bon iver.

Today was the Northwest.
I loved every minute.
the rain. the overcast. the feeling of contentment.
everything was held together by today. it is like the clouds hold the world from shattering, you know?
Rain washes things new, and i think that is why God made rain...well at least one of the many beneficial life-giving reasons for its presence.

Todaywashuge.
not only did it hold potnetial, but did I feel it's power at work.
people speaking words right and left, and God's grace thrust upon me.
so much love. so much grace. so much forgiveness.
If I was not encaptured by God's choice to love, where would i be?
If i could not accept it, how would i love?
if I could not recognize Him, what would i see?
i am so thankful for today and what it brought and what it is still bringing.

i broke my first guitar string today...bah.

i got my first oil change today...!

i truly forgave someone today.

i love you.

adventure.

Today she talked about adventure.
it brought a lot of feelings about him, Him, her, me.
it scared me. I feared again for my heart.

Sometimes the choices that we make...bring about adventure.
Adventure that can help us grow or that can meddle in what we have created and destroy.
Growth can be terrifying or can invent something beautiful. destruction can give you a clean slate or just send you back peddling for years.
The adventure I chose was not what i had expected at all.
It was utterly mesmorizing. it had me wrapped. It caught me by the hand and threw me for a spin.
once it let got though, I had nothing to clutch, and i fell. i fell something awfully beautiful.

From the adventure, i broke, i tethered....and i came back.
See, if you do not come back, the adventure and all that you went through is worthless. this is not what God has intended at all for us.
He gives us these adventures to learn from, whether they are delightful or difficult lessons to be learned.

This is what i am learning continuously. everyday. non-stop.
I think the hardest part, the question i keep with me, hidden deep inside: how could something that made me feel real, made me want to live, I felt important, i felt needed, everything was important and beautiful, how could something that made sense, made things right, be so convuluted and broken? Where was God? Why is that when i felt so close and intimate with God, did everything dissolve?
I have found no answer of the sort.

and so i wait for an answer. i wait for tomorrow. i wait for adventure.

Packing

As I sit here planning to pack and how to fit my whole life onto a bus tomorrow morning, I guess I am going to miss a few I have come to know.
My friend Lauren, who is light hearted, but has experienced deep pain.
My friend Allison who is strong willed and level headed.
My neighbor Culley, he might be the craziest man I have ever met.
My bosses, who were the only normal people here pretty much other than the former three.

I will miss the early morning sunrises and late night stars. I will be glad to go home to more stable weather though. I will be glad to slide into my family’s arms of grace and love. I am excited to start afresh.
Thanks for caring about my journey. It is still ongoing.

I have been reading a lot of Romans lately.
This grace is a gift. This righteousness is a responsibility. This life is a treasure that needs to be given life and not death. Nourish your life today…in whatever form that is constructive and uplifting.
Love.peace.

Renewed.

miss this a little.

As I was reading my bible today during my avant-garde "bowl of wheaties" breakfast, I was shocked.
I was reading from the book of Romans, and as I was reading I realized that I have taken this whole Christian lifestyle thing...for granted.
I never realized until now that I have been, and that the things that we have been given are tools and not just by happen-stance.
I was reading the part about how while we were sinners, we were obedient to that, but now that we have grace through the death of Jesus Christ, we are righteous and are obedient to this now.
See, the part that shocked me was that it did not say...you should, you will, you can...it says youare. Instead of being a delightful message, it is full of passion and weight...saying that we are obedient now. Not a question, but a command.
We get to be apart of this kingdom, without doing anything, and given all of this responsibility by the get-go.
chew on that for the day. Romans 6, I believe.
some crazy shit is brewing.
love.peace.

Resignation.

I am quitting my first official summer job.
I know…I am humiliated. I lasted one week before running home. I am slightly embarrassed to be blogging this, but I promised myself that I would keep up with this thing with new information.
I am quitting, not so much because of the living conditions, but because of my family. I have never before missed them so much as I do now. I never realized that I needed them either…as much as I have realized now.
I have been thinking about this for a while these 10 days of May. I know…not a long time, but for me to mull over something like this is unusual. I do not think about a lot for such a long time. Here I go:
For the past year, I have been on this journey of independence and self-creation. I have answered to nobody except myself, and I have loved every minute of it. I have been able to try new things and be away from the familiar. I was running from what has been semi-cradling me for the past 18 years of my life: my family, my niche; home. I have been trying to wring myself free of them pesky little rascals ever since I realized they were embarrassing..so for 18 years. I could not wait to be out on my own without having to call my parents and tell them where I was going. I was so stoked to not have to fight with my siblings for “their spot” on the couch.
Then…somewhere along the road, it got lonely. Waking up Saturday mornings were not the same at all. The fresh pot of coffee that Galen made was not there ten steps from my bed. Anna’s television shows did not blare any longer. My dad’s nagging was not there to wake me up to do chores. As I kept on walking on this journey of new explorations, I experienced a lot of pain, a ton of joy, but nothing was ever quite right. Something was missing, maybe I was missing out on something. Although I knew that things were different, I kept on looking for more. I knew that my heart was always just about to find what it was looking for, but this year at school it never did. Do not get me wrong, I have loved this year…it has been he most fun than I have ever had away from home.
As I was thinking about summer jobs, I was thinking about coming home, but to the explorer that did not sound like any fun. I needed to experience it all! So I applied to Yosemite National Park, throwing myself into this veil of disregard of what I needed…I only cared about what I wanted.
So I got out of school on the 30th of April, and met my dad and sister and aunt and uncle in the lobby of my dorm. I was so excited to see them…I have not seen Anna or my dad in more than 3 months, and my aunt and uncle for more than 9 months. It was so much fun the next night spending time with all of them at my cousin’s house in Lebanon Oregon. And then it was on to Yosemite from there, my older sister and younger brother met us in Sacramento that night, and we took them on in with us into the park to set me off again for another 3 and a half months…alone again.
As I saw their faces as they all hugged me…it was a memory I do not think I will ever forget. I was terrified of what was to come. I could even see it in their faces: the uncertainty, the fear for me. Once they left, and my heart had been ripped open, I knew I made the wrong choice. I have not experienced that kind of hurt in a while, and did not expect to feel it here, to have it find me.
As I was cleaning a tent the other morning, I realized that my huge fear is that I will not get to see my family grow. I will not be apart of that growth if I am away. I think it would be easier if I was an only child, but I am not; I have 6 siblings. We are pretty much all adults and I do not want to miss out on our lives…you know? I do not want to be that brother who nobody knows because he has been gone too long. I do not want to miss out on the small things…like graduations and engagements. I want to be there, not somewhere where I am not known and nobody cares to know…I do not want to be here.
And this is why I am coming home. Not because I could not last here for 3 and a half months, but because I would be out here without my family.
The End.

Post script. It has been raining ever since yesterday around 10:30 AM, and today around 3:30 PM it started to snow. It has been snowing on and off for around 5 hours…thank you global warming. You are quite kind to us. I wish you all a very merry Christmas May!
Remember that God is good whatever you do, wherever you are, whenever. He is good.

A long last night

It was in fact a long might last night. Not because I was out or anything, just a lot of emotions surging through myself. I was in the community center here, where there is wifi, which is amazing, but it takes so damn long to get onto the browser and then sometimes it does not even work. So I was a little pissy about that…and other important things.
Everything is alright though…today is a different day. Today has to be a different day.

I woke up this morning and was so tired. My head was still asleep as well as my body, and I did not want to pray or wake up, all I wanted to do was sleep, but my better half prevailed! I got up and ate breakfast. While I eat breakfast, I try to read the bible. I want to take this summer just to get back into the word and try and figure out a solid groundwork for my faith.
I am reading through Romans this summer. It has been quite the journey! Today I read about Abraham being our father of faith, and he is the example we want to follow. It also talked about when Abraham had faith even in his and Sarah’s old age, about having a babay that would guide the nations forever more. That even though Abraham’s body was “dead,” his faith was not. His faith was passionate, alive, working. That although he could not see into the future…God had a plan for him. An amazing plan…an extraordinary plan…this blows my mind.
I am here. I am scared. I am weak. And I still am here.
God can take me anytime he wants to, yet I am still here. I have no idea why, but he has something to teach me.
As I was reading this passage…all I could think about was a friend I made in Oregon. He is one of a kind….red I like to call him. We were talking one day both deeply and passionately about the wounds that we have received over the years, and I was amazed that we were both still here choosing to pursue a relationship with God. We were and are nonetheless. And so as I was reading this passage, the word WOUND came to mind like a brick wall. We are all broken, and we are all searching…we have wounds. Some are physical ailments, some are mental ailments, most are emotional. We have these wounds, and still God chooses to use us in the most peculiar ways. We have to have faith like Abraham…we have to choose faith like Abraham to heal these wounds, and in the process let amazing things happen.
That is all I have.

New Beginning

Today was jam-packed!
I got up at around 7:30, ate breakfast, read my bible, and then went to work.
Work was at first frustrating…really frustrating, but it got better once I decided to not be dumb. They had me train underneath this one guy, who is a really nice guy but her is terrible at teaching people. Again, really great guy…just not the best at letting people learn. He had the weirdest habit too…he would say, “fricken A,” or, “seriously,” after almost every sentence. It was not a normal use of the words, but in the most ridiculous parts of the sentence. It was like everything bugged him or everything was a serious matter.

So I worked for the longest time, I have ever had to before in my life…seven hours! I think it is a little embarrassing to tell people that I have never worked an 8-hour job before, but yes it is true.
So I guess that where I work people do not get the normal two days off because there have not been enough people coming in, but I think someone said something about 5 more people coming in and then we get two days off back. Which I am hoping for!
All that I do is clean up after people, which is totally fine with me. I mean it is a little disgusting to touch people’s sheets, but I could care less…you know? One thing I am a little worried about is whether or not I could get a skin rash…you know? Bleh:(

After work, I went running for the first time ever in Yosemite! It was terrible actually, ha! I never realized how high up I am in the mountains; it was like I was breathing half of what I normally do! I think it might be better after about a month of it or so, but jeez does elevation make a difference! It was a little like trail running, but interweaved onto concrete paths, and I officially know where the stables are now…let me tell you, you would not find them without stumbling upon them in the middle of nowhere! So then I just ran to the village store for a few items, and I took the bus home. I am starting to understand the bus system, which is an absolute must for me, at least while I am here…my only means of transportation.

I talked with the girl from queens again…her name slipped my mind, all I know is her voice and appearance. We talked a lot about where she grew up, and what New York is like. We then, talked about September 11, and that was so awesome just getting to hear her side of the story. She knew a few whose parents had died, and she told me an insider glimpse into the day. I wish Galen had been there to listen in and just be fascinated by it all. She told me this one really interesting fact that nobody I have ever talked to told me…I guess all the trains that run through the city shut down, and so people had to walk home that day. So pretty much everyone walked like 3 or 4 hours back home for the day once it happened…the whole Brooklyn bridge was full of shell shocked people just walking home in a trance…from what she told me. It was so interesting.
This has led me here.
Goodnight all. I have survived my fourth day

Here we are.

i have come to exist to a few here.
I met some new people today through training and such.
I met a girl that rode an amtrak all the way here for three days with nothing to listen to save her silence. she is originally from queens New York.
I met a guy today who drove the whole I-80 from vermont. He has been here for two weeks now.
I was graced with a girl that seemed quircky like me, she is strong-willed and is figuring out what she wants from life. she was my favorite today.

Meeting all of these people...is hard. frustrating. a breath of fresh air.
My heart wants to be back in Oregon two months ago. My heart wants my family back. My heart wants something familiar.
I know that this is not why I am here though.
I know that there is more to glean from here than what I already know.

All day long, I have wanted to move to a new "tent city" as I like to call them, the less crazy one, but God definately had different plans for me today. Instead of pouting in my room, I ate pizza with some new people. it was nice to exist to a few today, to feel known at least a little.

Today was ahuge day of classes! It was three classes in all. About two hours each, and jam packed with information. It made me feel a little more confident in the company here, and I learned that Delaware North Companies is not just a company only situated in Yosemite, but all over the map. They pretty much own the Red Sox home stadium and The Plaza in New York...it was ridiculous!
Today I also learned that i am pretty much one of the youngest people here...most are 21 and up. Which is a little hard at times, but for the most part I can and want o hold out on drinking it up...i would rather do it around people i trust...you know?

Well that is all I have folks...thanks for reading.
I love you all.
please remember that i love letters. if you need an address, just text me. it might take a while for me to respond, but know that I will get back to you.
Day 3 closes to an end, and i still am alive.

A new start.

i am apprehensive to Yosemite...which is weird.
I have always loved Yosemite, but I have never worked here or lived here. I am not known, I know nobody.
To say the least, this is scary.

On a lighter note...
Today as i was planning a free day to do things, i ran into a girl named meghan, whom helped me to become acquainted with a couple of guys that are mad rock climbers, Thomas and Tommy. I decided to follow them to the Curry Village Sports Shop; I tried on some shoes, and i plan to buy them sometime soon. I would like to get into rock climbing...everybody else is, you know? I think it would be a good way to branch out and meet people.

After that as I was planning to leave and find some free wifi, I ran into this girl, Ashley, who is in my HR group with me...She invited me hiking with a bunch of other people I sort of knew, but the only problem was that they were about to leave! I declined, but did ride the bus with them to The Village Store. Once there, I ran into them again, and decided that today I was not going to be alone! I went hiking with them...no socks, read converse. laptop and chemistry book in backpack, and a full nalgene.
The trail this time was really sweet!
I have never before been up onto a trail right after it has been opened, but now i can!
There was still snow on the top near the falls, and there was a bunch of no-name waterfalls throughout the trail. The scenery was green and gorgeous! The view was amazing...I have never seen the tops of mountains with snow stil on them. God is good to me.

I have made it through my first day!
God has been faithful to me today, and words do not express how thankful i am of being tired.
goodnight all that read this. i love you dearly!