tamah

little boy, where have you gone?
why has innocence let you wander?
come back to me.
trying to remember where i let go of your hand.

As i walk from person to place to person,
I question and I wonder if they have seen him...
"what is his name? Well, i guess it is...tamah."
and so it begins. everything settling, takes flight.

it has been years that i have been searching for him.
i cannot remember the feel of his hand in mine.
the tug on my shirt.the simple embodiment of love.
i try and cannot seem to place his face amongst the years past...

he does not fit.
he does not belong. he has no home there, here.
still i search for him...
tamah has left with a part of me. i must search for me.

i window watch and try to remember his soft blonde curls.
i try to remember his favorite smells, his names, his belonging.
an image finally comes of him, my eyes glaze over.
time stops.transcends.begins.
while everything around me stops, my mind takes flight.

i wait for words to come to retrieve this image.
...
nothing comes. sentence structure has fled. definite will no longer be my companion.
only words. only small pitiful adjectives can describe what i see.
.beautifulhumblingrightbelovedoddpeacefullychaotic.
it's tamah...it always has been.

i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to jump with joy.
he is here. he has found his hand in mine. he is home.
tamah starts to giggle, for all i can do is smile and dance.
oh to giggle with him brings my heart such joy!
it gives me the strength to rise. to live. to love again.

i pick him up in my arms. he grabs hold of mine.
push and pull. take and give.
he whispers beautiful nothingness into ears, informing me that he loves me.
...how.love.can.be. after so long.
ears strain, arms loosen, eyes catch flame.
i take a leap, and catch his eyes.

i have known this look before. it was once my own.
oh tamah.
his eyes have seen a lot. eyes that nobody wants to look through.
oh tamah.
pain.hurting.happiness.joy.confusion.knowing.growing.innocence.love.
he is strong. much more than me, somehow.
all my years for nothing compared to tamah.

we play for hours, we sit and watch the clouds, we be.
then my name is called...
what once was clear as water, and fluid,
becomes distorted and muddied.
as i look away towards the name caller,
tamah blurs and everything moves.
time begins again..?

i look around me, eveything settles into their perfect place.
i am once again, somehow, in the windowed cafe.
i sit and breathe. breathe breathe.
time has played me yet again.
where did i journey? how long was i gone?
i realize that 3 minutes has passed...only 3.

my quest for tamah, was quenched for..3 minutes, deceitfully.
as i pick up my drink, the barista and i exchange glances, and i leap.
"have you seen tamah? i misplaced him earlier..."
yet again, a no. like always...my heart breaks.
she excalims, "you will find him around here, somewhere. keep searching."

as i leave with, time is still clicking away, mercilessly.
i am opening the door, and as i give one last wistful look for tamah,
i catch a glimpse of him on the window, staring right at me.
he looks different though, but i am sure it is him.
the eyes. the demeanor. the look.
as hope rises in me and my heart takes beat again, i turn around.

he is not there...
i was sure he was there, right where i was standing.
"tamah?"
where have you gone?
how long can i go without you?
come back. please. i need me.
9 years, 5 months, and 27 days, has been long enough.

"tamah?
come back when you can, okay?"