some points.

dark walk down the twinkling streets.
trying on new people. old soul, new body.
sit.laugh.reading each others eyes as if we were creating novels.
hard walk over a hill, home again.
breathe some old air, learned some new things.
lovelovelove. searching for peace.

some points.
I have noticed that a lot of people, namely the male population, changes around others, namely the woman population. It bums me out. i mean i guess that it is the same thing either way. I think it is more noticeable to me, for i am apart of the male percentage...orwhatever.
I guess, in general, it saddens me to see people seclude themselves from getting to know other people just for wanting to be around a certain person. weirdtome.
is it though? Do i totally play into that thought? am i exactly what i do not like?
thinking thoughts.
deciphering life.
tryingchangingcollege.

i also really like when people know when to stop and relax. i love when people can tell me that they would rather just stick at home, then hang out. i respect that so much more than overloading to make others happy.inprogress.
gone again.

dirty feet girl.you be missed.

ho down.

tonight. today. right now is so much fun. have not had that much fun with strangers in so long.

just got called a social butterfly...? weird.

Today there was a hoe down...so crazy awkward. lovely. weird. funfunfun. everybody knew it was going to be lame, but everybody made it fun. i love those events. icebreaker=the best.

college is so consuming.

named both my ipod and my computer, and almost my camera-kitty.

i realize that wherever you go, you need to find God. he might be visible, but most days, you must search and seek him out. you never make this easy. hardshit, this lifestyle is.

pldb

new.

oh jeez. college is fun, if you get into it.

the whole finding and making friends thing is a little hard. stressful. exciting. vulnerable...

i have three roommates! aleksander. marquise. quinton. we are all very different, but try and have a good time around each other. the guys on my floor are all pretty cool. at first it was awkward because we were all dancing around each other's toes, but we have become more comfortable as time progresses.

i wish i had more time to reflect, but thus, college is crazy. i have a two hour lecture on "life here, at George Fox!" I am actually looking forward to it.

give me peace. strength. i have been blessed beyond what i know.

Isaiah 25:1

O Lord, you are my God;

i will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things,

things planned long ago.

starting over.

i cannot be defined anymore by what once was.what will be. what has always been.

i am hurt.
confused by my wholelife.
frustration has become my companion. i need new friends. ha!

hmm.
today i start brand new.

on one note though, i hve never felt as loved or supported by individuals in my whole life, as I do now.wowwowwow.love. youareconstant.ineedwantyourdust.

overflow.

overflowing love.
expectations brimming over.
so many good feelings.

car is packed.
heart is finally here.
head is filled with thoughts and memories of lovely moments in this small town.

finally, it is time for me to leave....
i will miss it. i will miss you...you taught me how to fly. thankyougirl.
done.saidmypiece.
love.peace.

Silly fun!

Tonight was so much fun. i have not had silly fun like that in so long. it felt so good to let go and just be. lovedit.

runrunrun went my soul. i followed his commands. so nice. running high from smoke.
eateateat went my hands. i followed their commands. portabello is delightful.
secretssecretssecrets were on my hands. giggles heard for miles in the clear mountain air.

time with friends has been so grand lately. tuba players will be missed dearly though. true friend to me. truly one of a kind person who loves me for me, and no other reasons. beautiful to fully accept someone. love you. you will never be forgotten trick.

ready to fly north for the winter. ready to go against it all. ready to fold in.
i love you. i love what you have for me. i love what you have given me. thankyou.yousuck.

stationary.

i trytrytry. time and time again, i fail.
discouragement. wonder. mind and body run cold.
i have no choice but to be. let me be. let me remember the good times.

today. i feel so damn dumb.
blech.blah.barf bad feelings.

Big Boat.

N&*$

I am so sorry.

You know what life is. you experience. you live.

It must be so hard for you...so fucking hard.

You go day to day living a lie.

You are not attracted to girls!

You have no idea...I know.

I am so sorry.

You fascinate me.

I accept you and encourage you to be the man God intended.

This might be the most confusing time in your life...cling!

Cling for tomorrow.

Free bird, fly away.
Tomorrow brings life.love.hope.peace.future.change.

Remember that.

N&*$. don not forget O!*^*@.

Even though you have differences and believe in differnt things, do not lose her in the confusion of finding yourself.

Encouragement.

I encourage you to try new things and live your life differently. passionately. beautifully. Remember, please.

This is something i worked on earlier this year. i like it. it brings me peace.

11:51

breathebreathbreathe. release. fly.letfly. be open to guidance. so hard

so i went camping for the last few days. it was nice. i wish i had liked it more. to be completely honest with myself-i eflt as if i was supposed to play this role of the ridiculous, happy-go-lucky, hilarious brother. i am sad about that. i am sad that i felt judged and that i have to fill this role all the time.
i was different. i am different than last summer. iamchanged.

the thing is, i am happy with who i am right now. i do not know if that offends some people, especially my family, but seriously, i am so excited who i have become over this past year.
all year, i have felt cucooned into one mold of a person, who i am supposed to be. to want to be. it did not fit. graduating let me shed, and renew into a different person. not a differnt person i guess, but my real person:
i do not think i am that funny. i do not find humor in much, but the things i do think are funny-are hilarious.
i like quiet. i appreciate solo time. loud places bug me, if i am not in the mood.
i like to be healthy. i like to run.
i am tired of trying to please people, so i will not make them angry. let them be. learn to be happy.
i will be real, if you give me time.
i love to experience new things, even if they endanger my life. these things are for me, nobody else. just time to experience my body, my life. irresponsible freedom. irresistible.

iamme. accept me or not. love me or do not. i do not know.
please do not tell me how to live my life though.
i love you. i am happy for how much you have accomplished. not everyone will go your "smart" way. accept them too.me too.
fly.letfly. release. 12:13
peace of mind.db

revelry.

biblebiblebible. i liked that today. itwasnice.different.lovely.
running today was a struggle. but it was so good spiritually and emotionally.
i let a lot of anger fly, and forgave myself for things long gone, and i forgave others for petty crimes.
i am all packed for camping. no underwear. i love the outdoors!
will hear birds, different kinds though. still worthwhile.love you all.

sad to see you leave. hard to feel right about any of this. wish you the best;

got to hang out with j+k=old and silly fun;
so excited for all three of us. we have a lot coming our way. many differences. different colors, different voices. friendship is beautiful.

open mind.

walked out of church today...
not mad, just did not want to be there. not lost. just...gone again.

my body is here, that is the only thing that permits me from flying fast and hard. gravity rides.
i wish i could focus. my eyes are fixed on every damn horizon, while my heart knows that what i need is right in front of me.

super excited about camping. it should be fun. hopefully i can hear birds singing in the monring. pleasepleaseplease.
got to hang out with a rose today. lovely girl, she is. i have hopes for her. she is sad, but finds joy in her life. inspiring.
oh juan. so excited about our friendship. i always have a real good time with him. glad he found something in ny, glad he is back.wishhelikedittoo.

so many hopes. so many dreams. so many things in my head, need to get out.
1.it scares me how fast i can lose interest in people.
2.would you even consider me an option?
3.done thinking about school..forever. and ago.
sleepsleepsleep.Xingmyfingers!
peace.love.db

dreaming.

Early birds, rising before the sun. grounded. talked lots of good bits. hard to watch you go.

went running today. hour+.5hour=forever. was so good for my soul to escape my brain.
i felt free. i felt strong. i felt independent of insecurities
ran right by the your holy hill. looked for you even, but you were hiding.

As i was running, i was listening to One Republic's, "Come Home" and it was making me contemplate God and really ask forgiveness for how unfaithful i have been. i have been hiding for fear that i am not worthy enough, which is true, but i always forget that God takes us as we are.
even if we are broken and tired, all he wants us to do is come home. just to come, just to be, just try.

today was a lot of just trying to find words. flipping pages. shitty knitty. eating.
sleep finds me, weary-eyed, stumbling towards a lifelong friend, who i have no talked to in awhile.
thankyou.
post.script.
excitement about the north. coming quickly.

clean.

blank stare. clean tablet. steady pulse


i feel calm and relaxed and...gone


i am so gone, away from here, away from life. river runs north

i yearn for the morning, to welcome his lovely beauty. he brings crisp new beginnings


faithfulness. hard thing to remember. harder to strive for

I got massive things done today. bought all my textbooks! visited the bank, mailed my shit, called mad-hatter receptionists, saved money left and right. i also got my fair share of human interaction today.

made bread today as well. greatgreatgreat. it was a simple recipe, but i feel like God has blessed me with simple curiousity and amazement. songbird made me realize how beautiful the breadmaking process can be.

lay out what you got.

mix.

knead and weed out the inconsistencies.

waitwaitwait. live life.

shine out the ones you missed before.

wait just a little longer.

heat.eat.enjoy.

how i did not realize that so many things parallel each other, is beyond me.

tonight, a meteor shower walk up a silent hill, with lifelong friends. so close, so distant. as we all go in different ways, we all fly together. ah siblings.
long day. best day i have had in a long time. much needed solo.

needles:click clack away.
pages: flipped around a lively tale.
emotions: filled to the brim. overwhelmed.

ready to start a new chapter.

as my shoes hit the pavement, so my concrete heart fallls hard. my anger boils.
breath in and out. give me a minute to recoup, and I am back.

It's scares me how much influence i have in people. how much influence people have on me. I think i downplay that a lot. isn't it ironic how much we all strive to be known individuals, but somehow we are all connected in one way or another. i love you family. i really do.
peace.love.db

restless eyes

today was a day of thinkingthinkingthinking.contemplating.mulling.
it takes a lot to look at a situation from another's view. probaably one of the hardest things for me.

time rewind.
give me another chance.
do not let me live this way.
do not let me hurt this way.
you have no right to.
I never meant to do this.
give me another chance.
time rewind.

as hard as one tries, gravity rides, time persists. make the best of what you have.
lovelovelove.peace.db

postscript.
let me in one last time.i can do better.

Joshing

It was extremely fun to see you old friend.
everytime we get together, you make my day so much more than i expected.
you are becoming wise. brave. Godly. things I only dream.

long day. longer night.
bright night, follow a narrow path. light `em up, burn it down.

slept till mid-day.i feel gross. cleaning house is my forte.

i have learned already today.
You have to give yourself time to heal.
you cannot expect yourself to stay afloat after a hit like that...

lost love.

I can feel myself letting go of your hand.
ihadnoideawhatotsaytoyou.
i do not want to let go of you, do not let me.
youareright.abouteverything.

heartbreaker. headknocker.

today was a full day. I was not expecting it.
woke up at 7:23 and slept an extra ten minutes.
smoked a clove, almost barfed in the heat.
slept for three hours today, cat nap.ha.
shared excitement with an old, new found friend.
made plans for tomorrow and tuesday.

readbetweenthelines.

honesty, she is always key.experience=her and wisdom.
have not been this honest with myself in a longlonglong time.
I sewed an open wound shut, even though it hurt a little.
God is faithful. i need to follow suit.
p.l.db

doesn't cost a thing to smile.

got some new music tonight. inida arie, amazing. scwbfsakjbciasjhdq!
left today from a place of new beginnings and old friends.came back. home...reality.

i ran through the creek trail today and as I was rounding a bend, I realized that I was not being honest with myself and God.brokedowntoday. It was like, I was being brave in front of people to make sure that if they believed me, i could believe myself. it worked for quite a while.
Iamsoscared. is this the right thing? the right way? should i have ran the other direction, north? should i have ignored him? why exactly am i going?
as I was crying, I started to pray.
reguvination. peace. silentcalm. direction.
as I was doing this, I started to pass by so many diverse families, who were just enjoying life and for some reason tonight, attracted me. they were all so so so beautiful. everything about them made me smile from their skin to their differnt languages. It was as if God just opened up my eyes to these people, who yesterday I never would have even given a second glance to.
God blessed me with something so amazing tonight.
thankfulness for where i am. to be. to live. thriving. thank you thank you thankyou.

i miss flying free with you songbird. trying to do here. love you.

sleep comes soon.peace.love.

all over the place, in my mind, running here and there. aghh.
had a good. hard. trying. emotional. sweet week.
need to get away and believe. believe. believe.
peace out.

finishing up.

yesterday was.
me and free bird were all over. body and soul. smoking house, ready to fall.
although my body was wasting away by the minute, my mind was still up and running as far as it could.
i loooked up into the stars before I my head hit pillow...God has the most beautiful paintings. the stars were above cloudy sky, while I was below the clouds. illuminated by the moon.
peace.love.

apology accepted.

hmmm.
running.breathing.loving.careful not to spill.

did not have time again. rewind time for this one.

could not see out of this mess. you helped me again in times of need.

lastnightwasnice.fun.breathable.
excited...! Cannot wait to fly

Distracted.

All day, I was distracted by skcjsabdfp. so hard. dammit, why am i doing this? Why am i just letting myself go around you? You are too though...hmmm...do not understand this! Where is God?

Although today, i was gone in fantasy land, I was bravea couple of times. Bravery comes so unexpectedly. bah. It is like God gives me this strength to just not be me and not hide behind my kinsecurities and be the man He intended. so fearful of that. unnatural, but empowers me like nothing else. beauty. from ashes comes true fire.

It is funny how I am so quick to judge and retaliate when I do the same exact things that I am mad about.Is that not true for a lot of people though....I mean, I make so many decisions all the time and I will be fine with them. BUT. if someone else makes the same judgment, then it is unforgivable. should work on that. be okay with that.
long day.earlymonring.peace.love.
thank you for the body you have given me.thank you for the amazing feats i can do with it.

Overwhelming.

People are so overwhelming sometimes. in general. It's not that I am back in the place I love and cherish, but the people have changed and I am not used to it. I will have to. love them so much, just not comfortable yet.
should I become comfortable thoguhg? hmmm.

Seeing free bird is so good. missed her. love her. really sad that she will not be in Portland. bah.

this post is for last night. Did not have time to write one last night before curfew.
It was so nice to sit with esd last night and be. svjsVUbvkjnsavuKBVKJNEV.
thank you for patience and love.

Restart.

hmm.
the first day of August. Before this year, it has never really had any significance to me except for the first of August.
This day is different, for the first time. I am excited about this renewal of a month. amazing. Another chance to start again this month.

i cannot believe I am leaving. bah.
excitement. confusion. fear. hardwork. thankfulness.

I got the chance to hang out with an old friend today. he is kind-hearted, but is hurting. he really is a great guy. ha.

pumpernickel smells amazing.