little boy, where have you gone?
why has innocence let you wander?
come back to me.
trying to remember where i let go of your hand.
As i walk from person to place to person,
I question and I wonder if they have seen him...
"what is his name? Well, i guess it is...tamah."
and so it begins. everything settling, takes flight.
it has been years that i have been searching for him.
i cannot remember the feel of his hand in mine.
the tug on my shirt.the simple embodiment of love.
i try and cannot seem to place his face amongst the years past...
he does not fit.
he does not belong. he has no home there, here.
still i search for him...
tamah has left with a part of me. i must search for me.
i window watch and try to remember his soft blonde curls.
i try to remember his favorite smells, his names, his belonging.
an image finally comes of him, my eyes glaze over.
time stops.transcends.begins.
while everything around me stops, my mind takes flight.
i wait for words to come to retrieve this image.
...
nothing comes. sentence structure has fled. definite will no longer be my companion.
only words. only small pitiful adjectives can describe what i see.
.beautifulhumblingrightbelovedoddpeacefullychaotic.
it's tamah...it always has been.
i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to jump with joy.
he is here. he has found his hand in mine. he is home.
tamah starts to giggle, for all i can do is smile and dance.
oh to giggle with him brings my heart such joy!
it gives me the strength to rise. to live. to love again.
i pick him up in my arms. he grabs hold of mine.
push and pull. take and give.
he whispers beautiful nothingness into ears, informing me that he loves me.
...how.love.can.be. after so long.
ears strain, arms loosen, eyes catch flame.
i take a leap, and catch his eyes.
i have known this look before. it was once my own.
oh tamah.
his eyes have seen a lot. eyes that nobody wants to look through.
oh tamah.
pain.hurting.happiness.joy.confusion.knowing.growing.innocence.love.
he is strong. much more than me, somehow.
all my years for nothing compared to tamah.
we play for hours, we sit and watch the clouds, we be.
then my name is called...
what once was clear as water, and fluid,
becomes distorted and muddied.
as i look away towards the name caller,
tamah blurs and everything moves.
time begins again..?
i look around me, eveything settles into their perfect place.
i am once again, somehow, in the windowed cafe.
i sit and breathe. breathe breathe.
time has played me yet again.
where did i journey? how long was i gone?
i realize that 3 minutes has passed...only 3.
my quest for tamah, was quenched for..3 minutes, deceitfully.
as i pick up my drink, the barista and i exchange glances, and i leap.
"have you seen tamah? i misplaced him earlier..."
yet again, a no. like always...my heart breaks.
she excalims, "you will find him around here, somewhere. keep searching."
as i leave with, time is still clicking away, mercilessly.
i am opening the door, and as i give one last wistful look for tamah,
i catch a glimpse of him on the window, staring right at me.
he looks different though, but i am sure it is him.
the eyes. the demeanor. the look.
as hope rises in me and my heart takes beat again, i turn around.
he is not there...
i was sure he was there, right where i was standing.
"tamah?"
where have you gone?
how long can i go without you?
come back. please. i need me.
9 years, 5 months, and 27 days, has been long enough.
"tamah?
come back when you can, okay?"
31.10.09
29.10.09
burning inside.
hmmm.
sleep ran away last night, but was replaced by dreaming.
1.i was half asleep for this one, and i could wake myself up from this one. i did several times, it made me really uncomfortable.
I could not get my way=the epitome of my concious. it does not matter about me anymore, if that makes sense...i have to keep moving even when i cannot have my way, for if i stop...ihavenoidea. [imightbreak.]
2.my dad died. i was with my step-mom, and she was driving. i was so angry and so upset. she pulled over the car, and we were in the middle of this right bright desert. i started dry heaving and crying and cursing God. i I woke up sweating. it makes me think a lot about the people that God has surrounded me with. i was so angry, i still feel the rage rushing through my veins.
i never get to dream.
hmmm.
sleep ran away last night, but was replaced by dreaming.
1.i was half asleep for this one, and i could wake myself up from this one. i did several times, it made me really uncomfortable.
I could not get my way=the epitome of my concious. it does not matter about me anymore, if that makes sense...i have to keep moving even when i cannot have my way, for if i stop...ihavenoidea. [imightbreak.]
2.my dad died. i was with my step-mom, and she was driving. i was so angry and so upset. she pulled over the car, and we were in the middle of this right bright desert. i started dry heaving and crying and cursing God. i I woke up sweating. it makes me think a lot about the people that God has surrounded me with. i was so angry, i still feel the rage rushing through my veins.
i never get to dream.
hmmm.
27.10.09
woke up.
"scale of 1-12?I feel all."
a good friend asked me that this week. All i could say was that i feel all. my true feelings transcend every feeling, but at the same time i feel every feeling ever made:
anger.joy.hopeful.despair.timidity.passion.love.forgiveness.understanding.total and utter confusion.
everything makes sense, but at the same time, nothing does.
my whole life leading up to this feeling, everything makes sense.
i screwed up. i fucked myself over, but at the same time this is exactly where i need to be, what i need to sift through.
it's like you think you understand what God is trying to say.
then he takes you by the face, looks in your eyes, and gives you a big,
"fuck you and whatever you think. you know nothing of me and my plans for you. you sit there, and think about what any of this means. you come back when you are ready, i will be waiting. i always will be and always was, trick."
iamterrified.iamhappy.
empowerment.discouragement.
loved.noselfworth.
free.enslaved.
everything. all of this. all at once.
trying to forgive. be forgiven. to love.be loved.
all i can do is be.
there is truth in that.
tomorrow, knowing, and be=what i am clinging to.for.from.
waking up.
a good friend asked me that this week. All i could say was that i feel all. my true feelings transcend every feeling, but at the same time i feel every feeling ever made:
anger.joy.hopeful.despair.timidity.passion.love.forgiveness.understanding.total and utter confusion.
everything makes sense, but at the same time, nothing does.
my whole life leading up to this feeling, everything makes sense.
i screwed up. i fucked myself over, but at the same time this is exactly where i need to be, what i need to sift through.
it's like you think you understand what God is trying to say.
then he takes you by the face, looks in your eyes, and gives you a big,
"fuck you and whatever you think. you know nothing of me and my plans for you. you sit there, and think about what any of this means. you come back when you are ready, i will be waiting. i always will be and always was, trick."
iamterrified.iamhappy.
empowerment.discouragement.
loved.noselfworth.
free.enslaved.
everything. all of this. all at once.
trying to forgive. be forgiven. to love.be loved.
all i can do is be.
there is truth in that.
tomorrow, knowing, and be=what i am clinging to.for.from.
waking up.
Twenty Three
"Arise Oh Lord
Lift up Your eyes
Don’t forget I’m helpless
Oh You lead me to waters and pastures so green
Oh You pour out Your oil and choose goodness and mercy for me
No I will not be in want
You’re with me
I will not fear
You comfort me
I will not fear
Everything I have ever wanted, I have found in you."
25.10.09
fallhard.fast.passionetly.
oh jeez.
so many thoughts and images and feelings, swirling in my head:
pictures of rainy days that transcend time and stay put in my thoughts.
late nights within dungeon. joan.
hypnotic hips swinging to the rythym of everything good.righteous.glorious.
walking with people.
being held. being valued. being loved.
regardless of:who i am.
what i can and cannot do.
wholovesme.
time is so precious. i have realized that this week. time is so damn precious.
so much of it to spread around, but somehow is slips through our fingers like sand.
i have realized that i value time with people so much. just holding one another's hearts...
time to dialogue. time to love one another through listening,feedback, and care for each other.
time is my favorite thing to give and receive. if that is all i receive for the rest of eternity, time, i would be fine.
all day long i spent with you. it meant a lot brother. friend. you mean a lot to me.
youaregoodtome.
hopefully, i can be that unto you.
took a walk, pressing buttons, stealing beauty every chance we got.
walk.walk.walk.breathe.cry.breathe.
words were said all day that crush,build, make me want to be better.
we always sharpen each other.
came to an end of beautiful vibrance, sitting, playing, thievery [right and left]
we left together.came back seperately, but you still found a way to love me friend.
you are a heavy weight in my heart.
[thankyou]
placed in my life, has been a number of people that have showed me God's love.
they are all so gentle with me...delicate with my heart.
ineedthat.
delicate hands massaging me back to life.
holding me up when i cannot.
pushing me to be better.
their hands are on my back, arms in front, hearts touching.
these people: shygirl.aussie.gingie.freebird.joan.lumberjack.c.e.t.
my family.youlovei.
so many thoughts and images and feelings, swirling in my head:
pictures of rainy days that transcend time and stay put in my thoughts.
late nights within dungeon. joan.
hypnotic hips swinging to the rythym of everything good.righteous.glorious.
walking with people.
being held. being valued. being loved.
regardless of:who i am.
what i can and cannot do.
wholovesme.
time is so precious. i have realized that this week. time is so damn precious.
so much of it to spread around, but somehow is slips through our fingers like sand.
i have realized that i value time with people so much. just holding one another's hearts...
time to dialogue. time to love one another through listening,feedback, and care for each other.
time is my favorite thing to give and receive. if that is all i receive for the rest of eternity, time, i would be fine.
all day long i spent with you. it meant a lot brother. friend. you mean a lot to me.
youaregoodtome.
hopefully, i can be that unto you.
took a walk, pressing buttons, stealing beauty every chance we got.
walk.walk.walk.breathe.cry.breathe.
words were said all day that crush,build, make me want to be better.
we always sharpen each other.
came to an end of beautiful vibrance, sitting, playing, thievery [right and left]
we left together.came back seperately, but you still found a way to love me friend.
you are a heavy weight in my heart.
[thankyou]
placed in my life, has been a number of people that have showed me God's love.
they are all so gentle with me...delicate with my heart.
ineedthat.
delicate hands massaging me back to life.
holding me up when i cannot.
pushing me to be better.
their hands are on my back, arms in front, hearts touching.
these people: shygirl.aussie.gingie.freebird.joan.lumberjack.c.e.t.
my family.youlovei.
21.10.09
yellow song-bird, coal mines
i dig. i dig. i dig deep.
all day long, we all go. we dig.
that is what we are here for...to unravel the dark.
or unravel in the dark?
all of us, dressed in generic suits, fused into our skins. masks, some would call them.
clinking away. everyday, breaking away the boulders of our chest.
this dance has a certain rhymth to it...you know?
it might just be me...
wake up. pretend to be happy.
the sky is dark again. the day has begun again.
breathe breathe breathe. listen.
a beautiful songbird whistles.
time for work again.
even though i will never understand work, i love it.
regardless that we are called to work hard, to work valiantly...
in some deep twisted part, we love it.
working the stone slabs, humans call the heart, everyday.
scrubscrub.scrape.pick-ax.scrape.scrubscrub.
whistling echoes the beat. the breathe intake.
the soot covers my hands, my ribs, my intestines, everything.
everything is marred, nothing can escape the messy.
everything i touch, that touches me, becomes complicated and relevant.
i need to be careful now...this is delicate work, hacking away the thousand year-old coal.
a thousand more and it could have been diamonds, nobody can ever wait...
underneath the earth, a couple of miles, we work.
day in.day out. rain. shine. snow. clouds. fog.
it does not matter, the whistling never stops.
will it ever? will i ever get to rest?
breathe.whistle.breathe.whistle.breathebreathebreathe...breathe.
calm transcends. glances exchanged, nervous laughs.
the songbirds cease to drive. we can stop.
this is what begins. this is where we make or break.
there is a choice. to stop and run. to brave death.
my eyes glaze over as axes and hard hats around me drop, arms flail.
i am shoved toward the light of the surface...the surface.
fuck.
my mind makes the only rational decision.
i run. push. scream. fight my way back down.
i will never go back up. i have seen the ugly. neat. flightless people.
all my hard work! for nothing...i do not think so!
is there no perseverance in these sheep? is there no courage?
my heart knows nothing else.
even in the face of death herself, i cannot give up my work.
my grinding, revolting, beautiful work for the deeper inner-workings.
even if i die getting there, i cannot waste one minute resting!
i must tear down these walls around my chest,
even if the whistling has stopped. even if i find no logic, no basis.
i must persevere through the silence and cling: with
for
to faith
this is what...i know.
this is...what i need to know.
i dig. i dig. i dig deep.
all day long, we all go. we dig.
that is what we are here for...to unravel the dark.
or unravel in the dark?
all of us, dressed in generic suits, fused into our skins. masks, some would call them.
clinking away. everyday, breaking away the boulders of our chest.
this dance has a certain rhymth to it...you know?
it might just be me...
wake up. pretend to be happy.
the sky is dark again. the day has begun again.
breathe breathe breathe. listen.
a beautiful songbird whistles.
time for work again.
even though i will never understand work, i love it.
regardless that we are called to work hard, to work valiantly...
in some deep twisted part, we love it.
working the stone slabs, humans call the heart, everyday.
scrubscrub.scrape.pick-ax.scrape.scrubscrub.
whistling echoes the beat. the breathe intake.
the soot covers my hands, my ribs, my intestines, everything.
everything is marred, nothing can escape the messy.
everything i touch, that touches me, becomes complicated and relevant.
i need to be careful now...this is delicate work, hacking away the thousand year-old coal.
a thousand more and it could have been diamonds, nobody can ever wait...
underneath the earth, a couple of miles, we work.
day in.day out. rain. shine. snow. clouds. fog.
it does not matter, the whistling never stops.
will it ever? will i ever get to rest?
breathe.whistle.breathe.whistle.breathebreathebreathe...breathe.
calm transcends. glances exchanged, nervous laughs.
the songbirds cease to drive. we can stop.
this is what begins. this is where we make or break.
there is a choice. to stop and run. to brave death.
my eyes glaze over as axes and hard hats around me drop, arms flail.
i am shoved toward the light of the surface...the surface.
fuck.
my mind makes the only rational decision.
i run. push. scream. fight my way back down.
i will never go back up. i have seen the ugly. neat. flightless people.
all my hard work! for nothing...i do not think so!
is there no perseverance in these sheep? is there no courage?
my heart knows nothing else.
even in the face of death herself, i cannot give up my work.
my grinding, revolting, beautiful work for the deeper inner-workings.
even if i die getting there, i cannot waste one minute resting!
i must tear down these walls around my chest,
even if the whistling has stopped. even if i find no logic, no basis.
i must persevere through the silence and cling: with
for
to faith
this is what...i know.
this is...what i need to know.
i dig. i dig. i dig deep.
17.10.09
nameless face.
too bright. too warm. too much.
get back, drag me out now. get me out of here.
i cannot take much more of this.
I sit here, the life here has left,
breathed into another life.
a life better than mine, a life more deserving than mine.
where did i go wrong?
i gave too much. i put too much in.
i cannot look you in the eyes anymore.
distant. somewherenorth. somewhere high.
my wings yearn for the wind to pick me up.
the air is too thick for take off,
the fog settling nicely.right.in.my.way.
my eyes glaze over trying to search for the good.
how to be good again? where to begin again?
my eyes fall, downcast, closing them, my guide to light.
starting over. wouldn't that be nice!
oh how i wish.
hello, my name is...
nice to meet you...
nonchalantly.
never to talk again.
my arms cannot find strength to pick myself up.
my legs are tired from treading.
my heart pumps slow, unsteadily, finicky.
waiting for something. anything. everything.
i start to drown again.
my eyes open searching for the meaning of life.
this time, the water is more viscous, more violent, just more.
pick me up. drag me out. get me out of here.
get back, drag me out now. get me out of here.
i cannot take much more of this.
I sit here, the life here has left,
breathed into another life.
a life better than mine, a life more deserving than mine.
where did i go wrong?
i gave too much. i put too much in.
i cannot look you in the eyes anymore.
distant. somewherenorth. somewhere high.
my wings yearn for the wind to pick me up.
the air is too thick for take off,
the fog settling nicely.right.in.my.way.
my eyes glaze over trying to search for the good.
how to be good again? where to begin again?
my eyes fall, downcast, closing them, my guide to light.
starting over. wouldn't that be nice!
oh how i wish.
hello, my name is...
nice to meet you...
nonchalantly.
never to talk again.
my arms cannot find strength to pick myself up.
my legs are tired from treading.
my heart pumps slow, unsteadily, finicky.
waiting for something. anything. everything.
i start to drown again.
my eyes open searching for the meaning of life.
this time, the water is more viscous, more violent, just more.
pick me up. drag me out. get me out of here.
16.10.09
people exist.
lately, i have been thinking a lot about people.
how much they mean.
how important EVERYONE is!
we all have stories, we all need to be heard, we all need to reciprocate love in whatever form we can.
i sit here. sleep evades with all chance of feeling rested tomorrow, today.
i have too many thoughts inside.
let me speak them.
one of the things that is hard for me is that i overextend myself.
i want to be everyone's person...ba.ha!
i am a sad excuse for the silohuette of what i wish for.
i feel like God gives me a lot of strength though to strive to be that.
i find the most beauty for people when i am:
tired.gone away.fragile. i see most when it is not through my eyes, but through God's.
when i am hurt, for i feel that is when i can most understand people.
loaded gun, aim, shoot.
it hurts to see people that vulnerable all the time.
i find myself pouring into them, where to stop?
when does it become hurtful and unpleasant...is this what real love is? so much that it hurts....
a lot of thoughts.
berggirl, you are beautiful and lovely. you are worthy of those words. knowlove.seekpeace.
edgarallenpoe.
how much they mean.
how important EVERYONE is!
we all have stories, we all need to be heard, we all need to reciprocate love in whatever form we can.
i sit here. sleep evades with all chance of feeling rested tomorrow, today.
i have too many thoughts inside.
let me speak them.
one of the things that is hard for me is that i overextend myself.
i want to be everyone's person...ba.ha!
i am a sad excuse for the silohuette of what i wish for.
i feel like God gives me a lot of strength though to strive to be that.
i find the most beauty for people when i am:
tired.gone away.fragile. i see most when it is not through my eyes, but through God's.
when i am hurt, for i feel that is when i can most understand people.
loaded gun, aim, shoot.
it hurts to see people that vulnerable all the time.
i find myself pouring into them, where to stop?
when does it become hurtful and unpleasant...is this what real love is? so much that it hurts....
a lot of thoughts.
berggirl, you are beautiful and lovely. you are worthy of those words. knowlove.seekpeace.
edgarallenpoe.
15.10.09
this week;
my voice is not strong enough to convey the emotion, the love, the respect, the amazingness of this week...
i wish i could.
kcjniurtwgjbvaklvgifaerbvbk...there.
there, now you know.
today, i wrote a few things down:
1.words have so much meaning.
2.God is amazing.
3.everyday, not just today, has so much potential. make it.
i wish i could.
kcjniurtwgjbvaklvgifaerbvbk...there.
there, now you know.
today, i wrote a few things down:
1.words have so much meaning.
2.God is amazing.
3.everyday, not just today, has so much potential. make it.
let it be.free.
[i want to be free. i want to fly free of my insecurities.]
I want to walk alongside you. i want to walk free of your hand though.
we can walk together.BUT i want to be okay with you leaving.
i want to be able to stand alone and be okay.
hmmm.
[Iamstorng.Iamvulnerble.Iamloved.]
as are you.
I want to walk alongside you. i want to walk free of your hand though.
we can walk together.BUT i want to be okay with you leaving.
i want to be able to stand alone and be okay.
hmmm.
[Iamstorng.Iamvulnerble.Iamloved.]
as are you.
12.10.09
into the dark.
so many thoughts. ugh. lovely thoughts.
hard feelings. good vibes.
walk walk. in step. heart and head. keep the pace, hurry up now, never lose it.do not lose this.
eyes beaming. heart overwhelmed, brimming over.
fingers and toes, frigid. head and heart warming, comforting.
i can see through the fog, looking out across the vast sea now.
what have i stumbled upon?
from where do i begin? how to explain?
the water, churning and splashing playfully.
my calves saturated through to the bone.
i look towards the horizon,
trying to memorize the vibrant colors.
the dark of night blending into the colorful sun's grasp.
i try to memorize what this juxtaposition feels like.
i am not blessed with this, everyday, never-day.
God, this is beautifully captivating.
the sun creeps away,
our day has yet again come to an end.
so much to process. contemplate.
i am already forgetting what the day looked like.
come back to me. "come back!" i cry.
my eyes dart back and forth between the present and past.
as i look towards the horizon for recognizable familiarities,
all i receive is wishful thinking.
things i once knew myself, but have forgotten.
"give me back!" i yell.
i scream for what i feel,
for what i cannot see,
for the unknown.
.fear sets in.
the tide begins to rise,
all i seem to know is that i should walk. move. keep going.
you lead. i follow.
the waves crash harder against my thighs.
i no longer know if my feet are moving,
or if i am floating towards the foreshadowed hue of nothingness.
my chest heaves. tears stain. my mouth gurgles sea water.
i fear, for the depth can be so daunting.
how long can my gills breathe?
how much pressure can i take?
as my eyes search, straining for something to hold onto,
my feet catch, everything swoons.
although the crystal clear surface of the water is gone,
although my vision blurs,
my heart jumps for joy. my head knows better.
has my brokenness not taught me more?
the sea spins me.
the waves surround.
the current flows, inconsistent to my needs, regardless of what i want.
you lead. i follow.
i swoon to the rhythm of this beautiful dance. my heart brims.
although i cannot see into the abyss,
even fathom its vastness,
i know that this is hard.good.beautiful.right.complex.glorious.
as my sea legs begin to find motion,
i find i love the water. i love the way it makes me feel.
confident. seaworthy. loved. present. i am supposed to be here. i feel.
i feel, and once again i know that i am human.
i know that i can find beauty once more, in another form.
can i get used to this?
how long can i play this game? how many innings am i worthy of?
God.
what.the.fuck.
you know me. i hate how good you are to me.
i hate that you have given me this end. i hate that once again i am me.
i love that once again, i can rest in your arms.
once again, i am not strong enough. i need your rest.
i find a home.
iamhome.
sleep invades.
these exhausted eyelids have not seen rest in quite a moon.
hard feelings. good vibes.
walk walk. in step. heart and head. keep the pace, hurry up now, never lose it.do not lose this.
eyes beaming. heart overwhelmed, brimming over.
fingers and toes, frigid. head and heart warming, comforting.
i can see through the fog, looking out across the vast sea now.
what have i stumbled upon?
from where do i begin? how to explain?
the water, churning and splashing playfully.
my calves saturated through to the bone.
i look towards the horizon,
trying to memorize the vibrant colors.
the dark of night blending into the colorful sun's grasp.
i try to memorize what this juxtaposition feels like.
i am not blessed with this, everyday, never-day.
God, this is beautifully captivating.
the sun creeps away,
our day has yet again come to an end.
so much to process. contemplate.
i am already forgetting what the day looked like.
come back to me. "come back!" i cry.
my eyes dart back and forth between the present and past.
as i look towards the horizon for recognizable familiarities,
all i receive is wishful thinking.
things i once knew myself, but have forgotten.
"give me back!" i yell.
i scream for what i feel,
for what i cannot see,
for the unknown.
.fear sets in.
the tide begins to rise,
all i seem to know is that i should walk. move. keep going.
you lead. i follow.
the waves crash harder against my thighs.
i no longer know if my feet are moving,
or if i am floating towards the foreshadowed hue of nothingness.
my chest heaves. tears stain. my mouth gurgles sea water.
i fear, for the depth can be so daunting.
how long can my gills breathe?
how much pressure can i take?
as my eyes search, straining for something to hold onto,
my feet catch, everything swoons.
although the crystal clear surface of the water is gone,
although my vision blurs,
my heart jumps for joy. my head knows better.
has my brokenness not taught me more?
the sea spins me.
the waves surround.
the current flows, inconsistent to my needs, regardless of what i want.
you lead. i follow.
i swoon to the rhythm of this beautiful dance. my heart brims.
although i cannot see into the abyss,
even fathom its vastness,
i know that this is hard.good.beautiful.right.complex.glorious.
as my sea legs begin to find motion,
i find i love the water. i love the way it makes me feel.
confident. seaworthy. loved. present. i am supposed to be here. i feel.
i feel, and once again i know that i am human.
i know that i can find beauty once more, in another form.
can i get used to this?
how long can i play this game? how many innings am i worthy of?
God.
what.the.fuck.
you know me. i hate how good you are to me.
i hate that you have given me this end. i hate that once again i am me.
i love that once again, i can rest in your arms.
once again, i am not strong enough. i need your rest.
i find a home.
iamhome.
sleep invades.
these exhausted eyelids have not seen rest in quite a moon.
10.10.09
9.10.09
Wednesday, was so hard. exhausting. empowering. i could not handle it all.Nonetheless i had coffee with a dearfriend, or whatever.
oh, how i wish for light.
oh, i wish to be held by you God.
i have no idea where I am. should be. how to be.
it's hard, but i cannot think of anywhere i would rather be.
i need to find you again, in whatever that looks like. maybe something new.
oh bloggy, you are too bittersweet.
"4.This is what the Lord says to me:
'As a lion growls,
a great lion over his prey-
and though a whole band of shepherds is called together against him,
he is not frightened by their shouts or disturbed by their clamour-
so the Lord Almighty will come down to do battle on Mount Zion and on its heights.'" isiah 31:4
i feel like that:
wherever i am at
whoever i become
whatever i think-
God will protect my heart, if i allow myself to be.
i think the trick is to find out how to do the deuce. donotletmebeasheep!
amazing day.
i sit. i breathe hard, i exhale barely. you have caught my breathe yet again.
short walk under clear skies. fingers cold amongst the empty hands.
breathe in. breathe out, you can do this.
warm concrete bricks. good music. better voices.
to be happens. dancing bodies, eyes reading for knowing.
secrets worn on others sleeves.
caution. step back: too much. too much.
sleep comes finally, alone once again.
pictures fly in and out of view. unseen light hits the inside of my eyelids.
one picture plays over and over: groves of existentialism. late night giggles.
let me be, stop torturing my heart.
is this life not funny?
the heart wants what it can never have.
we play this game with ourselves: this game of "what if". we play ourselves into heartbreak.
we build ourselves up on these romantic ideas of love. these things that would NEVER be.
not that society should not let it happen,
butthattheywouldneverbethatperson.
letmewakeup.
is it bad to live one day in a lie?
i loved yesterday. it was a really really nice day.
you were my lie...
short walk under clear skies. fingers cold amongst the empty hands.
breathe in. breathe out, you can do this.
warm concrete bricks. good music. better voices.
to be happens. dancing bodies, eyes reading for knowing.
secrets worn on others sleeves.
caution. step back: too much. too much.
sleep comes finally, alone once again.
pictures fly in and out of view. unseen light hits the inside of my eyelids.
one picture plays over and over: groves of existentialism. late night giggles.
let me be, stop torturing my heart.
is this life not funny?
the heart wants what it can never have.
we play this game with ourselves: this game of "what if". we play ourselves into heartbreak.
we build ourselves up on these romantic ideas of love. these things that would NEVER be.
not that society should not let it happen,
butthattheywouldneverbethatperson.
letmewakeup.
is it bad to live one day in a lie?
i loved yesterday. it was a really really nice day.
you were my lie...
6.10.09
hello.
how do i say things to you?
why do i want to?
i want you to realize what you mean. i wish i could make sense of you.
I want to know why you have taken my heart. you refuse to acknowledge it and me.
what is wrong with you? what is wrong with me to make you so relevant?
youscareme.
give me back. or
let me see you.
an inconsistency in definition.
why do i want to?
i want you to realize what you mean. i wish i could make sense of you.
I want to know why you have taken my heart. you refuse to acknowledge it and me.
what is wrong with you? what is wrong with me to make you so relevant?
youscareme.
give me back. or
let me see you.
an inconsistency in definition.
5.10.09
reality.
you think you understand. but you do not.
you never quite fully grasp anything.
you try to find tangibility. you try to hold on.
grey area. thick fog. hmmm.
so much in this society today, we try to define define define.
i do.
it seems to make things easier. it seems to bring peace from this chaos.
i find that i like punctuation because it give me definition. it gives me a border, a perimeter that i need to stay in.
a need to color inside the lines.
sometimes though, our ideals are not inside those lines, borderless.
sometimes...our hearts are outside those boxes.
what happens then? where do we go from there?
all i know and understand is that i hate the black and white.
i do not know if i could ever go back to that..is that even possible?
can people lie that well to themselves? this is real life...?
it's fucking terrifying to be there. to be here.
should i go back?
never
you never quite fully grasp anything.
you try to find tangibility. you try to hold on.
grey area. thick fog. hmmm.
so much in this society today, we try to define define define.
i do.
it seems to make things easier. it seems to bring peace from this chaos.
i find that i like punctuation because it give me definition. it gives me a border, a perimeter that i need to stay in.
a need to color inside the lines.
sometimes though, our ideals are not inside those lines, borderless.
sometimes...our hearts are outside those boxes.
what happens then? where do we go from there?
all i know and understand is that i hate the black and white.
i do not know if i could ever go back to that..is that even possible?
can people lie that well to themselves? this is real life...?
it's fucking terrifying to be there. to be here.
should i go back?
never
4.10.09
love.
i am learning that love is messy.
it's never what we want.expect.understand.
i wonder if God has a part in this whole love thing, more than we understand.
i think that once i accept God's love and His grace, then maybe....
maybe we can finally learn how to love each other.
it's never what we want.expect.understand.
i wonder if God has a part in this whole love thing, more than we understand.
i think that once i accept God's love and His grace, then maybe....
maybe we can finally learn how to love each other.
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 1john 4: 7-12
oh hello.
oh hello.
thanks for listening.
3.10.09
hrtbrk.
happy 4th of October world.facing one's own faults is quite hard.
i realize that i am not the best at life.
sometimes, we all make horrible decisions. sometimes, our choices ruin other lives.
is that not the scariest and most responsible thing you have ever heard?
we have weight.
our own decisions can "make or break" someone's day...theirchoices.theirimpact.
we all are significant to someone and hold weight.
so much truth.
sometimes, we all make horrible decisions. sometimes, our choices ruin other lives.
is that not the scariest and most responsible thing you have ever heard?
we have weight.
our own decisions can "make or break" someone's day...theirchoices.theirimpact.
we all are significant to someone and hold weight.
so much truth.
iamsorry.i never meant to make you feel that way.
i feel i deserve an apology though...
youwillnot.
i feel like we are a very prideful people.
what would it look like, if we all just apologized to everyone we know, for everything we did wrong on them? what about the things we had no idea about...would we let those that hurt us know? would they even be sorry if they apologized?
longhairgirl.
iwishsomanythings.
letmeknow...
whenicanforgivemyself.
walk.walk.walk. silence swallows. overwhelms. heart swells
pace ourselves. even in step. tears fall. anger rises. windwindwind
light 'em up. burning sticks. sweep me away into yor arms of love.
too bright, for this dark dark night. let me know that i am whole.
sometimes, when we sift, through the real shitty things.
we pass by all of these things we should grab hold of.
once in a blue moon, when we are searching for an existential happening,
we pass right by the simple things that sustain us the most.
tonight, i felt my heart beat.
i laid on the concrete sidewalk, listened to the trees talk, and knew that i was alive.
thanks again.
i laid on the concrete sidewalk, listened to the trees talk, and knew that i was alive.
thanks again.
1.10.09
witches and goblins
happy October 1st.
hello October, nice to see you again.
i always change. you are so constant.
cannot wait for you to know me...
hello October, nice to see you again.
i always change. you are so constant.
cannot wait for you to know me...
must go.
i am at a loss for words.
so many things have happened...my heart overwhelms because....know that you are loved.
i got the priviledge to lead guys through an exercise of naming ourselves, instead of being owning the names that people have placed on us...stereotypes.prejudices.hurt.broken.vulnerable. i saw guys step out of their comfort zones and be themselves.
beauty transcends. i could not help but be in awe of how doubtful i was about everything.
God. who are you to love me? God, who am i to be worthy of this?
thanks.
i have not been able to really think about this week, but i know that this..whatever this is, will be, could be....is good.
so many things have happened...my heart overwhelms because....know that you are loved.
i got the priviledge to lead guys through an exercise of naming ourselves, instead of being owning the names that people have placed on us...stereotypes.prejudices.hurt.broken.vulnerable. i saw guys step out of their comfort zones and be themselves.
beauty transcends. i could not help but be in awe of how doubtful i was about everything.
God. who are you to love me? God, who am i to be worthy of this?
thanks.
i have not been able to really think about this week, but i know that this..whatever this is, will be, could be....is good.
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