rainy day.

This day has been an interesting one.

Chapel today, was inspirational...a little bit.
I was blown away by the way the speaker illustrated our relationship with God.
he used unlikely, but such fitting, words to describe what our relationship with God should become, should have become before the Fall of humanity.

So many times this week, these past three weeks, have I heard this talk about Adam and Eve and their ultimate sin...many htoughts have been presented. Many times, the idea is presented that our relationship with God would have come so naturally, like the decompostition of the Earth, like the creation of the world on paper, when you remember your first love: how easy it was to be around them, how easy it was to give your heart to them...
This is exactly what, who God is though....this is what i have read and been told:

love.

This is a hard concept for me to understand because I am nowhere close to God at all. in no way can i call myself altruistic as Jesus has been called. There is no way for me to come close with what Adam and Eve had. i am a sad excuse of the shell of a Christ follower.
The speaker today said that they[adam+eve] were naked, but not ashamed at all in front of God and each other. This is difficult to undersatand becasue the way naked is used in our culture signifies no clothing. naked bodies. private parts. blushing faces. This is not what God had intended for us, his creation...I was created, i was supposed to be created without shame, lack of insecurity, stable. God made us in his own image.
we were created to be vulnerable with each other, created to love each other, created for relation with each other.
what will this truly look like? were we supposed to love everyone? what would it look like if humanity had not picked the short stick? would there still be a Jesus?

How do i? i mean...i am not sure if i can be relational with everyone. it's literally impossible. how can i go, everyday, sin judgement?

a friend asked me today something today:
David, what are you looking for?

i said, "God."

I was walking somewhere today. alone.contemplation.
I wondered waht it would be like to ignore these feelings of deep wounds. this feeling of lonliness, hard thoughts. hard to face myself. i contemplated this idea of running away from these feelings, supressing them, and just forget about them for awhile. how good that would feel.
I was savoring the idea, licking my lips for the taste of good feelings, swooning to this utopia...then it hit me.
I was given these feelings for a reason. if God is relational, and God gave us this human condition of seeking people intimately, i would be running away. i would be brushing past my emotions and my feelings, and acting as if these feelings were irrelevant to being. to be. irrelevent to God's relationship with me.
i would be running out on God. i would be fulfilling what i have been trying to stop, my lack of faith.
i am not running this time.
things shall pass with time...

it rained today. with rain comes renewal. hellorestart.