A thought crossed my mind while I was sitting and wading through my euphoria-if people whom find freedom are free...what will they ever deal with again?
Really, my question was-will I ever deal with anything again? What else is there to traverse through? I must be bulletproof. I was thinking about all of this during the announcements, and I had the faintest tingling in my stomach. I must be bulletproof. untouchable.
push comes to shove-So the pastor started to say words, and I listened to him.
and I b r o k e.
He questioned what we are still filing our lives with, rather than God. what we still were? Ha, Someone did not get the memo this Sunday did they Mr. Pastor-Man!
Hmm, maybe God forgot to mention to him that I just won the race.
It hit me like Backdraft. the word still was pivotal-it was in the present form. H E R E and N O W
Did I really believe that I was going to be my own Savior for the rest of my life?
Gag me, I felt so dumb!
What was I still a slave to? What am I still putting stock in to feel worthy enough?
-my, "need," to be in a relationship.
-my image (body, clothing, reputation)
-every insecurity out there (table for one, please!)
I guess something I had not considered was this:
"Shoot. Well you wrote about freedom. Sometimes I feel like I do have it and other times not."
A friend said that to me the other day, and it makes me wonder if freedom is specific to only situations or can you find it in all areas of your life? Did i really find freedom? I think it HAS to be situationally specific. Just because I let something huge go that I felt like had, and in fact did, consume me for years, does not mean that everything else will be taken care of.
I picture it like this: Our personal demons can be like tumors-they can get so giant in our souls. They can and will take over what we have left of our souls if we do not deal with those demons. It will consume us if not taken care of. Say though, that we finally have enough courage and bravery and motivation to deal with that tumor. We cut ourselves open, and take a look inside. We are surprised to find that the tumor is bigger than we thought-it has been supported by blood vessels which bring back and forth blood to and from our hearts. When you stop and marvel at it, all one can see is just one big pulsating mass, with little tendons of vessel keeping it in place. It almost looks as if it is a heart. So we go to work on it. It takes days, weeks, months, maybe even years, but at last. LONG LAST, we are done! We are free!!! When we look to see the work that has been done inside our inmost beings, we see a clean hole where the tumor once was; glorious day.
But wait! Although the tumor is gone, the blood vessels are still there, and ready to attach pass life to the next tumor.
One thing that i missed was that my one big tumor had so many blood vessels giving it life and feeding into it that I did not realize multifaceted slavery I was producing and taking hand in.
I think you have to be ready to FULLY let go of whatever you are holding, and let God do the rest. What is the harm though?
Lesson # 1.
Only because you find freedom in one major area of your life, does not mean that your life will be perfect in other ones. welcome.
Lesson # 2.
Do not watch Pixar's Brave when you are exhausted. That shit'll make you cry for no reason whatsoever.
and this.
goodness. write a book already.
ReplyDelete