pick up my drink, the barista and i exchange glances, and i leap.
"have you seen tamah? i misplaced him earlier..."
yet again, a no. like always...my heart breaks.
she excalims, "you will find him around here, somewhere. keep searching."

as i leave with, time is still clicking away, mercilessly.
i am opening the door, and as i give one last wistful look for tamah,
i catch a glimpse of him on the window, staring right at me.
he looks different though, but i am sure it is him.
the eyes. the demeanor. the look.
as hope rises in me and my heart takes beat again, i turn around.

he is not there...
i was sure he was there, right where i was standing.
"tamah?"
where have you gone?
how long can i go without you?
come back. please. i need me.
9 years, 5 months, and 27 days, has been long enough.

"tamah?
come back when you can, okay?"

burning inside.

hmmm.
sleep ran away last night, but was replaced by dreaming.

1.i was half asleep for this one, and i could wake myself up from this one. i did several times, it made me really uncomfortable.
I could not get my way=the epitome of my concious. it does not matter about me anymore, if that makes sense...i have to keep moving even when i cannot have my way, for if i stop...ihavenoidea. [imightbreak.]
2.my dad died. i was with my step-mom, and she was driving. i was so angry and so upset. she pulled over the car, and we were in the middle of this right bright desert. i started dry heaving and crying and cursing God. i I woke up sweating. it makes me think a lot about the people that God has surrounded me with. i was so angry, i still feel the rage rushing through my veins.

i never get to dream.
hmmm.

woke up.

"scale of 1-12?I feel all."
a good friend asked me that this week. All i could say was that i feel all. my true feelings transcend every feeling, but at the same time i feel every feeling ever made:
anger.joy.hopeful.despair.timidity.passion.love.forgiveness.understanding.total and utter confusion.
everything makes sense, but at the same time, nothing does.
my whole life leading up to this feeling, everything makes sense.
i screwed up. i fucked myself over, but at the same time this is exactly where i need to be, what i need to sift through.

it's like you think you understand what God is trying to say.
then he takes you by the face, looks in your eyes, and gives you a big,
"fuck you and whatever you think. you know nothing of me and my plans for you. you sit there, and think about what any of this means. you come back when you are ready, i will be waiting. i always will be and always was, trick."

iamterrified.iamhappy.
empowerment.discouragement.
loved.noselfworth.
free.enslaved.
everything. all of this. all at once.

trying to forgive. be forgiven. to love.be loved.
all i can do is be.
there is truth in that.
tomorrow, knowing, and be=what i am clinging to.for.from.

waking up.

Twenty Three

"Arise Oh Lord
Lift up Your eyes
Don’t forget I’m helpless

Oh You lead me to waters and pastures so green

Oh You pour out Your oil and choose goodness and mercy for me

No I will not be in want

You’re with me

I will not fear

You comfort me

I will not fear

Everything I have ever wanted, I have found in you."

fallhard.fast.passionetly.

oh jeez.
so many thoughts and images and feelings, swirling in my head:
pictures of rainy days that transcend time and stay put in my thoughts.
late nights within dungeon. joan.
hypnotic hips swinging to the rythym of everything good.righteous.glorious.
walking with people.
being held. being valued. being loved.
regardless of:who i am.
what i can and cannot do.
wholovesme.
time is so precious. i have realized that this week. time is so damn precious.
so much of it to spread around, but somehow is slips through our fingers like sand.
i have realized that i value time with people so much. just holding one another's hearts...
time to dialogue. time to love one another through listening,feedback, and care for each other.
time is my favorite thing to give and receive. if that is all i receive for the rest of eternity, time, i would be fine.

all day long i spent with you. it meant a lot brother. friend. you mean a lot to me.
youaregoodtome.
hopefully, i can be that unto you.
took a walk, pressing buttons, stealing beauty every chance we got.
walk.walk.walk.breathe.cry.breathe.
words were said all day that crush,build, make me want to be better.
we always sharpen each other.
came to an end of beautiful vibrance, sitting, playing, thievery [right and left]
we left together.came back seperately, but you still found a way to love me friend.
you are a heavy weight in my heart.
[thankyou]

placed in my life, has been a number of people that have showed me God's love.
they are all so gentle with me...delicate with my heart.
ineedthat.
delicate hands massaging me back to life.
holding me up when i cannot.
pushing me to be better.
their hands are on my back, arms in front, hearts touching.
these people: shygirl.aussie.gingie.freebird.joan.lumberjack.c.e.t.
my family.youlovei.

yellow song-bird, coal mines

i dig. i dig. i dig deep.
all day long, we all go. we dig.
that is what we are here for...to unravel the dark.
or unravel in the dark?

all of us, dressed in generic suits, fused into our skins. masks, some would call them.
clinking away. everyday, breaking away the boulders of our chest.
this dance has a certain rhymth to it...you know?
it might just be me...

wake up. pretend to be happy.
the sky is dark again. the day has begun again.
breathe breathe breathe. listen.
a beautiful songbird whistles.
time for work again.

even though i will never understand work, i love it.
regardless that we are called to work hard, to work valiantly...
in some deep twisted part, we love it.
working the stone slabs, humans call the heart, everyday.
scrubscrub.scrape.pick-ax.scrape.scrubscrub.
whistling echoes the beat. the breathe intake.

the soot covers my hands, my ribs, my intestines, everything.
everything is marred, nothing can escape the messy.
everything i touch, that touches me, becomes complicated and relevant.
i need to be careful now...this is delicate work, hacking away the thousand year-old coal.
a thousand more and it could have been diamonds, nobody can ever wait...

underneath the earth, a couple of miles, we work.
day in.day out. rain. shine. snow. clouds. fog.
it does not matter, the whistling never stops.
will it ever? will i ever get to rest?
breathe.whistle.breathe.whistle.breathebreathebreathe...breathe.

calm transcends. glances exchanged, nervous laughs.
the songbirds cease to drive. we can stop.
this is what begins. this is where we make or break.
there is a choice. to stop and run. to brave death.
my eyes glaze over as axes and hard hats around me drop, arms flail.
i am shoved toward the light of the surface...the surface.
fuck.

my mind makes the only rational decision.
i run. push. scream. fight my way back down.
i will never go back up. i have seen the ugly. neat. flightless people.
all my hard work! for nothing...i do not think so!
is there no perseverance in these sheep? is there no courage?

my heart knows nothing else.
even in the face of death herself, i cannot give up my work.
my grinding, revolting, beautiful work for the deeper inner-workings.
even if i die getting there, i cannot waste one minute resting!

i must tear down these walls around my chest,
even if the whistling has stopped. even if i find no logic, no basis.
i must persevere through the silence and cling: with
for
to faith
this is what...i know.
this is...what i need to know.
i dig. i dig. i dig deep.

nameless face.

too bright. too warm. too much.
get back, drag me out now. get me out of here.
i cannot take much more of this.

I sit here, the life here has left,
breathed into another life.
a life better than mine, a life more deserving than mine.
where did i go wrong?

i gave too much. i put too much in.
i cannot look you in the eyes anymore.
distant. somewherenorth. somewhere high.

my wings yearn for the wind to pick me up.
the air is too thick for take off,
the fog settling nicely.right.in.my.way.

my eyes glaze over trying to search for the good.
how to be good again? where to begin again?
my eyes fall, downcast, closing them, my guide to light.

starting over. wouldn't that be nice!
oh how i wish.
hello, my name is...
nice to meet you...
nonchalantly.
never to talk again.

my arms cannot find strength to pick myself up.
my legs are tired from treading.
my heart pumps slow, unsteadily, finicky.
waiting for something. anything. everything.

i start to drown again.
my eyes open searching for the meaning of life.
this time, the water is more viscous, more violent, just more.
pick me up. drag me out. get me out of here.

people exist.

lately, i have been thinking a lot about people.
how much they mean.
how important EVERYONE is!
we all have stories, we all need to be heard, we all need to reciprocate love in whatever form we can.

i sit here. sleep evades with all chance of feeling rested tomorrow, today.
i have too many thoughts inside.
let me speak them.

one of the things that is hard for me is that i overextend myself.
i want to be everyone's person...ba.ha!
i am a sad excuse for the silohuette of what i wish for.
i feel like God gives me a lot of strength though to strive to be that.
i find the most beauty for people when i am:
tired.gone away.fragile. i see most when it is not through my eyes, but through God's.
when i am hurt, for i feel that is when i can most understand people.
loaded gun, aim, shoot.

it hurts to see people that vulnerable all the time.
i find myself pouring into them, where to stop?
when does it become hurtful and unpleasant...is this what real love is? so much that it hurts....
a lot of thoughts.
berggirl, you are beautiful and lovely. you are worthy of those words. knowlove.seekpeace.

edgarallenpoe.

this week;

my voice is not strong enough to convey the emotion, the love, the respect, the amazingness of this week...
i wish i could.
kcjniurtwgjbvaklvgifaerbvbk...there.
there, now you know.

today, i wrote a few things down:
1.words have so much meaning.


2.God is amazing.


3.everyday, not just today, has so much potential. make it.

let it be.free.

[i want to be free. i want to fly free of my insecurities.]
I want to walk alongside you. i want to walk free of your hand though.
we can walk together.BUT i want to be okay with you leaving.
i want to be able to stand alone and be okay.
hmmm.
[Iamstorng.Iamvulnerble.Iamloved.]
as are you.

into the dark.

so many thoughts. ugh. lovely thoughts.
hard feelings. good vibes.

walk walk. in step. heart and head. keep the pace, hurry up now, never lose it.do not lose this.
eyes beaming. heart overwhelmed, brimming over.
fingers and toes, frigid. head and heart warming, comforting.

i can see through the fog, looking out across the vast sea now.
what have i stumbled upon?
from where do i begin? how to explain?
the water, churning and splashing playfully.
my calves saturated through to the bone.

i look towards the horizon,
trying to memorize the vibrant colors.
the dark of night blending into the colorful sun's grasp.
i try to memorize what this juxtaposition feels like.
i am not blessed with this, everyday, never-day.
God, this is beautifully captivating.

the sun creeps away,
our day has yet again come to an end.
so much to process. contemplate.
i am already forgetting what the day looked like.
come back to me. "come back!" i cry.
my eyes dart back and forth between the present and past.

as i look towards the horizon for recognizable familiarities,
all i receive is wishful thinking.
things i once knew myself, but have forgotten.
"give me back!" i yell.

i scream for what i feel,
for what i cannot see,
for the unknown.
.fear sets in.

the tide begins to rise,
all i seem to know is that i should walk. move. keep going.
you lead. i follow.
the waves crash harder against my thighs.
i no longer know if my feet are moving,
or if i am floating towards the foreshadowed hue of nothingness.

my chest heaves. tears stain. my mouth gurgles sea water.
i fear, for the depth can be so daunting.
how long can my gills breathe?
how much pressure can i take?
as my eyes search, straining for something to hold onto,
my feet catch, everything swoons.

although the crystal clear surface of the water is gone,
although my vision blurs,
my heart jumps for joy. my head knows better.
has my brokenness not taught me more?

the sea spins me.
the waves surround.
the current flows, inconsistent to my needs, regardless of what i want.
you lead. i follow.
i swoon to the rhythm of this beautiful dance. my heart brims.
although i cannot see into the abyss,
even fathom its vastness,
i know that this is hard.good.beautiful.right.complex.glorious.

as my sea legs begin to find motion,
i find i love the water. i love the way it makes me feel.
confident. seaworthy. loved. present. i am supposed to be here. i feel.
i feel, and once again i know that i am human.
i know that i can find beauty once more, in another form.

can i get used to this?
how long can i play this game? how many innings am i worthy of?

God.
what.the.fuck.
you know me. i hate how good you are to me.
i hate that you have given me this end. i hate that once again i am me.
i love that once again, i can rest in your arms.
once again, i am not strong enough. i need your rest.
i find a home.
iamhome.

sleep invades.
these exhausted eyelids have not seen rest in quite a moon.

new day.

there is beauty in the right now.

i feel disgusting. i look worse. i am sitting next to a dear ginger...

i. am. me.

protection.

bravery.

peace.

iamloved.withoutyou.

through YOU

Wednesday, was so hard. exhausting. empowering. i could not handle it all.
Nonetheless i had coffee with a dearfriend, or whatever.

oh, how i wish for light.
oh, i wish to be held by you God.
i have no idea where I am. should be. how to be.
it's hard, but i cannot think of anywhere i would rather be.

i need to find you again, in whatever that looks like. maybe something new.

oh bloggy, you are too bittersweet.

"4.This is what the Lord says to me:
'As a lion growls,
a great lion over his prey-
and though a whole band of shepherds is called together against him,
he is not frightened by their shouts or disturbed by their clamour-
so the Lord Almighty will come down to do battle on Mount Zion and on its heights.'" isiah 31:4

i feel like that:
wherever i am at
whoever i become
whatever i think-
God will protect my heart, if i allow myself to be.

i think the trick is to find out how to do the deuce. donotletmebeasheep!

amazing day.

i sit. i breathe hard, i exhale barely. you have caught my breathe yet again.

short walk under clear skies. fingers cold amongst the empty hands.
breathe in. breathe out, you can do this.
warm concrete bricks. good music. better voices.
to be happens. dancing bodies, eyes reading for knowing.
secrets worn on others sleeves.
caution. step back: too much. too much.

sleep comes finally, alone once again.
pictures fly in and out of view. unseen light hits the inside of my eyelids.
one picture plays over and over: groves of existentialism. late night giggles.
let me be, stop torturing my heart.
is this life not funny?
the heart wants what it can never have.
we play this game with ourselves: this game of "what if". we play ourselves into heartbreak.
we build ourselves up on these romantic ideas of love. these things that would NEVER be.
not that society should not let it happen,
butthattheywouldneverbethatperson.
letmewakeup.

is it bad to live one day in a lie?
i loved yesterday. it was a really really nice day.
you were my lie...

hello.

how do i say things to you?
why do i want to?
i want you to realize what you mean. i wish i could make sense of you.
I want to know why you have taken my heart. you refuse to acknowledge it and me.
what is wrong with you? what is wrong with me to make you so relevant?
youscareme.

give me back. or
let me see you.

an inconsistency in definition.

reality.

you think you understand. but you do not.
you never quite fully grasp anything.
you try to find tangibility. you try to hold on.

grey area. thick fog. hmmm.

so much in this society today, we try to define define define.
i do.
it seems to make things easier. it seems to bring peace from this chaos.
i find that i like punctuation because it give me definition. it gives me a border, a perimeter that i need to stay in.
a need to color inside the lines.
sometimes though, our ideals are not inside those lines, borderless.
sometimes...our hearts are outside those boxes.

what happens then? where do we go from there?

all i know and understand is that i hate the black and white.
i do not know if i could ever go back to that..is that even possible?
can people lie that well to themselves? this is real life...?

it's fucking terrifying to be there. to be here.
should i go back?
never

love.

i am learning that love is messy.
it's never what we want.expect.understand.
i wonder if God has a part in this whole love thing, more than we understand.
i think that once i accept God's love and His grace, then maybe....
maybe we can finally learn how to love each other.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 1john 4: 7-12

oh hello.

thanks for listening.

hrtbrk.

happy 4th of October world.
facing one's own faults is quite hard.

i realize that i am not the best at life.
sometimes, we all make horrible decisions. sometimes, our choices ruin other lives.
is that not the scariest and most responsible thing you have ever heard?
we have weight.
our own decisions can "make or break" someone's day...theirchoices.theirimpact.
we all are significant to someone and hold weight.
so much truth.

iamsorry.i never meant to make you feel that way.
i feel i deserve an apology though...
youwillnot.

i feel like we are a very prideful people.
what would it look like, if we all just apologized to everyone we know, for everything we did wrong on them? what about the things we had no idea about...would we let those that hurt us know? would they even be sorry if they apologized?

longhairgirl.
iwishsomanythings.
letmeknow...
whenicanforgivemyself.

walk.walk.walk. silence swallows. overwhelms. heart swells
pace ourselves. even in step. tears fall. anger rises. windwindwind
light 'em up. burning sticks. sweep me away into yor arms of love.
too bright, for this dark dark night. let me know that i am whole.

sometimes, when we sift, through the real shitty things.
we pass by all of these things we should grab hold of.
once in a blue moon, when we are searching for an existential happening,
we pass right by the simple things that sustain us the most.

tonight, i felt my heart beat.
i laid on the concrete sidewalk, listened to the trees talk, and knew that i was alive.
thanks again.

witches and goblins

happy October 1st.
hello October, nice to see you again.
i always change. you are so constant.
cannot wait for you to know me...

must go.

i am at a loss for words.
so many things have happened...my heart overwhelms because....know that you are loved.

i got the priviledge to lead guys through an exercise of naming ourselves, instead of being owning the names that people have placed on us...stereotypes.prejudices.hurt.broken.vulnerable. i saw guys step out of their comfort zones and be themselves.
beauty transcends. i could not help but be in awe of how doubtful i was about everything.

God. who are you to love me? God, who am i to be worthy of this?
thanks.

i have not been able to really think about this week, but i know that this..whatever this is, will be, could be....is good.

gone away.

shaved that shit.
i miss free time. ha!

i sit here staring out the window,
watching the cars go by;
i am tired and my bones show.
i feel good today. i kicked today's ass..hard.
God...
where have i gone? why am i so far?
my head whirls.
cannot think through this fog.
although, we are seperated, i know things were once good.
i remember that.
you know the intricate folds of my inner being,
understand me more than i can even fathom.
youloveme.for who you have made metobe.
thanks.
postscript. sorry that i am me.

learning to be me. learning to find truth everyday. i need a groundation [ground+foundation]
i miss flying.

enter in. hello, nice to meet you. let's talk.

a new day.

everyday is new.

with the sun's hello comes a washed visage.
do not paint a picture...leave it alone.
be new.exist.be.
with each new day comes another chance.
it means we are not damned to our imperfection.
we can rest in God's embrace. even though we are dirty.
even though as hard as we try to scrub off these visages, we cannot.
we are broken. we have pasts. we come with nothing of worth.
BUT! we cannot forget. we must remember,
God forgets. he takes us in whatever state we come in, regardless.
He is the one to brush us off, take our hands, and walk along side us in the morning mist.
renewal everyday. do not forget, He forgets.

[do not disregard God's soviergnty though. He will flip your ass in a quick minute.]

i am of no worth. You find worth in me. thanks.

"The LORD will fight for you;

you need only to be still."
Exodus 14:14

trying to remember this.hardhardhard. so worth it.

picture perfect.

trying to figure out what i am, with God, in God, for God.
This week has been a hard one. a lot of things to think about and change. I am trying to be more intentional in my relationships with people.
this is all hard to do on top of homework.

I am reading through exodus right now for my old testamnet class. it is amazing.
Moses is so...inspirational. I want his tenacity and strength. he has so much COURAGE.
God said "GO," and he did. HE DID.

I want to follow like that. give me strength.

rainy day.

This day has been an interesting one.

Chapel today, was inspirational...a little bit.
I was blown away by the way the speaker illustrated our relationship with God.
he used unlikely, but such fitting, words to describe what our relationship with God should become, should have become before the Fall of humanity.

So many times this week, these past three weeks, have I heard this talk about Adam and Eve and their ultimate sin...many htoughts have been presented. Many times, the idea is presented that our relationship with God would have come so naturally, like the decompostition of the Earth, like the creation of the world on paper, when you remember your first love: how easy it was to be around them, how easy it was to give your heart to them...
This is exactly what, who God is though....this is what i have read and been told:

love.

This is a hard concept for me to understand because I am nowhere close to God at all. in no way can i call myself altruistic as Jesus has been called. There is no way for me to come close with what Adam and Eve had. i am a sad excuse of the shell of a Christ follower.
The speaker today said that they[adam+eve] were naked, but not ashamed at all in front of God and each other. This is difficult to undersatand becasue the way naked is used in our culture signifies no clothing. naked bodies. private parts. blushing faces. This is not what God had intended for us, his creation...I was created, i was supposed to be created without shame, lack of insecurity, stable. God made us in his own image.
we were created to be vulnerable with each other, created to love each other, created for relation with each other.
what will this truly look like? were we supposed to love everyone? what would it look like if humanity had not picked the short stick? would there still be a Jesus?

How do i? i mean...i am not sure if i can be relational with everyone. it's literally impossible. how can i go, everyday, sin judgement?

a friend asked me today something today:
David, what are you looking for?

i said, "God."

I was walking somewhere today. alone.contemplation.
I wondered waht it would be like to ignore these feelings of deep wounds. this feeling of lonliness, hard thoughts. hard to face myself. i contemplated this idea of running away from these feelings, supressing them, and just forget about them for awhile. how good that would feel.
I was savoring the idea, licking my lips for the taste of good feelings, swooning to this utopia...then it hit me.
I was given these feelings for a reason. if God is relational, and God gave us this human condition of seeking people intimately, i would be running away. i would be brushing past my emotions and my feelings, and acting as if these feelings were irrelevant to being. to be. irrelevent to God's relationship with me.
i would be running out on God. i would be fulfilling what i have been trying to stop, my lack of faith.
i am not running this time.
things shall pass with time...

it rained today. with rain comes renewal. hellorestart.

blank canvas.

I guess i am just tired.
tired of the unknown, and romantacizing about what could be.
i am finished with building people up in my head.
i am tired of letting myself down, everytime. everytime. every single time.

i am searching for this thing. searchingintently.
i know not what i am looking for, but i seem to open myself up to anything that looks remotely like it. anything that feels like it.
i do not know who i am. i know what i feel. i do not understand how people know who they are.

people were singing this song in chapel today, goes like this..."i know who i am," 3x....i do not get that. maybe these hundreds of people around me, really do understand themselves. maybe, i am just the weird one that was born with an imbalance?
it is my struggle everyday to understand myself more. hello college. hello God.
This is me. i am trying my hardest to understand who God made me to be. Why he wants me to be. tobe.
hardest thing i have ever done, to understand God's relationship with me.

such confusion.

i am confused.
i guess i feel like i should be impressing someone right now. ha! i feel like i should be writing in this differently to make you see me more, more like you. gosh, when did i become so...hopeful? so dumb? so passionately enthralled by the idea of you? we will never happen. gosh.
i see myself being repulsed by the idea of hopeless dreaming and hopeless love, but i am exactly what i hate.

i watch so much everyday, from place to place. i walk, i see. i see, i judge. i judge, iamshamed. how can i be so naive and ignorant to the fact that everybody is in the same boat.
scared. acceptance crazed. expectations never fully met.

so many thoughts swirling inside. so many things left unsiad, but felt through my bones.
what.the.fuck.

none of this was supposed to happen. i guess i had this idea. this plan of what could go down, not of what actually will go down.

ifallfast.

let it fly. let me fly.
p.l.db

eye of the beholder.

tonight.

what.the. hell.
today was so much more than i thought it could have been.so good.

it took courage tonight to take my shirt off. symbolically and literally.
i took it off, literally, to be a "skin" on an...ULTIMATE FRISBEE...game. i never take off my shirt, very crazy tongiht. i never ever do that. the things God does with me!
Symbolically, my shirt, my comfort, my shadow to hide behind, i took off this evening. i walked along beside a true friend of mine...with that ginger girl. she needed a friend, and i let her know i am here, for however long she will let me be. scares the crap out of me, but i felt God giving me strength to be brave. vulnerable.
she has potential. she is fragile, yet strong, but still being molded. are not we all?
she has a spot in me. i wish good things upon her. i wish truth upon you ginger girl.
i got a thing for gingers...bs.

let it fly.
tatooed onto my left thumb?

haning out with alaska is more fun than not. he is so chill. i enjoy his time even if we are BOTH on our computers. he is a grand time.

love.peace.db
postscript.remembering who i am today.

sitting outside.
frantically running from bees and french homework.
listening to foreign music.
lovelovelove today.

buller's shearwater.

peace of mind.

this whole song explains everything. i keep on trying to pick and choose, but i cannot...everything is so right. i want to walk with you, next to you, whatever distance. we all change.letsnot.
wish it was that easy...

today we served for the day around the portland area, the whole school.
it was a little harder than i thought. brought a few memories back from high school mission trips.
worthless feelings. hard to persevere. difficult to find peace.
i did.isawthesunrise.

Lately...
i have become this paternal figure to some. this scares me. so much responsibility.
i like being this, but i hold a lot of weight.

last night:
beautiful words spread around.
giggling behing locked doors.
mashmellow shoot out.
late night study sessions turned life stories.
missing dads.

offensive.

Hello, my name is College. Nice to meet you.

I went to a church this morning, and I have ever been so angry and loved it at the same time.
The sermon was about creationism, out of Genesis. The man speaking was a valid teacher, credentialed and all, that was the most offensive man i have ever heard speak.

He kept on bringing his own opinion into the sermon. evoluntion.portland.liberals.PETA.greenmoevment.globalwarming. he has every right to those opinions.
i think the hardest thing was that evryone around me was agreeing and laughing at all the right points. They were so nonchalant about the things he was saying. That scares me a little, to be one of the few in this church that disagreed.
i am starting to realize how good i had it in the bay. i am starting to realize how amaing diversity of culture can be. i am starting to realize how good it is to have different thoughts around you, instead of being surrounded with like-minded people, in regards to politics and religion.

the last few days have been hard ones. but so good for me. so good.

there have been:
late night walks amongst the woods.
twinkling lights burning in hands.
feelings torn. bridges built. honesty spoken.
open air.
studying.stuying.new thoughts weaved.
coffee,books,freinds.

my mango be ready.

blah.

i like most of my roommates.
give me difference in perspective.

introspect.

"Just so hollow and ineffectual, for the most part, is our ordinary conversation. Surface meets surface. When our life ceases to be inward and private, conversation degenerates into mere gossip. We rarely meet a man who can tell us ant news which he has not read in a newspaper, or been told by his neighbor; and, for the most part, the only difference between us and our fellow is, that he has seen a newspaper, or been out to tea, and we have not. In proportion as our inward life fails, we go more constantly and desperately to the post office. You may depend on it, that the poor fellow who walks away with the greatest number of letters, proud of his extensive correspondence, has not heard from himself this long while." -h.d.t.

beautiful words of wisdom. i am in awe.

euphoria.

Do you ever just have those days, where you have no reason to be happy or excited about anything...but you are. you have piles of homework and you are loaded down with emotional baggage and could take a nap all day....but you are happy about all of this. you are excited to learn. grow. to be.

bcqwuoyfvuyoqhbhjbscdov vcuov. so happy.

the sun, behold, is beautiful.

music flows through my motions, signing out good vibes.

friends.

playful sillies. hiding shoes. laughing wildly.

today has s much potential. letsmakeitgood.

some points.

dark walk down the twinkling streets.
trying on new people. old soul, new body.
sit.laugh.reading each others eyes as if we were creating novels.
hard walk over a hill, home again.
breathe some old air, learned some new things.
lovelovelove. searching for peace.

some points.
I have noticed that a lot of people, namely the male population, changes around others, namely the woman population. It bums me out. i mean i guess that it is the same thing either way. I think it is more noticeable to me, for i am apart of the male percentage...orwhatever.
I guess, in general, it saddens me to see people seclude themselves from getting to know other people just for wanting to be around a certain person. weirdtome.
is it though? Do i totally play into that thought? am i exactly what i do not like?
thinking thoughts.
deciphering life.
tryingchangingcollege.

i also really like when people know when to stop and relax. i love when people can tell me that they would rather just stick at home, then hang out. i respect that so much more than overloading to make others happy.inprogress.
gone again.

dirty feet girl.you be missed.

ho down.

tonight. today. right now is so much fun. have not had that much fun with strangers in so long.

just got called a social butterfly...? weird.

Today there was a hoe down...so crazy awkward. lovely. weird. funfunfun. everybody knew it was going to be lame, but everybody made it fun. i love those events. icebreaker=the best.

college is so consuming.

named both my ipod and my computer, and almost my camera-kitty.

i realize that wherever you go, you need to find God. he might be visible, but most days, you must search and seek him out. you never make this easy. hardshit, this lifestyle is.

pldb

new.

oh jeez. college is fun, if you get into it.

the whole finding and making friends thing is a little hard. stressful. exciting. vulnerable...

i have three roommates! aleksander. marquise. quinton. we are all very different, but try and have a good time around each other. the guys on my floor are all pretty cool. at first it was awkward because we were all dancing around each other's toes, but we have become more comfortable as time progresses.

i wish i had more time to reflect, but thus, college is crazy. i have a two hour lecture on "life here, at George Fox!" I am actually looking forward to it.

give me peace. strength. i have been blessed beyond what i know.

Isaiah 25:1

O Lord, you are my God;

i will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things,

things planned long ago.

starting over.

i cannot be defined anymore by what once was.what will be. what has always been.

i am hurt.
confused by my wholelife.
frustration has become my companion. i need new friends. ha!

hmm.
today i start brand new.

on one note though, i hve never felt as loved or supported by individuals in my whole life, as I do now.wowwowwow.love. youareconstant.ineedwantyourdust.

overflow.

overflowing love.
expectations brimming over.
so many good feelings.

car is packed.
heart is finally here.
head is filled with thoughts and memories of lovely moments in this small town.

finally, it is time for me to leave....
i will miss it. i will miss you...you taught me how to fly. thankyougirl.
done.saidmypiece.
love.peace.

Silly fun!

Tonight was so much fun. i have not had silly fun like that in so long. it felt so good to let go and just be. lovedit.

runrunrun went my soul. i followed his commands. so nice. running high from smoke.
eateateat went my hands. i followed their commands. portabello is delightful.
secretssecretssecrets were on my hands. giggles heard for miles in the clear mountain air.

time with friends has been so grand lately. tuba players will be missed dearly though. true friend to me. truly one of a kind person who loves me for me, and no other reasons. beautiful to fully accept someone. love you. you will never be forgotten trick.

ready to fly north for the winter. ready to go against it all. ready to fold in.
i love you. i love what you have for me. i love what you have given me. thankyou.yousuck.

stationary.

i trytrytry. time and time again, i fail.
discouragement. wonder. mind and body run cold.
i have no choice but to be. let me be. let me remember the good times.

today. i feel so damn dumb.
blech.blah.barf bad feelings.

Big Boat.

N&*$

I am so sorry.

You know what life is. you experience. you live.

It must be so hard for you...so fucking hard.

You go day to day living a lie.

You are not attracted to girls!

You have no idea...I know.

I am so sorry.

You fascinate me.

I accept you and encourage you to be the man God intended.

This might be the most confusing time in your life...cling!

Cling for tomorrow.

Free bird, fly away.
Tomorrow brings life.love.hope.peace.future.change.

Remember that.

N&*$. don not forget O!*^*@.

Even though you have differences and believe in differnt things, do not lose her in the confusion of finding yourself.

Encouragement.

I encourage you to try new things and live your life differently. passionately. beautifully. Remember, please.

This is something i worked on earlier this year. i like it. it brings me peace.

11:51

breathebreathbreathe. release. fly.letfly. be open to guidance. so hard

so i went camping for the last few days. it was nice. i wish i had liked it more. to be completely honest with myself-i eflt as if i was supposed to play this role of the ridiculous, happy-go-lucky, hilarious brother. i am sad about that. i am sad that i felt judged and that i have to fill this role all the time.
i was different. i am different than last summer. iamchanged.

the thing is, i am happy with who i am right now. i do not know if that offends some people, especially my family, but seriously, i am so excited who i have become over this past year.
all year, i have felt cucooned into one mold of a person, who i am supposed to be. to want to be. it did not fit. graduating let me shed, and renew into a different person. not a differnt person i guess, but my real person:
i do not think i am that funny. i do not find humor in much, but the things i do think are funny-are hilarious.
i like quiet. i appreciate solo time. loud places bug me, if i am not in the mood.
i like to be healthy. i like to run.
i am tired of trying to please people, so i will not make them angry. let them be. learn to be happy.
i will be real, if you give me time.
i love to experience new things, even if they endanger my life. these things are for me, nobody else. just time to experience my body, my life. irresponsible freedom. irresistible.

iamme. accept me or not. love me or do not. i do not know.
please do not tell me how to live my life though.
i love you. i am happy for how much you have accomplished. not everyone will go your "smart" way. accept them too.me too.
fly.letfly. release. 12:13
peace of mind.db

revelry.

biblebiblebible. i liked that today. itwasnice.different.lovely.
running today was a struggle. but it was so good spiritually and emotionally.
i let a lot of anger fly, and forgave myself for things long gone, and i forgave others for petty crimes.
i am all packed for camping. no underwear. i love the outdoors!
will hear birds, different kinds though. still worthwhile.love you all.

sad to see you leave. hard to feel right about any of this. wish you the best;

got to hang out with j+k=old and silly fun;
so excited for all three of us. we have a lot coming our way. many differences. different colors, different voices. friendship is beautiful.

open mind.

walked out of church today...
not mad, just did not want to be there. not lost. just...gone again.

my body is here, that is the only thing that permits me from flying fast and hard. gravity rides.
i wish i could focus. my eyes are fixed on every damn horizon, while my heart knows that what i need is right in front of me.

super excited about camping. it should be fun. hopefully i can hear birds singing in the monring. pleasepleaseplease.
got to hang out with a rose today. lovely girl, she is. i have hopes for her. she is sad, but finds joy in her life. inspiring.
oh juan. so excited about our friendship. i always have a real good time with him. glad he found something in ny, glad he is back.wishhelikedittoo.

so many hopes. so many dreams. so many things in my head, need to get out.
1.it scares me how fast i can lose interest in people.
2.would you even consider me an option?
3.done thinking about school..forever. and ago.
sleepsleepsleep.Xingmyfingers!
peace.love.db

dreaming.

Early birds, rising before the sun. grounded. talked lots of good bits. hard to watch you go.

went running today. hour+.5hour=forever. was so good for my soul to escape my brain.
i felt free. i felt strong. i felt independent of insecurities
ran right by the your holy hill. looked for you even, but you were hiding.

As i was running, i was listening to One Republic's, "Come Home" and it was making me contemplate God and really ask forgiveness for how unfaithful i have been. i have been hiding for fear that i am not worthy enough, which is true, but i always forget that God takes us as we are.
even if we are broken and tired, all he wants us to do is come home. just to come, just to be, just try.

today was a lot of just trying to find words. flipping pages. shitty knitty. eating.
sleep finds me, weary-eyed, stumbling towards a lifelong friend, who i have no talked to in awhile.
thankyou.
post.script.
excitement about the north. coming quickly.

clean.

blank stare. clean tablet. steady pulse


i feel calm and relaxed and...gone


i am so gone, away from here, away from life. river runs north

i yearn for the morning, to welcome his lovely beauty. he brings crisp new beginnings


faithfulness. hard thing to remember. harder to strive for

I got massive things done today. bought all my textbooks! visited the bank, mailed my shit, called mad-hatter receptionists, saved money left and right. i also got my fair share of human interaction today.

made bread today as well. greatgreatgreat. it was a simple recipe, but i feel like God has blessed me with simple curiousity and amazement. songbird made me realize how beautiful the breadmaking process can be.

lay out what you got.

mix.

knead and weed out the inconsistencies.

waitwaitwait. live life.

shine out the ones you missed before.

wait just a little longer.

heat.eat.enjoy.

how i did not realize that so many things parallel each other, is beyond me.

tonight, a meteor shower walk up a silent hill, with lifelong friends. so close, so distant. as we all go in different ways, we all fly together. ah siblings.
long day. best day i have had in a long time. much needed solo.

needles:click clack away.
pages: flipped around a lively tale.
emotions: filled to the brim. overwhelmed.

ready to start a new chapter.

as my shoes hit the pavement, so my concrete heart fallls hard. my anger boils.
breath in and out. give me a minute to recoup, and I am back.

It's scares me how much influence i have in people. how much influence people have on me. I think i downplay that a lot. isn't it ironic how much we all strive to be known individuals, but somehow we are all connected in one way or another. i love you family. i really do.
peace.love.db

restless eyes

today was a day of thinkingthinkingthinking.contemplating.mulling.
it takes a lot to look at a situation from another's view. probaably one of the hardest things for me.

time rewind.
give me another chance.
do not let me live this way.
do not let me hurt this way.
you have no right to.
I never meant to do this.
give me another chance.
time rewind.

as hard as one tries, gravity rides, time persists. make the best of what you have.
lovelovelove.peace.db

postscript.
let me in one last time.i can do better.

Joshing

It was extremely fun to see you old friend.
everytime we get together, you make my day so much more than i expected.
you are becoming wise. brave. Godly. things I only dream.

long day. longer night.
bright night, follow a narrow path. light `em up, burn it down.

slept till mid-day.i feel gross. cleaning house is my forte.

i have learned already today.
You have to give yourself time to heal.
you cannot expect yourself to stay afloat after a hit like that...

lost love.

I can feel myself letting go of your hand.
ihadnoideawhatotsaytoyou.
i do not want to let go of you, do not let me.
youareright.abouteverything.

heartbreaker. headknocker.

today was a full day. I was not expecting it.
woke up at 7:23 and slept an extra ten minutes.
smoked a clove, almost barfed in the heat.
slept for three hours today, cat nap.ha.
shared excitement with an old, new found friend.
made plans for tomorrow and tuesday.

readbetweenthelines.

honesty, she is always key.experience=her and wisdom.
have not been this honest with myself in a longlonglong time.
I sewed an open wound shut, even though it hurt a little.
God is faithful. i need to follow suit.
p.l.db

doesn't cost a thing to smile.

got some new music tonight. inida arie, amazing. scwbfsakjbciasjhdq!
left today from a place of new beginnings and old friends.came back. home...reality.

i ran through the creek trail today and as I was rounding a bend, I realized that I was not being honest with myself and God.brokedowntoday. It was like, I was being brave in front of people to make sure that if they believed me, i could believe myself. it worked for quite a while.
Iamsoscared. is this the right thing? the right way? should i have ran the other direction, north? should i have ignored him? why exactly am i going?
as I was crying, I started to pray.
reguvination. peace. silentcalm. direction.
as I was doing this, I started to pass by so many diverse families, who were just enjoying life and for some reason tonight, attracted me. they were all so so so beautiful. everything about them made me smile from their skin to their differnt languages. It was as if God just opened up my eyes to these people, who yesterday I never would have even given a second glance to.
God blessed me with something so amazing tonight.
thankfulness for where i am. to be. to live. thriving. thank you thank you thankyou.

i miss flying free with you songbird. trying to do here. love you.

sleep comes soon.peace.love.

all over the place, in my mind, running here and there. aghh.
had a good. hard. trying. emotional. sweet week.
need to get away and believe. believe. believe.
peace out.

finishing up.

yesterday was.
me and free bird were all over. body and soul. smoking house, ready to fall.
although my body was wasting away by the minute, my mind was still up and running as far as it could.
i loooked up into the stars before I my head hit pillow...God has the most beautiful paintings. the stars were above cloudy sky, while I was below the clouds. illuminated by the moon.
peace.love.

apology accepted.

hmmm.
running.breathing.loving.careful not to spill.

did not have time again. rewind time for this one.

could not see out of this mess. you helped me again in times of need.

lastnightwasnice.fun.breathable.
excited...! Cannot wait to fly

Distracted.

All day, I was distracted by skcjsabdfp. so hard. dammit, why am i doing this? Why am i just letting myself go around you? You are too though...hmmm...do not understand this! Where is God?

Although today, i was gone in fantasy land, I was bravea couple of times. Bravery comes so unexpectedly. bah. It is like God gives me this strength to just not be me and not hide behind my kinsecurities and be the man He intended. so fearful of that. unnatural, but empowers me like nothing else. beauty. from ashes comes true fire.

It is funny how I am so quick to judge and retaliate when I do the same exact things that I am mad about.Is that not true for a lot of people though....I mean, I make so many decisions all the time and I will be fine with them. BUT. if someone else makes the same judgment, then it is unforgivable. should work on that. be okay with that.
long day.earlymonring.peace.love.
thank you for the body you have given me.thank you for the amazing feats i can do with it.

Overwhelming.

People are so overwhelming sometimes. in general. It's not that I am back in the place I love and cherish, but the people have changed and I am not used to it. I will have to. love them so much, just not comfortable yet.
should I become comfortable thoguhg? hmmm.

Seeing free bird is so good. missed her. love her. really sad that she will not be in Portland. bah.

this post is for last night. Did not have time to write one last night before curfew.
It was so nice to sit with esd last night and be. svjsVUbvkjnsavuKBVKJNEV.
thank you for patience and love.

Restart.

hmm.
the first day of August. Before this year, it has never really had any significance to me except for the first of August.
This day is different, for the first time. I am excited about this renewal of a month. amazing. Another chance to start again this month.

i cannot believe I am leaving. bah.
excitement. confusion. fear. hardwork. thankfulness.

I got the chance to hang out with an old friend today. he is kind-hearted, but is hurting. he really is a great guy. ha.

pumpernickel smells amazing.