into the dark.

so many thoughts. ugh. lovely thoughts.
hard feelings. good vibes.

walk walk. in step. heart and head. keep the pace, hurry up now, never lose it.do not lose this.
eyes beaming. heart overwhelmed, brimming over.
fingers and toes, frigid. head and heart warming, comforting.

i can see through the fog, looking out across the vast sea now.
what have i stumbled upon?
from where do i begin? how to explain?
the water, churning and splashing playfully.
my calves saturated through to the bone.

i look towards the horizon,
trying to memorize the vibrant colors.
the dark of night blending into the colorful sun's grasp.
i try to memorize what this juxtaposition feels like.
i am not blessed with this, everyday, never-day.
God, this is beautifully captivating.

the sun creeps away,
our day has yet again come to an end.
so much to process. contemplate.
i am already forgetting what the day looked like.
come back to me. "come back!" i cry.
my eyes dart back and forth between the present and past.

as i look towards the horizon for recognizable familiarities,
all i receive is wishful thinking.
things i once knew myself, but have forgotten.
"give me back!" i yell.

i scream for what i feel,
for what i cannot see,
for the unknown.
.fear sets in.

the tide begins to rise,
all i seem to know is that i should walk. move. keep going.
you lead. i follow.
the waves crash harder against my thighs.
i no longer know if my feet are moving,
or if i am floating towards the foreshadowed hue of nothingness.

my chest heaves. tears stain. my mouth gurgles sea water.
i fear, for the depth can be so daunting.
how long can my gills breathe?
how much pressure can i take?
as my eyes search, straining for something to hold onto,
my feet catch, everything swoons.

although the crystal clear surface of the water is gone,
although my vision blurs,
my heart jumps for joy. my head knows better.
has my brokenness not taught me more?

the sea spins me.
the waves surround.
the current flows, inconsistent to my needs, regardless of what i want.
you lead. i follow.
i swoon to the rhythm of this beautiful dance. my heart brims.
although i cannot see into the abyss,
even fathom its vastness,
i know that this is hard.good.beautiful.right.complex.glorious.

as my sea legs begin to find motion,
i find i love the water. i love the way it makes me feel.
confident. seaworthy. loved. present. i am supposed to be here. i feel.
i feel, and once again i know that i am human.
i know that i can find beauty once more, in another form.

can i get used to this?
how long can i play this game? how many innings am i worthy of?

God.
what.the.fuck.
you know me. i hate how good you are to me.
i hate that you have given me this end. i hate that once again i am me.
i love that once again, i can rest in your arms.
once again, i am not strong enough. i need your rest.
i find a home.
iamhome.

sleep invades.
these exhausted eyelids have not seen rest in quite a moon.