woke up.

"scale of 1-12?I feel all."
a good friend asked me that this week. All i could say was that i feel all. my true feelings transcend every feeling, but at the same time i feel every feeling ever made:
anger.joy.hopeful.despair.timidity.passion.love.forgiveness.understanding.total and utter confusion.
everything makes sense, but at the same time, nothing does.
my whole life leading up to this feeling, everything makes sense.
i screwed up. i fucked myself over, but at the same time this is exactly where i need to be, what i need to sift through.

it's like you think you understand what God is trying to say.
then he takes you by the face, looks in your eyes, and gives you a big,
"fuck you and whatever you think. you know nothing of me and my plans for you. you sit there, and think about what any of this means. you come back when you are ready, i will be waiting. i always will be and always was, trick."

iamterrified.iamhappy.
empowerment.discouragement.
loved.noselfworth.
free.enslaved.
everything. all of this. all at once.

trying to forgive. be forgiven. to love.be loved.
all i can do is be.
there is truth in that.
tomorrow, knowing, and be=what i am clinging to.for.from.

waking up.