Resignation.

I am quitting my first official summer job.
I know…I am humiliated. I lasted one week before running home. I am slightly embarrassed to be blogging this, but I promised myself that I would keep up with this thing with new information.
I am quitting, not so much because of the living conditions, but because of my family. I have never before missed them so much as I do now. I never realized that I needed them either…as much as I have realized now.
I have been thinking about this for a while these 10 days of May. I know…not a long time, but for me to mull over something like this is unusual. I do not think about a lot for such a long time. Here I go:
For the past year, I have been on this journey of independence and self-creation. I have answered to nobody except myself, and I have loved every minute of it. I have been able to try new things and be away from the familiar. I was running from what has been semi-cradling me for the past 18 years of my life: my family, my niche; home. I have been trying to wring myself free of them pesky little rascals ever since I realized they were embarrassing..so for 18 years. I could not wait to be out on my own without having to call my parents and tell them where I was going. I was so stoked to not have to fight with my siblings for “their spot” on the couch.
Then…somewhere along the road, it got lonely. Waking up Saturday mornings were not the same at all. The fresh pot of coffee that Galen made was not there ten steps from my bed. Anna’s television shows did not blare any longer. My dad’s nagging was not there to wake me up to do chores. As I kept on walking on this journey of new explorations, I experienced a lot of pain, a ton of joy, but nothing was ever quite right. Something was missing, maybe I was missing out on something. Although I knew that things were different, I kept on looking for more. I knew that my heart was always just about to find what it was looking for, but this year at school it never did. Do not get me wrong, I have loved this year…it has been he most fun than I have ever had away from home.
As I was thinking about summer jobs, I was thinking about coming home, but to the explorer that did not sound like any fun. I needed to experience it all! So I applied to Yosemite National Park, throwing myself into this veil of disregard of what I needed…I only cared about what I wanted.
So I got out of school on the 30th of April, and met my dad and sister and aunt and uncle in the lobby of my dorm. I was so excited to see them…I have not seen Anna or my dad in more than 3 months, and my aunt and uncle for more than 9 months. It was so much fun the next night spending time with all of them at my cousin’s house in Lebanon Oregon. And then it was on to Yosemite from there, my older sister and younger brother met us in Sacramento that night, and we took them on in with us into the park to set me off again for another 3 and a half months…alone again.
As I saw their faces as they all hugged me…it was a memory I do not think I will ever forget. I was terrified of what was to come. I could even see it in their faces: the uncertainty, the fear for me. Once they left, and my heart had been ripped open, I knew I made the wrong choice. I have not experienced that kind of hurt in a while, and did not expect to feel it here, to have it find me.
As I was cleaning a tent the other morning, I realized that my huge fear is that I will not get to see my family grow. I will not be apart of that growth if I am away. I think it would be easier if I was an only child, but I am not; I have 6 siblings. We are pretty much all adults and I do not want to miss out on our lives…you know? I do not want to be that brother who nobody knows because he has been gone too long. I do not want to miss out on the small things…like graduations and engagements. I want to be there, not somewhere where I am not known and nobody cares to know…I do not want to be here.
And this is why I am coming home. Not because I could not last here for 3 and a half months, but because I would be out here without my family.
The End.

Post script. It has been raining ever since yesterday around 10:30 AM, and today around 3:30 PM it started to snow. It has been snowing on and off for around 5 hours…thank you global warming. You are quite kind to us. I wish you all a very merry Christmas May!
Remember that God is good whatever you do, wherever you are, whenever. He is good.