Many parts, one body.

When is it that we stop caring about each other?
Where in a relationship does fracture occur?
Why is so easy to let anger steep, but so hard to let off?
When does something become so daunting that we retreat in fear to the familiar?

Does not God tell us to be courageous in our fear for he is our strength...I want courage. Oh God, do I want courage. My heart screams for courage for others. I yearn for this celestial courage. courage. courage. courage.
to love.

Questions. I need answers. that is all that I have been desiring lately.
I just want questions answered. They infest my mind like roaches.
My mind is fogged to the point of no return.
It is to the point where I can think of nothing else; just foggy roaches.

I pray for rest. and contentment. and perseverance.

inspiration

Eyes scanning the room, looking for an escape route.
This is too much.
i thought i could swim faster harder longer than this. I look down and notice the floatation device between my legs. just goes to show you how disconnected i am to it all.
The room plays close to the record, almost never skips a beat. and here we are being secretive and lovely.
i feel sick to my stomach.

i pray for something that will come and save me. I pray for another savior. I pray for my demise, and your grandeur.
[I do not think i can be nice anymore.
I cannot stand by and take each blow with decency.
I am not that kid, never been.
You can take the kid out of the fight, but the fight's still here baby.]

dreams.

So many dreams last night. All of them, almost all of them, took place in Newberg Oregon.
Which is so different because I usually do not dream about new places until they feel like home.
home...
I am in Newberg Oregon and i am home. I do not know yet if the magic of it has faded or what, but while I was home this summer I found this overwhelming amazement and joy about where I had lived for the past 18 years of my life. Milpitas California is beautiful, nestled violently and obliviously in the crook of the calaveras hills' bust.

So I am in Newberg finally.
It is weird though, just becasue I am not used to how everthing just falls right back into place. It is strange strange strange how it is so easy for everything to fall back into place. I am not sure how i feel about that all yet.
My days have been fun nonetheless though! I have really enjoyed seeing old faces.
Things are different, things are the same.

hmmm...what am i thinking?
I am so excited about school, but i will miss home much more than I had ever expected.
i will miss this town terribly.

What has been happening lately...
I worked my last day of work on saturday, I will miss them until I go back during the holidays.
i am gaining weight, which says something about my lifestyle...I am finally calming down and not frantic about.
Today I got to sit and listen to an old friend of mine talk, whom I will always cherish.
Lately i have been really happy. not just something fleeting, but truly happy.
Today I laughed the hardest I have all summer, the kind where your back hurts and you cannot steer correctly anymore from the tears streaming down your face.
Saturday i leave for George Fox University. i have a big knot in my stomach.
Most of all, I will miss my family horribly. They have sort of become my best friends over the season. My love to you boy who sleeps feet away from me.

Check this guy out, the name of his band's name is Passenger. pretty British. British=amazing.

A lazy boy

it is the end of July and I am horribly sick like i have been standing outside in the rain for the past twelve hours...baha! I went and "volunteered" up at a summer camp for two straight days; in reality I just sat and lounged around the pool for two days working on my tan and fattening up on great camp food. I am pretty sure that I got this sickness from/for two reasons:
1.i have been running non-stop this summer. I have been busy ever since and before I got this job at the theatres. it has been fun, but not a lot of rest and sleep has come due to it...so when I went up to camp, I am pretty sure that a sickness was just waiting to sneak up on me. I have heard that somtimes when you are super busy for a long time, and then slow down, your immune system slows down a bit and lets down it's defenses. No idea how scientific that is, no qoutes please.
2. I was living with eight other guys during this stay and one of them was quite ill, while two other boys were either getting over sickness or surrendering to it's grip.
Other than this sickness, i am doing very well.

I have realized something.
I am very weary of saying that I am good, when I actually am doing very well. I always feel as if, whenver I am good, the slightest movement will trigger a landslide of pin drops that will be my defeat. I feel that most times I am not allowed to feel alright becasue others elsewhere are having bad ones. I thikn that if I admit I am having really good days, God will just take them away.
I have things to definately be thankful for, but I think I have forgotten how to be joyful for them. Is it a sin to be scared of a reality that I am not used to?

thankyou.

sun encapturing hill

Against these hills, I feel so small.

I feel so damn small next to these brilliantly beautiful hills.

and I like that.

catdog

It is a beautifully overcast morning.
it is so bittersweet to sit here and know that I cannot soak it up all day...it will leave soon, and my day must begin. alas, it is still the most curiously entrapping thing I have experienced in a while.

I have this dog named princess, and I find her the most annoying thing ever. She can not decide if she likes me or not. She never seems to recognize me because she is probably slightly senile. She snarls all the time and barks non-stop for no apparent reason except to be my downfall. She does not listen to me either. Then at night when she wants to sleep, she curls up underneath my desk and just rests peacefully. She is crazy, but adorable at the same time. a kind of endearing craziness.
Galen always gives me a hard time about treating her well because she is scared of me.

As I was brooding on my bed one night about how annoying she was, I let myself reign in on my feelings and get to the root of what really annoyed me. I thought about it for a little while and let my mind wander...
I realized that I was looking at a mirror image of my soul's spiritual journey, as I gazed into this little rodent's beady black eyes; she was fearfully curled up underneath my desk staring at my every move. Everyday my attention-starved soul screams and yells for love and craves some deep connection with anything at arm's length. I never listen to the Holy Spirit's calling, and my faith is forever doubtful of what God holds dearly in my future. Always though, when I sense damage from others or fear the unknown, I crawl up into our Father's hands: I hide in a familiar known.

I was dumbstruck by the likeness of my brain to this mutt...i offended myself, i honestly had. I was awestruck.
I guess I should try and change huh? Do they have human pounds in heaven? like catdog pounds, but for humans?

i could not help it!

summer thus far

I am loving summer with all my might.
Ifellcontent today!

For the past two weeks, I have been working at the theatres, and tomorrow I start my new job at Tilly's (clothing store). I am a little apprehensive about two jobs, but I think I can do it. I have been loving working at the movie theatres, which is the exact opposite of me usually, but i really enjoy it. I like the people I work with, I enjoy the crazy customers, I like how fast it all can be sometimes...how concentrated I can get...making lists in my head of what needs to get done...and what not. I love it!

Hmmm, ysterday I went into the ocean..only waded, but still this is the first time in three years. she was mighty and feirce. The wind was coming quick as well, but we did get a fire going which was nice and toasty. I enjoyed my time with the people I went with also...they made my day off good.
I do not know if i am going to the beach again this summer...or at least into her waters.

I finished harry potter again, and started EAT PRAY LOVE...which is so nice. It is all about this woman's journey towards peace and life. It is a lot like million little pieces, except that this woman has more of a head on her shoulders and weaves her wisdom and knowledge throughout her free flow. it is amazing actually. I have wanted to underline almost every other word. ha!

Lets see....I am going to see wicked in August with my brother Galen, and we are both super excited about that!
I am leaving both jobs on August 18th, the same day as my next dentist appointment.
Then I am pretty sure i leave the bay for the north again for the winter on the 21st of August. I am leaving early becasue i want to start looking for a job that I can work for the year, earlier than the first week of school. See i have planned it out because if i start then...i will be in the throws of my online biochemistry course's final...and the first week of school! So I decided to go a week early for school and stay with an assortment of people I have yet to call. BUT, I know for sure that i will be making money that week because I am working my work study job from last year this upcoming year as well. I guess for my next job, I am shooting for something I can work on the weekends and maybe weekday evenings...no idea, but something that will also give me time to study. I know I am picky, but sometimes we can be, right?

whoever reads this, let me know how you are!

known unknown

God I ask for your healing touch.
I pray for the ones that do not want love.
Lord I ask that you give me words...strength...to love them within the borders safe.

Today,
I miss spending time with him.

searching.

I missed a lot of things today.
the sunrise.
camp.
my mate.
my friend.
being in love.
enjoying a day full of nothing.
the weather up north.
the north.

I realized a lot of things today too.
i am stronger than i think.
when you take out your heart of the equation, things seem to make a lot more sense.
when you take out your heart, sometimes life can be lonely.
God is righteous, eternal, divine.
I am where i am supposed to be, even if it feels foreign.

alas! today was a foggy day.
the search must continue though.

new things

So I am working now! I work at the local movie theatres as of monday! It is a pretty easy job actually, it reminds me a lot of camp hammer. The only differences are the people that I work with and the nature of the food that is being reheated...baha! I worked with this kid from fremont last night, and he helped me clean one of the poppers. those things get gross real quick!
I think i might have the oppurtunity to be a light for these kids I am working with...they are funny nonetheless though. Last night I was overtly educated how to roll a fattie properly! good things to know, who knows when I will be in a dire situation to have to know that?

The only scary thing about this job is how much i be working! I am kind of niave when it comes to working 8 hours per shift becuase i was super lucky and blessed by the jobs that i have worked before this. Starbucks scedule was so flexible, it's not even funny. My internship was only 10 hours a week, and they were flexible as well. I loved Camp Hammer because i just got to hang out with friends all day. I guess my body just needs to get used to the thrashing of standing for eight or more hours a day, and my mind needs to start procrastinating school work! I am enslaved until otherwise noted.

Being home this summer, I have a checklist of things to do:
1. Get an A in Biochem.
2.Understand meaning of family, in regards to them and then secondly what it means to me.
3.Read Romans; glean from it.
4. Work my ass off.
5.Work my ass out.
6. Hang out with my dad more. Do things for him. lovehim.

hope.

i have been reading through Romans all summer.
it has been mind-bending thinking through each passage.
i have come to the conclusion that right now...right here...is where God wants me.
I am learning and applying so much.

Romans 15
^1-2 Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, "How can I help?"
^3-6That's exactly what Jesus did. He didn't make it easy for himself by avoiding people's troubles, but waded right in and helped out. "I took on the troubles of the troubled," is the way Scripture puts it. Even if it was written in Scripture long ago, you can be sure it's written for us. God wants the combination of his steady, constant calling and warm, personal counsel in Scripture to come to characterize us, keeping us alert for whatever he will do next. May our dependably steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all. Then we'll be a choir—not our voices only, but our very lives singing in harmony in a stunning anthem to the God and Father of our Master Jesus!

The ones who sleep alone.

For the past two fridays, me and my friend jonathan have been feeding the homeless in downtown san jose.
i am..i have no words for how i feel about it. it is this weird knowing that I need to be down there friday nights rather than at the movies or doing something that costs money. I have money that I could be spending and wasting, but I am able to put that money towards other people.
people that sleep alone.
i can not imagine what it must be like, i pulse red just thinking about accepting food from total strangers because I cannnot support myself. Even asking if they are hungry is hard for me.
and yet...my heart beats for these fridays. it is not a question of whether I am going to do it, it is with whom and where.
I am blessed to be able to meet these people who sleep alone.
Last night we met this woman named Trish. she was a buddhist, and her way of looking at life was beautiful. She slept alone that night.
We also encountered a man who worked on the other side of town. He biked all the way downtown just to sleep...he preferred this park more than somewhere else. He slep alone last night.
Our presence was noticed by a homeless commune. We asked if they neeed food, they answered yes. One guy was a crack-up, he was hilarious! they all sleep alone.
Until otherwise noted, expect me down there every friday.

Romans 13:8 (The Message)
^8-10Don't run up debts, except for the huge debt of love you owe each other. When you love others, you complete what the law has been after all along. The law code—don't sleep with another person's spouse, don't take someone's life, don't take what isn't yours, don't always be wanting what you don't have, and any other "don't" you can think of—finally adds up to this: Love other people as well as you do yourself. You can't go wrong when you love others. When you add up everything in the law code, the sum total is love.

This is what I have been given to read this morning.
I love this.
[thankyou]

Nostalgic Winds.

it was quite the windy day today!
does this mean things are coming my way...new things? familiar faces?
my dad comes home in two more days, i am restless.

i just skimmed through three of my journals, that i have kept since freshman year...woah. i was quite the sass!
People...how did you deal with me?
...how do you deal with me now..?
well that was embarrassing.

I think if anything today held many forgotten feelings and memories of old wonderful worlds that i used to call home. Nostalgia, it's real people!

steady yourself.

I am silent now a days.

I try to make myself think and talk, but nothing really ever comes except brain-farts and never ending babble rambles of yesteryear.

My passion has receded to the caves of my being, and feelings have recoiled since the days of winter.

i feel lost most days without such structure as newberg had, but everyday is a learning experience. it's funny to me how much one can forget about a place or a thing not used in a few blue moons. I feel as if this old world is new and...almost terrifying to experience now. It does not have the same old rounded knobs, the same flickering lights, the familiar smiling faces; but instead includes a plethora of new, clean edges, bright blinding lights, and plastic unused people. To be in this new, but old environment is something i have not experienced before...it's almost as if i had moved off the continent for a year.

i guess it just takes some getting used to, you know? which is weird and totally unexpected, but needed nonetheless.

i guess this time of patience and waiting has just been hard. I am not used to it. i am used to getting what i want...

welcome to the real world i guess? baha!

oh how i miss high school.

bon iver.

Today was the Northwest.
I loved every minute.
the rain. the overcast. the feeling of contentment.
everything was held together by today. it is like the clouds hold the world from shattering, you know?
Rain washes things new, and i think that is why God made rain...well at least one of the many beneficial life-giving reasons for its presence.

Todaywashuge.
not only did it hold potnetial, but did I feel it's power at work.
people speaking words right and left, and God's grace thrust upon me.
so much love. so much grace. so much forgiveness.
If I was not encaptured by God's choice to love, where would i be?
If i could not accept it, how would i love?
if I could not recognize Him, what would i see?
i am so thankful for today and what it brought and what it is still bringing.

i broke my first guitar string today...bah.

i got my first oil change today...!

i truly forgave someone today.

i love you.

adventure.

Today she talked about adventure.
it brought a lot of feelings about him, Him, her, me.
it scared me. I feared again for my heart.

Sometimes the choices that we make...bring about adventure.
Adventure that can help us grow or that can meddle in what we have created and destroy.
Growth can be terrifying or can invent something beautiful. destruction can give you a clean slate or just send you back peddling for years.
The adventure I chose was not what i had expected at all.
It was utterly mesmorizing. it had me wrapped. It caught me by the hand and threw me for a spin.
once it let got though, I had nothing to clutch, and i fell. i fell something awfully beautiful.

From the adventure, i broke, i tethered....and i came back.
See, if you do not come back, the adventure and all that you went through is worthless. this is not what God has intended at all for us.
He gives us these adventures to learn from, whether they are delightful or difficult lessons to be learned.

This is what i am learning continuously. everyday. non-stop.
I think the hardest part, the question i keep with me, hidden deep inside: how could something that made me feel real, made me want to live, I felt important, i felt needed, everything was important and beautiful, how could something that made sense, made things right, be so convuluted and broken? Where was God? Why is that when i felt so close and intimate with God, did everything dissolve?
I have found no answer of the sort.

and so i wait for an answer. i wait for tomorrow. i wait for adventure.

Packing

As I sit here planning to pack and how to fit my whole life onto a bus tomorrow morning, I guess I am going to miss a few I have come to know.
My friend Lauren, who is light hearted, but has experienced deep pain.
My friend Allison who is strong willed and level headed.
My neighbor Culley, he might be the craziest man I have ever met.
My bosses, who were the only normal people here pretty much other than the former three.

I will miss the early morning sunrises and late night stars. I will be glad to go home to more stable weather though. I will be glad to slide into my family’s arms of grace and love. I am excited to start afresh.
Thanks for caring about my journey. It is still ongoing.

I have been reading a lot of Romans lately.
This grace is a gift. This righteousness is a responsibility. This life is a treasure that needs to be given life and not death. Nourish your life today…in whatever form that is constructive and uplifting.
Love.peace.

Renewed.

miss this a little.

As I was reading my bible today during my avant-garde "bowl of wheaties" breakfast, I was shocked.
I was reading from the book of Romans, and as I was reading I realized that I have taken this whole Christian lifestyle thing...for granted.
I never realized until now that I have been, and that the things that we have been given are tools and not just by happen-stance.
I was reading the part about how while we were sinners, we were obedient to that, but now that we have grace through the death of Jesus Christ, we are righteous and are obedient to this now.
See, the part that shocked me was that it did not say...you should, you will, you can...it says youare. Instead of being a delightful message, it is full of passion and weight...saying that we are obedient now. Not a question, but a command.
We get to be apart of this kingdom, without doing anything, and given all of this responsibility by the get-go.
chew on that for the day. Romans 6, I believe.
some crazy shit is brewing.
love.peace.

Resignation.

I am quitting my first official summer job.
I know…I am humiliated. I lasted one week before running home. I am slightly embarrassed to be blogging this, but I promised myself that I would keep up with this thing with new information.
I am quitting, not so much because of the living conditions, but because of my family. I have never before missed them so much as I do now. I never realized that I needed them either…as much as I have realized now.
I have been thinking about this for a while these 10 days of May. I know…not a long time, but for me to mull over something like this is unusual. I do not think about a lot for such a long time. Here I go:
For the past year, I have been on this journey of independence and self-creation. I have answered to nobody except myself, and I have loved every minute of it. I have been able to try new things and be away from the familiar. I was running from what has been semi-cradling me for the past 18 years of my life: my family, my niche; home. I have been trying to wring myself free of them pesky little rascals ever since I realized they were embarrassing..so for 18 years. I could not wait to be out on my own without having to call my parents and tell them where I was going. I was so stoked to not have to fight with my siblings for “their spot” on the couch.
Then…somewhere along the road, it got lonely. Waking up Saturday mornings were not the same at all. The fresh pot of coffee that Galen made was not there ten steps from my bed. Anna’s television shows did not blare any longer. My dad’s nagging was not there to wake me up to do chores. As I kept on walking on this journey of new explorations, I experienced a lot of pain, a ton of joy, but nothing was ever quite right. Something was missing, maybe I was missing out on something. Although I knew that things were different, I kept on looking for more. I knew that my heart was always just about to find what it was looking for, but this year at school it never did. Do not get me wrong, I have loved this year…it has been he most fun than I have ever had away from home.
As I was thinking about summer jobs, I was thinking about coming home, but to the explorer that did not sound like any fun. I needed to experience it all! So I applied to Yosemite National Park, throwing myself into this veil of disregard of what I needed…I only cared about what I wanted.
So I got out of school on the 30th of April, and met my dad and sister and aunt and uncle in the lobby of my dorm. I was so excited to see them…I have not seen Anna or my dad in more than 3 months, and my aunt and uncle for more than 9 months. It was so much fun the next night spending time with all of them at my cousin’s house in Lebanon Oregon. And then it was on to Yosemite from there, my older sister and younger brother met us in Sacramento that night, and we took them on in with us into the park to set me off again for another 3 and a half months…alone again.
As I saw their faces as they all hugged me…it was a memory I do not think I will ever forget. I was terrified of what was to come. I could even see it in their faces: the uncertainty, the fear for me. Once they left, and my heart had been ripped open, I knew I made the wrong choice. I have not experienced that kind of hurt in a while, and did not expect to feel it here, to have it find me.
As I was cleaning a tent the other morning, I realized that my huge fear is that I will not get to see my family grow. I will not be apart of that growth if I am away. I think it would be easier if I was an only child, but I am not; I have 6 siblings. We are pretty much all adults and I do not want to miss out on our lives…you know? I do not want to be that brother who nobody knows because he has been gone too long. I do not want to miss out on the small things…like graduations and engagements. I want to be there, not somewhere where I am not known and nobody cares to know…I do not want to be here.
And this is why I am coming home. Not because I could not last here for 3 and a half months, but because I would be out here without my family.
The End.

Post script. It has been raining ever since yesterday around 10:30 AM, and today around 3:30 PM it started to snow. It has been snowing on and off for around 5 hours…thank you global warming. You are quite kind to us. I wish you all a very merry Christmas May!
Remember that God is good whatever you do, wherever you are, whenever. He is good.

A long last night

It was in fact a long might last night. Not because I was out or anything, just a lot of emotions surging through myself. I was in the community center here, where there is wifi, which is amazing, but it takes so damn long to get onto the browser and then sometimes it does not even work. So I was a little pissy about that…and other important things.
Everything is alright though…today is a different day. Today has to be a different day.

I woke up this morning and was so tired. My head was still asleep as well as my body, and I did not want to pray or wake up, all I wanted to do was sleep, but my better half prevailed! I got up and ate breakfast. While I eat breakfast, I try to read the bible. I want to take this summer just to get back into the word and try and figure out a solid groundwork for my faith.
I am reading through Romans this summer. It has been quite the journey! Today I read about Abraham being our father of faith, and he is the example we want to follow. It also talked about when Abraham had faith even in his and Sarah’s old age, about having a babay that would guide the nations forever more. That even though Abraham’s body was “dead,” his faith was not. His faith was passionate, alive, working. That although he could not see into the future…God had a plan for him. An amazing plan…an extraordinary plan…this blows my mind.
I am here. I am scared. I am weak. And I still am here.
God can take me anytime he wants to, yet I am still here. I have no idea why, but he has something to teach me.
As I was reading this passage…all I could think about was a friend I made in Oregon. He is one of a kind….red I like to call him. We were talking one day both deeply and passionately about the wounds that we have received over the years, and I was amazed that we were both still here choosing to pursue a relationship with God. We were and are nonetheless. And so as I was reading this passage, the word WOUND came to mind like a brick wall. We are all broken, and we are all searching…we have wounds. Some are physical ailments, some are mental ailments, most are emotional. We have these wounds, and still God chooses to use us in the most peculiar ways. We have to have faith like Abraham…we have to choose faith like Abraham to heal these wounds, and in the process let amazing things happen.
That is all I have.

New Beginning

Today was jam-packed!
I got up at around 7:30, ate breakfast, read my bible, and then went to work.
Work was at first frustrating…really frustrating, but it got better once I decided to not be dumb. They had me train underneath this one guy, who is a really nice guy but her is terrible at teaching people. Again, really great guy…just not the best at letting people learn. He had the weirdest habit too…he would say, “fricken A,” or, “seriously,” after almost every sentence. It was not a normal use of the words, but in the most ridiculous parts of the sentence. It was like everything bugged him or everything was a serious matter.

So I worked for the longest time, I have ever had to before in my life…seven hours! I think it is a little embarrassing to tell people that I have never worked an 8-hour job before, but yes it is true.
So I guess that where I work people do not get the normal two days off because there have not been enough people coming in, but I think someone said something about 5 more people coming in and then we get two days off back. Which I am hoping for!
All that I do is clean up after people, which is totally fine with me. I mean it is a little disgusting to touch people’s sheets, but I could care less…you know? One thing I am a little worried about is whether or not I could get a skin rash…you know? Bleh:(

After work, I went running for the first time ever in Yosemite! It was terrible actually, ha! I never realized how high up I am in the mountains; it was like I was breathing half of what I normally do! I think it might be better after about a month of it or so, but jeez does elevation make a difference! It was a little like trail running, but interweaved onto concrete paths, and I officially know where the stables are now…let me tell you, you would not find them without stumbling upon them in the middle of nowhere! So then I just ran to the village store for a few items, and I took the bus home. I am starting to understand the bus system, which is an absolute must for me, at least while I am here…my only means of transportation.

I talked with the girl from queens again…her name slipped my mind, all I know is her voice and appearance. We talked a lot about where she grew up, and what New York is like. We then, talked about September 11, and that was so awesome just getting to hear her side of the story. She knew a few whose parents had died, and she told me an insider glimpse into the day. I wish Galen had been there to listen in and just be fascinated by it all. She told me this one really interesting fact that nobody I have ever talked to told me…I guess all the trains that run through the city shut down, and so people had to walk home that day. So pretty much everyone walked like 3 or 4 hours back home for the day once it happened…the whole Brooklyn bridge was full of shell shocked people just walking home in a trance…from what she told me. It was so interesting.
This has led me here.
Goodnight all. I have survived my fourth day

Here we are.

i have come to exist to a few here.
I met some new people today through training and such.
I met a girl that rode an amtrak all the way here for three days with nothing to listen to save her silence. she is originally from queens New York.
I met a guy today who drove the whole I-80 from vermont. He has been here for two weeks now.
I was graced with a girl that seemed quircky like me, she is strong-willed and is figuring out what she wants from life. she was my favorite today.

Meeting all of these people...is hard. frustrating. a breath of fresh air.
My heart wants to be back in Oregon two months ago. My heart wants my family back. My heart wants something familiar.
I know that this is not why I am here though.
I know that there is more to glean from here than what I already know.

All day long, I have wanted to move to a new "tent city" as I like to call them, the less crazy one, but God definately had different plans for me today. Instead of pouting in my room, I ate pizza with some new people. it was nice to exist to a few today, to feel known at least a little.

Today was ahuge day of classes! It was three classes in all. About two hours each, and jam packed with information. It made me feel a little more confident in the company here, and I learned that Delaware North Companies is not just a company only situated in Yosemite, but all over the map. They pretty much own the Red Sox home stadium and The Plaza in New York...it was ridiculous!
Today I also learned that i am pretty much one of the youngest people here...most are 21 and up. Which is a little hard at times, but for the most part I can and want o hold out on drinking it up...i would rather do it around people i trust...you know?

Well that is all I have folks...thanks for reading.
I love you all.
please remember that i love letters. if you need an address, just text me. it might take a while for me to respond, but know that I will get back to you.
Day 3 closes to an end, and i still am alive.

A new start.

i am apprehensive to Yosemite...which is weird.
I have always loved Yosemite, but I have never worked here or lived here. I am not known, I know nobody.
To say the least, this is scary.

On a lighter note...
Today as i was planning a free day to do things, i ran into a girl named meghan, whom helped me to become acquainted with a couple of guys that are mad rock climbers, Thomas and Tommy. I decided to follow them to the Curry Village Sports Shop; I tried on some shoes, and i plan to buy them sometime soon. I would like to get into rock climbing...everybody else is, you know? I think it would be a good way to branch out and meet people.

After that as I was planning to leave and find some free wifi, I ran into this girl, Ashley, who is in my HR group with me...She invited me hiking with a bunch of other people I sort of knew, but the only problem was that they were about to leave! I declined, but did ride the bus with them to The Village Store. Once there, I ran into them again, and decided that today I was not going to be alone! I went hiking with them...no socks, read converse. laptop and chemistry book in backpack, and a full nalgene.
The trail this time was really sweet!
I have never before been up onto a trail right after it has been opened, but now i can!
There was still snow on the top near the falls, and there was a bunch of no-name waterfalls throughout the trail. The scenery was green and gorgeous! The view was amazing...I have never seen the tops of mountains with snow stil on them. God is good to me.

I have made it through my first day!
God has been faithful to me today, and words do not express how thankful i am of being tired.
goodnight all that read this. i love you dearly!

oh the fun! this is a picture of me right before shaving my head, with some guys on my floor the day before finals.

a short excerpt

well. look where we have come huh?
I am one final short of finishing my freshman year in college. it is 7:11 in the morning and I am almost done. that is exhausting.
I am flabbergasted...I am done.

This summer i have signed my soul to Yosemite National Park, and i am so glad i did.
Not that I do not want to go home...i have realized that my heart yearns for unexpected and the unknown. i thrive there.
i thrived here. i still am thriving. there is so much to explore!
A lot has happened this year...a lot. ha! Although it was probably the hardest and most stressful year of my life, it has been amazing learning all of the lessons i have learned.
some lessons i have learned:
1. Do not get too caught up in one particular thing.
That happened a number of times. I just get swept up into this frenzy of everything happening all at once, and it gets overwhelming and so i just sort of give up trying to make time for everything else. Do not get caught up...it sucks to come back. somehow you always do, but it is never the same.
2. I believe in God.
That has been a hard coming one. I do not know how much i want to blab on about this one, but God has shown me things i thought i would never experience...He is really compassionate and patient. I am so not deserving of His grace. of His love. of His mercy to show me things. of His fist. of His law. Hard things i am learning, but so so so worth it all.
3. Although you see what is now, you do not know what was then.
This lesson is so pertinent, it is not even funny. This is applied to everything i have experienced this year. people mostly, but same with history. the journey is more than the end, it is all about getting there. i think that is what life is. who wants to focus on the end all the time, and why not the here and now? I love this lesson the most.
4. I love my family.
although they are crazy and slightly dysfunctional..i love them more than anything. i miss them dearly, but i know that they are doing good things for themselves and others.
5. We need to have fun.
it's a fact...have fun. it is as simple as that...just go and do it.

i will leave you with this for now.
today I feel good. God is always good, it just takes a while for us to see the beautiful most of the time. let us remember to love today regardless of what we need.
peace.

I have nothing to really say.
which is weird. unnatural. quite uncommon.
i usually am filled with feelings and worries, yet right now...everything just exists.
and thinks are okay.

I have a practicum on the cardiovascular system this upcoming tuesday...joy!
I feel quite insufficient in the knowledge of what we are being tested upon. I try and try to memorize, but my brain just will not retain information!
on top of a weekend of studying, i am sick. with some kind of nasty disease...i think it might be some sort of bacterial infection...maybe sinus. not sure though because i cannot really remember when my throat started hurting...should probably go to the doctors. will not, until i am dying.
So my first anatomy lecture test, i failed horribly. I actually had to be asked to talk to the professer about it...eek! So I have been studying the material for the past month, just preparing myself for this next one. i have been on my toes for two weeks, just waiting for it to happen, and yesterday it finally came!
i feel really good about this one.

lately, i have been just trying to figure myself out.
whatever that entails. I think that i have been confusing myself...a lot.
things that made sense before, does not make sense now.
I have changed my opinion on topics as well.

i think that God is churning something new inside of me.
not sure of what though.

life is rollercoaster. think straight.

Do you ever have those songs that do not really pertain to your life, but to love in general?
the songs that when you read the lyrics, it takes some time apply them to your own life?
and although you can not find any colrrelation between your head and the lyrics, the song speaks your souls vernacular?

i found this song yesterday, and it is one of the most amazing songs I have ever listened to over and over again.
such passion.
such love.
such heartbreak.
this makes me feel human.

Cosmic Love-Florence and The Machine

enjoy friends.

cosmic love.

hello hello.
we sit. we talk.
i let you see me. you let me in too.
this is beautiful. we are beautiful.

everything is chaos.
everything is shit.
this is sacred. this is beautiful.
we get up on tables.
wait...wait...and we are free.

i can hear.
your heart. your music.
soul vernacular.
we are a little cosmic.

with each word pressed against the wounds,
we explode.
with each touch,
we wait and sit and yearn for the next one.
with eyes locked,
we read, we write, we be.

[thank you for encouraging me friend.
you make me see the beautiful things.
the world can make sense.
God has made this good.]

chemical changes.

Written from a lab report:
"This experiment has taught me that although we think we know what is going on,
we have no idea,
For most of my life, I have thought that what I was feeling and seeing is what was happening.
We can never be too sure of what the eye sees though.
We have no idea of what is happening underneath.
Underneath the surface of the liquid, the life, the soul, things are happening.
Calm is only a face. A mask.
Underneath, things are rumbling. The contents of our hearts are always moving, never staying still enough to feel the correct feeling.
We are all so confused.
How do we change this?"

hello.nice to have you with us.

nice to have to you with us.
for once i finally saw you.
thank you.

"falling madly. passionately.
i have every idea except to stay, i am still intact.
just waited. forever.waiting.
I need to be in a relationship that is going to strengthen me and my relationship with god. and boost my self confience. but it needs to come naturally. not just me asking for it.
calms me down. so level headed. I need that. no idea what i can give.
I will forever love something beautiful.
I have never seen that with anyone...
[thisishuge]."
-dear friend. love you. want the best for you. you really don't know.

wrote this in my journal:
[I really pray that we can see grace and understand that sometimes love is a choice.
most of the time love has it's way of creeping up on us. your love, LORD, is thrust upon us.
and sometimes, it sucks the life right out of me because of how real it is.
how deep it goes.
how healing it always is.
God.
you hurt to touch.
you heal to the touch.
you are real.
you love. period.
I pray that we can see that.
God. you are beautiful.
you mellow me. you strengthen me. you birth me. you wait with me. you are I AM.
pour les siècles des siècles.
Amen.] 11:33 am

intact.intact.intactstill.

here I am.
come and find me please.
let me hide for awhile longer.
here am I.

things are not that easy anymore. was it ever?
the colors are not so vibrant. what did they look like?
everything is connected and seems to pull my heart.
the only thing left is move forward. or backward?
even if that means letting you go.
let my heart go too please. could you, for awhile?

the only thing that occupies my head is love.
love is for fools.
love is good. love is strength. love is being weak.
i love alaska. i love illumination. i love forgiveness.
God loves me.
i have never deserved that.
not once. still though:
here am I.

for some damn reason....IAMINTACT.
my heartsoulmind=intact.
broken puzzle pieces fit together for once.
thank you.

waiting.

today was unbearably pregnant.
i could not settle into the day.
today held a lot, though it was hard.
it hurt to feel the day.
i did not arrive.
stop and go.

you made me in your womb.
you never stop creating me.
you know me, even when i think i am okay.
love.

all that I wanted to do today was draw and paint.
sharp angles. round edges. soft colors. deep feelings.

happening.

where to begin?
where can it end? does it?
will it?
hopefully not.

Lately, many good things have been happening. lots of things just happening.
some things begin new journeys.
some close long awaited open doors.
most heal. fewbreakme.

touching away all day.
talking often.
6 calls or more in a day.
stress right and left.
good stress, bad stress. just stress.
and I am back again.

how have I journeyed here with my heart again?
what do I say? how do I let you know when I am ready?
please do not touch me too bad...

iamdelicate.

back!

so good to be back.
so good soogood!
stuck in my head all day!

things have changed.
things are the same.
everything is connected.
lovelovelove it.

new.old.new.

hello new year.

for the past few days, I have felt everything that was thrown at me. all of it being connected with the present and past. old feelings. new healing. waiting.
felt a lot of brokenness. there is a lot in this world that is broken.
but i did get to feel beauty from this brokenness as well, due to healing. healing from God.

i was playing this game today, "tip of the tongue!" you are supposed to answer these questions regarding everything from geography to pop culture. the questions are easy enough, but are just senseless and silly random facts.
all week long, I have felt like this game...having questions, feeling, and knowing that there are answers out there, but not really knowing which ones to answer with.
something just waiting to happen. waiting to come. waiting to just make sense.

i think i might be ready for some answers. i think i am.