"I know that I can trust you."

Gosh, so many damn things have happened in the past two weeks it’s almost too daunting all to talk about. Where to start…

I think the word that invades my mind is .I N T E N S E.

From the beginning:

Me and a dear friend of mine drove up the coast on our way back up to school, and it was all encompassing. Truth upon our hearts and lips with every bend in the curvy road. Lies shouted at the cold Northern Pacific Ocean. Play along the invasive blackberry bushes of the highway and fun in Portland with other dear friends. We arrived at school, and immediately started training for Peer Advising, which is just helping with Orientation and First Year Seminar classes for the incoing graduating class of 2016.

The Middle:

It was amazing. Never before have I had so much fun with a group of people that I was only working with in a non-spiritual capacity. I mean, everything is spiritual, but Peer Advising is, to an extent, nothing more than practical than spiritual. This might sound weird, but it was spiritually and emotionally filling to just be a, “worker bee,” and just do what I was told. I think after this summer of making decisions on my own, and how spiritually exhausting it was to be present at camp, God knew that I needed to just get shit done and do work. At camp, I was always on call so I mean work came when it did and when it wanted to. I was never told when I needed to work or where I needed to be most of the time-so to just have a schedule and structure was nice. Ironically, it was exhausting. I was never that tired at camp, ever; a lot of energy was needed for this last week. God provided, and it was beautiful.

Inbetween Here and There:

Coming back to such a familiar place, being such a different person is an interesting thing-maybe not a different person, but a more free person. More free in Christ. More free to be me, and not care about lies that I have in the past. Lies that tell me I am different and that is weird. Lies that exclude me from the general population. Lies that mean I cannot go to Heaven. Lies that say that I am not skinny enough, fit enough, _______ enough. Lies that tell me that to be satisfied, I have to be in a relationship always. Lies that tell me I am not male enough. Fuck that shit dude.

So being back in this community has been amazing. I have had some really rich conversations with great souls, and some more intense conversations that were a little draining. One theme though in all of them were that we were searching for T R U T H placing our eyes on Jesus, and desiring his peace and strength. In the joy of being honest with fellow peers, and in the deep deep brokenness of lies, Jesus was there. In the rejuvenation of long friends and the deep and passionate hurt of long friendship, Jesus was there. In the quietness of monotonous tasks, and the energy of new faces, Jesus is there. Jesus is here, everywhere, and all we have to do is notice Him. Perspective.

{I know I have said this a lot, and it is T R U T H. I have never felt this confidence before. Christ is alive and working in me and through me-I am merely a vessel of his love. All that I have to do is stay free from Satan’s L I E S, and confident in the fact that Jesus died for my humanness so that I could be free. Knowing that fact is one thing, but believing it and getting there has been such a long, intense, bloody, heartbreakingly perseverant endeavor. If you take anything away from this blurb yet again about freedom, know that it is there. Know that if you just press on a little longer, it is there-just around the curve. Believe that through every hardship, the perseverace to keep moving along and trudging through the muck and mire builds. Believe that Christ died for a reason, for you and I. Believe this. Know that we have a duty to spread God’s love throughout this world in the capacities that we have been blessed with. Believe that you are capable of spreading His kingdom further than you imagined. Know that Christ has given us the room to be free of lies and burdens and heartbreak, to rely on Christ’s providing, and to invite others into that freedom. Believe that Christ has placed in us the capacity and responsibility to love others in beautiful and creative ways. Believe this. If you can do anything productive today-believe this.}

Today: 

Hebrews 2-3. Please take the time to read this, and listen to this song- “Climb,” by United Pursuit Band. Kill two birds with one stone, and do them at the same time-WOOHOOO! Multi-tasking!

Family, I miss you and love you.

Welp- today happened.

Today was a day of extremes. 

Extreme joy-Extreme peace-Extreme frustration-Extreme thankfulness-Extreme bravery-

Extreme work out.

Today the Lord blessed me in so many different unexpected ways that I could only sit and take it in. I have not been able to process it all, and I will probably be processing it throughout the week, but He has been so F A I T H F U L to me. 

So many prayers answered. 

Also a lot of doors left open though-we will see where they lead, if they will at all. 

I'm so hopeful.

on a different note: a night hike with the my brother above the town amongst the hills. 

words cannot adequately explain what happened tonight. 

He is my best friend. enough said. 

.backdraft.

As I was sitting in church today, I felt so great. I was on top of the world!
A thought crossed my mind while I was sitting and wading through my euphoria-if people whom find freedom are free...what will they ever deal with again?
Really, my question was-will I ever deal with anything again? What else is there to traverse through? I must be bulletproof. I was thinking about all of this during the announcements, and I had the faintest tingling in my stomach. I must be bulletproof. untouchable.

push comes to shove-So the pastor started to say words, and I listened to him.
and I  b r o k e. 

He questioned what we are still filing our lives with, rather than God. what we still were? Ha, Someone did not get the memo this Sunday did they Mr. Pastor-Man!
Hmm, maybe God forgot to mention to him that I just won the race. 

It hit me like Backdraft. the word still was pivotal-it was in the present form. H E R E and N O W
Did I really believe that I was going to be my own Savior for the rest of my life?
Gag me, I felt so dumb!
What was I still a slave to? What am I still putting stock in to feel worthy enough?
-my, "need," to be in a relationship.
-my image (body, clothing, reputation)
-every insecurity out there (table for one, please!)

I guess something I had not considered was this: 

 "Shoot. Well you wrote about freedom. Sometimes I feel like I do have it and other times not." 

A friend said that to me the other day, and it makes me wonder if freedom is specific to only situations or can you find it in all areas of your life? Did i really find freedom? I think it HAS to be situationally specific. Just because I let something huge go that I felt like had, and in fact did, consume me for years, does not mean that everything else will be taken care of.
I picture it like this: Our personal demons can be like tumors-they can get so giant in our souls. They can and will take over what we have left of our souls if we do not deal with those demons. It will consume us if not taken care of. Say though, that we finally have enough courage and bravery and motivation to deal with that tumor. We cut ourselves open, and take a look inside. We are surprised to find that the tumor is bigger than we thought-it has been supported by blood vessels which bring back and forth blood to and from our hearts. When you stop and marvel at it, all one can see is just one big pulsating mass, with little tendons of vessel keeping it in place. It almost looks as if it is a heart. So we go to work on it. It takes days, weeks, months, maybe even years, but at last. LONG LAST, we are done! We are free!!! When we look to see the work that has been done inside our inmost beings, we see a clean hole where the tumor once was; glorious day.
But wait! Although the tumor is gone, the blood vessels are still there, and ready to attach pass life to the next tumor.
One thing that i missed was that my one big tumor had so many blood vessels giving it life and feeding into it that I did not realize multifaceted slavery I was producing and taking hand in.

I think you have to be ready to FULLY let go of whatever you are holding, and let God do the rest. What is the harm though?

Lesson # 1.
Only because you find freedom in one major area of your life, does not mean that your life will be perfect in other ones. welcome.
Lesson # 2.
Do not watch Pixar's Brave when you are exhausted. That shit'll make you cry for no reason whatsoever.

and this.

love this. love her.

.coming home.

    I remember more than a year ago making a piece of multi-media art that touched on the subject of coming home. At the time, I had made a roundabout of life, disowning myself from my family, to coming back, refusing to be loved by them, and finally making my way back to nestling in their arms of open grace and love. The piece particularly used the examples of elephants growing up and leaving their herds and then by the time they are adults will come back to the herd and die with them. I wrote the lines, "Although they leave, they know where home is, they will come back, they always do."
I felt as I ended my summer last summer, I was ready to come. back. home. I felt like the prodigal son even. Before I left home, i burned bridges right and left disregarding people's feelings. i came back broken and needing love, I needed to show them that I could love.
T R U S T.
I needed to make sure that I could trust them, and more importantly that they could trust me not to leave again in such a fuss. I think in the same way that elephants come back, they needed to see the change in me that I was here for keeps-I was going to die with them.

It has been more than a year now that I made that piece of art.
It has been more than a year that I have come home.

Yesterday was a hard day-a lot of saying certain goodbyes amongst a lot of uncertainty.
I said a final goodbye to the summer staff 2012 of camp, and it was difficult because it signified a new beginning of individual, if that makes sense- I will always feel connected to these beautiful people, but we will never be all together again in the same place, save heaven.
The uncertainty stemmed from freshly wading through old feelings of bitterness and heartbreak with a new friend.
I was thinking about how embittering those feelings of self-hate and rejection were when I felt them in past years...nauseatingly, I remember them. They were some of my darkest days if I am telling the truth.
 F R E E D O M  I N  C H R I S T (through the forest)-this saved me from my self-hate and rejection.

I know this sounds quite cliche, but it has been through God that I have found freedom from myself.
It has been through Jesus Christ that I am not a slave to my faults and misgivings.
It is because of Him that I come home, say goodbye, and write in this dumbass blog. I have found words again because of our relationship.


The one thing that I can say for certain is this: H O L D  O N, my friend. hold fast to hope. There will be rest one day, and when it comes it will be rich. it is rich. Keep on pressing on towards Christ and do not forget to love yourself because what He made is G O O D. Remember to live by the Spirit, like it says in Galatians-love fully, be joyful, find peace, be patient, be kind, do good, scream for F A I T H F U L L N E S S, live life with a gentle spirit, and have self-control. We were called to be F R E E. Sofuckingdoit. 

until next time, enjoy my socks as much as I do.

A slow wake this morning felt wonderful. I slumbered amongst the covers in between prayers and sleep until breakfast.
I have been praying all morning. for the staff, for the campers, for myself, for her parents. prayer.
Once I got up, the chaos of a meal consumed me-as it always does.
I let myself go in the overwhelming stimulation of it all, and paid attention to everything that I could care less about; i felt myself losing my grip on inhibition. What was going on? Why was I acting so weird?
Then, in about a second flat my friend came rushing into the dining hall and after making eye contact i knew something was wrong. Instantly I asked what I could do. I knew those eyes, that look, that posture of scanning the room.
I alerted the right people of the situation, and ran like crazy to the right location. praying for her. praying for the camper.
As I was running, I realized that this would be the day out of any day of summer that Satan would try and break us down in some way. So I prayed for protection and strength and courage to face failure and rejection and in return-love.
While in the room it was tough as a human being and nurse to know what to do I just held her hand and talked to her while she was battling her own demons the paramedics came and took information left and a few went to the hospital as they alwways do while the rest of us try to regroup and recover. that was that-the morning went on-just like that.
It is always weird to keep on going after something that traumatic happens because sometimes all one can do is sit and breath. sit. breathe.


One way that I sit and breathe is through worship of my Creator, God. One of my favorite and richest forms of worship is through music. Being at camp it is so easy to take part in worship through music-every morning and evening.
Specifically this morning, I was looking forward to siting and breathing. I felt as if I needed it more than anything in the world. So when the staff devotional walked throughout the dining hall in a shadow of a person, my inner being waiting to just fall into the arms of my Creator to sustain me, restore me, to just hold me. As I walked through the dining hall, I saw tears rolling down people's faces, emotions brimming over, staff members being pushed to the breaking point.
today of all days, Satan will try and attack.
"Fuck you Satan," is what my brain said. So I pray for her. For her family. the ones affected. i p r a y.


I walk down the steps to the ampitheatre for the first and last set of worship outside with a dear friend, coffee in hand, feeling my soul starting to brim over.
Then I see the girls carrying their friend, and my heart sinks. I cannot worship today. my hopes of finding peace today have been dashed. I was going to ice an ankle instead of sing.

Something changes though...a seed of hope is planted in my head. a rope is thrown to me from my Creator.
I heard the feelings and wrapping of arms around me, stepping onto the deck with the girls. Said the most easily, God reminded me that I was here for the campers, not myself-first and foremost. He reminded me that I did not need to be in worship through music, to worship him. God reminded me that even though I am not able to sit and breathe, He will still strengthen me.
H E W I L L S T R E N G T H E N M E. and I believe it this time.

"That's okay with me," I reminisce to myself as I smile at the girls and ask, "What seems to be the problem ladies?"

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and let all that's within me shout out..."
After a day of celebrating my father and our unique friendship, i came home and cried out to G O D in anger. Even in the most sacred of moments, it seems my selfish heart could not be thankful for what I had...
Desire is an interesting thing.
I am reading this book about how our superficial desires of the heart and flesh are only representations of our deeper desires for no sin.
For whole hearts.
For G O D.

Driving home-I was honest.
Laying upon the dock-I was honest.
Dreaming and creating with people-I am honest.

welcome to the dream team.

"This is my prayer in the desert
and all that's within me feels dry..."
I sang this song this morning in the Redwoods amongst young souls and Romantics-thankful for that.
Abruptly when I sang this line, I knew that it was not this way for myself-maybe even the antitheses.

The picture that was in my head was a canvas with a saturation of colors on it, and swirling around it while it was levitating above in the air, and i was painting it all.
I do not feel dry at all, but overwhelmed by all of these bright and fantastical colors. so vivid and real-such an answer to prayer.
Overwhelming, but an answer nonetheless.

I have been realizing how much has changed since I graduated from high school.
I come upon finishing my undergraduate in nine months time. insane.

Summer 2009

 Christmas 2011

Just looking at the difference-I just look more tired. bahah!

LENT

Wel, look where I have come. in the midst of my second semester of sophomore year, articulating my thoughts via blog-world, while i should be studying for a test I have in two hours. ha!
I guess I will start then.

This week, my whole nursing experience has been about death. It was a great kick-off to a monday morning for two hours; the lecture was about grieving. It made me think a lot about my mother and how I grieved for her life. I grieved for her childhood, for her first miscarriage of a marrigae, and then for her lack of existence amonst my life. Knowing that she died, choosing her own death puts a bullet through my chest. An exercise was given to us in class: we talked about an expereince where we grieved, and what it felt like, if we could change anything. Lamenting that if I knew what was going to happen to my mother, i would have told her to stop for us. i would have told her that she was selfish, and that i thought she was worthy of God's love...and my love. As I dwell more and more upon the manifestations of her demons, I see more and more of their destruction and their effects on her interactions with people. I also see the same demons in my own life...which terrifies me. She had once known God's love; and it made her beautiful. I remember looking at pictures of us as a family, and you could see the life and hope in her eyes when she was sober. Trying not to be cliche, but she was a, "beautiful disaster." She could see God's love and how real it was, but she could not let herself succumb to it. She was strong enough to see beyond the past, yet she was too scared to let herself fall away and be reborn into something awfully beautiful.
So I guess when i greive, i see all of what could be. All of what was. and all of what is; what is left over; what is yet to be.
this post was for yesterday, the 9th of March.
the aftermath: we were the lucky ones.

Many parts, one body.

When is it that we stop caring about each other?
Where in a relationship does fracture occur?
Why is so easy to let anger steep, but so hard to let off?
When does something become so daunting that we retreat in fear to the familiar?

Does not God tell us to be courageous in our fear for he is our strength...I want courage. Oh God, do I want courage. My heart screams for courage for others. I yearn for this celestial courage. courage. courage. courage.
to love.

Questions. I need answers. that is all that I have been desiring lately.
I just want questions answered. They infest my mind like roaches.
My mind is fogged to the point of no return.
It is to the point where I can think of nothing else; just foggy roaches.

I pray for rest. and contentment. and perseverance.

inspiration

Eyes scanning the room, looking for an escape route.
This is too much.
i thought i could swim faster harder longer than this. I look down and notice the floatation device between my legs. just goes to show you how disconnected i am to it all.
The room plays close to the record, almost never skips a beat. and here we are being secretive and lovely.
i feel sick to my stomach.

i pray for something that will come and save me. I pray for another savior. I pray for my demise, and your grandeur.
[I do not think i can be nice anymore.
I cannot stand by and take each blow with decency.
I am not that kid, never been.
You can take the kid out of the fight, but the fight's still here baby.]

dreams.

So many dreams last night. All of them, almost all of them, took place in Newberg Oregon.
Which is so different because I usually do not dream about new places until they feel like home.
home...
I am in Newberg Oregon and i am home. I do not know yet if the magic of it has faded or what, but while I was home this summer I found this overwhelming amazement and joy about where I had lived for the past 18 years of my life. Milpitas California is beautiful, nestled violently and obliviously in the crook of the calaveras hills' bust.

So I am in Newberg finally.
It is weird though, just becasue I am not used to how everthing just falls right back into place. It is strange strange strange how it is so easy for everything to fall back into place. I am not sure how i feel about that all yet.
My days have been fun nonetheless though! I have really enjoyed seeing old faces.
Things are different, things are the same.

hmmm...what am i thinking?
I am so excited about school, but i will miss home much more than I had ever expected.
i will miss this town terribly.

What has been happening lately...
I worked my last day of work on saturday, I will miss them until I go back during the holidays.
i am gaining weight, which says something about my lifestyle...I am finally calming down and not frantic about.
Today I got to sit and listen to an old friend of mine talk, whom I will always cherish.
Lately i have been really happy. not just something fleeting, but truly happy.
Today I laughed the hardest I have all summer, the kind where your back hurts and you cannot steer correctly anymore from the tears streaming down your face.
Saturday i leave for George Fox University. i have a big knot in my stomach.
Most of all, I will miss my family horribly. They have sort of become my best friends over the season. My love to you boy who sleeps feet away from me.

Check this guy out, the name of his band's name is Passenger. pretty British. British=amazing.

A lazy boy

it is the end of July and I am horribly sick like i have been standing outside in the rain for the past twelve hours...baha! I went and "volunteered" up at a summer camp for two straight days; in reality I just sat and lounged around the pool for two days working on my tan and fattening up on great camp food. I am pretty sure that I got this sickness from/for two reasons:
1.i have been running non-stop this summer. I have been busy ever since and before I got this job at the theatres. it has been fun, but not a lot of rest and sleep has come due to it...so when I went up to camp, I am pretty sure that a sickness was just waiting to sneak up on me. I have heard that somtimes when you are super busy for a long time, and then slow down, your immune system slows down a bit and lets down it's defenses. No idea how scientific that is, no qoutes please.
2. I was living with eight other guys during this stay and one of them was quite ill, while two other boys were either getting over sickness or surrendering to it's grip.
Other than this sickness, i am doing very well.

I have realized something.
I am very weary of saying that I am good, when I actually am doing very well. I always feel as if, whenver I am good, the slightest movement will trigger a landslide of pin drops that will be my defeat. I feel that most times I am not allowed to feel alright becasue others elsewhere are having bad ones. I thikn that if I admit I am having really good days, God will just take them away.
I have things to definately be thankful for, but I think I have forgotten how to be joyful for them. Is it a sin to be scared of a reality that I am not used to?

thankyou.

sun encapturing hill

Against these hills, I feel so small.

I feel so damn small next to these brilliantly beautiful hills.

and I like that.

catdog

It is a beautifully overcast morning.
it is so bittersweet to sit here and know that I cannot soak it up all day...it will leave soon, and my day must begin. alas, it is still the most curiously entrapping thing I have experienced in a while.

I have this dog named princess, and I find her the most annoying thing ever. She can not decide if she likes me or not. She never seems to recognize me because she is probably slightly senile. She snarls all the time and barks non-stop for no apparent reason except to be my downfall. She does not listen to me either. Then at night when she wants to sleep, she curls up underneath my desk and just rests peacefully. She is crazy, but adorable at the same time. a kind of endearing craziness.
Galen always gives me a hard time about treating her well because she is scared of me.

As I was brooding on my bed one night about how annoying she was, I let myself reign in on my feelings and get to the root of what really annoyed me. I thought about it for a little while and let my mind wander...
I realized that I was looking at a mirror image of my soul's spiritual journey, as I gazed into this little rodent's beady black eyes; she was fearfully curled up underneath my desk staring at my every move. Everyday my attention-starved soul screams and yells for love and craves some deep connection with anything at arm's length. I never listen to the Holy Spirit's calling, and my faith is forever doubtful of what God holds dearly in my future. Always though, when I sense damage from others or fear the unknown, I crawl up into our Father's hands: I hide in a familiar known.

I was dumbstruck by the likeness of my brain to this mutt...i offended myself, i honestly had. I was awestruck.
I guess I should try and change huh? Do they have human pounds in heaven? like catdog pounds, but for humans?

i could not help it!

summer thus far

I am loving summer with all my might.
Ifellcontent today!

For the past two weeks, I have been working at the theatres, and tomorrow I start my new job at Tilly's (clothing store). I am a little apprehensive about two jobs, but I think I can do it. I have been loving working at the movie theatres, which is the exact opposite of me usually, but i really enjoy it. I like the people I work with, I enjoy the crazy customers, I like how fast it all can be sometimes...how concentrated I can get...making lists in my head of what needs to get done...and what not. I love it!

Hmmm, ysterday I went into the ocean..only waded, but still this is the first time in three years. she was mighty and feirce. The wind was coming quick as well, but we did get a fire going which was nice and toasty. I enjoyed my time with the people I went with also...they made my day off good.
I do not know if i am going to the beach again this summer...or at least into her waters.

I finished harry potter again, and started EAT PRAY LOVE...which is so nice. It is all about this woman's journey towards peace and life. It is a lot like million little pieces, except that this woman has more of a head on her shoulders and weaves her wisdom and knowledge throughout her free flow. it is amazing actually. I have wanted to underline almost every other word. ha!

Lets see....I am going to see wicked in August with my brother Galen, and we are both super excited about that!
I am leaving both jobs on August 18th, the same day as my next dentist appointment.
Then I am pretty sure i leave the bay for the north again for the winter on the 21st of August. I am leaving early becasue i want to start looking for a job that I can work for the year, earlier than the first week of school. See i have planned it out because if i start then...i will be in the throws of my online biochemistry course's final...and the first week of school! So I decided to go a week early for school and stay with an assortment of people I have yet to call. BUT, I know for sure that i will be making money that week because I am working my work study job from last year this upcoming year as well. I guess for my next job, I am shooting for something I can work on the weekends and maybe weekday evenings...no idea, but something that will also give me time to study. I know I am picky, but sometimes we can be, right?

whoever reads this, let me know how you are!

known unknown

God I ask for your healing touch.
I pray for the ones that do not want love.
Lord I ask that you give me words...strength...to love them within the borders safe.

Today,
I miss spending time with him.

searching.

I missed a lot of things today.
the sunrise.
camp.
my mate.
my friend.
being in love.
enjoying a day full of nothing.
the weather up north.
the north.

I realized a lot of things today too.
i am stronger than i think.
when you take out your heart of the equation, things seem to make a lot more sense.
when you take out your heart, sometimes life can be lonely.
God is righteous, eternal, divine.
I am where i am supposed to be, even if it feels foreign.

alas! today was a foggy day.
the search must continue though.

new things

So I am working now! I work at the local movie theatres as of monday! It is a pretty easy job actually, it reminds me a lot of camp hammer. The only differences are the people that I work with and the nature of the food that is being reheated...baha! I worked with this kid from fremont last night, and he helped me clean one of the poppers. those things get gross real quick!
I think i might have the oppurtunity to be a light for these kids I am working with...they are funny nonetheless though. Last night I was overtly educated how to roll a fattie properly! good things to know, who knows when I will be in a dire situation to have to know that?

The only scary thing about this job is how much i be working! I am kind of niave when it comes to working 8 hours per shift becuase i was super lucky and blessed by the jobs that i have worked before this. Starbucks scedule was so flexible, it's not even funny. My internship was only 10 hours a week, and they were flexible as well. I loved Camp Hammer because i just got to hang out with friends all day. I guess my body just needs to get used to the thrashing of standing for eight or more hours a day, and my mind needs to start procrastinating school work! I am enslaved until otherwise noted.

Being home this summer, I have a checklist of things to do:
1. Get an A in Biochem.
2.Understand meaning of family, in regards to them and then secondly what it means to me.
3.Read Romans; glean from it.
4. Work my ass off.
5.Work my ass out.
6. Hang out with my dad more. Do things for him. lovehim.

hope.

i have been reading through Romans all summer.
it has been mind-bending thinking through each passage.
i have come to the conclusion that right now...right here...is where God wants me.
I am learning and applying so much.

Romans 15
^1-2 Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, "How can I help?"
^3-6That's exactly what Jesus did. He didn't make it easy for himself by avoiding people's troubles, but waded right in and helped out. "I took on the troubles of the troubled," is the way Scripture puts it. Even if it was written in Scripture long ago, you can be sure it's written for us. God wants the combination of his steady, constant calling and warm, personal counsel in Scripture to come to characterize us, keeping us alert for whatever he will do next. May our dependably steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all. Then we'll be a choir—not our voices only, but our very lives singing in harmony in a stunning anthem to the God and Father of our Master Jesus!