13 and 17

"I see through the haze once again, for only a little bit. I am sitting here. I am so changed. God is making me into something brand new. He is building me up again...
The womb is terrifyingly new and makes me clausterphobic, but at the same time, somehow feel safe. Te walls are paper thin, but somehow hold me up. i see outside and I so want to be outside with the familiar and new, but I just need to wait and i do not want to be premature or die in labor.
waiting for labor.
waiting=pregnant.
God is my mother. God is my mother, and I am this fetus. I am just waiting to b born.
Pregnancy is so hard. It is really trying on the soul and on the ones that love me. it is qite hard for me to be there for people because i am not done processing and being nurtured.
Can I not nurture others though?
What is holding me back?
How do I nurture?
I am in God, while God is caressing his hand across the strtched taut skin, containing the fragile contents of my heart, soul, body. Speaking nuturing words through others."

"Lately...over the past week or so....I have been having these vivid dreams with _______ in them. ______ is always wearing soemthing flashy to dance in, and is always in the way of which I wish to proceed.
These interactions usually happen in the cafeteria. For some reason, I always have this accumulation of dishes and it is always a struggle to walk through the cafeteria to get to the dishroom. Always fumbling almost dropping my plates, bowls, cups. never breaking anyhting, buts close to almost everytime. i am always worried what others will think, hoping not to be found out. to know what happened with _______.
I got the feeling that _______ wanted to talk with me the whole time, but not having the courage to allow themselves. (wishful thinking).
This idea that I will spill the contents of my soul agin onto the floor, jut to get trampled on, again is always the motif.
I have been dreaming."