.coming home.

    I remember more than a year ago making a piece of multi-media art that touched on the subject of coming home. At the time, I had made a roundabout of life, disowning myself from my family, to coming back, refusing to be loved by them, and finally making my way back to nestling in their arms of open grace and love. The piece particularly used the examples of elephants growing up and leaving their herds and then by the time they are adults will come back to the herd and die with them. I wrote the lines, "Although they leave, they know where home is, they will come back, they always do."
I felt as I ended my summer last summer, I was ready to come. back. home. I felt like the prodigal son even. Before I left home, i burned bridges right and left disregarding people's feelings. i came back broken and needing love, I needed to show them that I could love.
T R U S T.
I needed to make sure that I could trust them, and more importantly that they could trust me not to leave again in such a fuss. I think in the same way that elephants come back, they needed to see the change in me that I was here for keeps-I was going to die with them.

It has been more than a year now that I made that piece of art.
It has been more than a year that I have come home.

Yesterday was a hard day-a lot of saying certain goodbyes amongst a lot of uncertainty.
I said a final goodbye to the summer staff 2012 of camp, and it was difficult because it signified a new beginning of individual, if that makes sense- I will always feel connected to these beautiful people, but we will never be all together again in the same place, save heaven.
The uncertainty stemmed from freshly wading through old feelings of bitterness and heartbreak with a new friend.
I was thinking about how embittering those feelings of self-hate and rejection were when I felt them in past years...nauseatingly, I remember them. They were some of my darkest days if I am telling the truth.
 F R E E D O M  I N  C H R I S T (through the forest)-this saved me from my self-hate and rejection.

I know this sounds quite cliche, but it has been through God that I have found freedom from myself.
It has been through Jesus Christ that I am not a slave to my faults and misgivings.
It is because of Him that I come home, say goodbye, and write in this dumbass blog. I have found words again because of our relationship.


The one thing that I can say for certain is this: H O L D  O N, my friend. hold fast to hope. There will be rest one day, and when it comes it will be rich. it is rich. Keep on pressing on towards Christ and do not forget to love yourself because what He made is G O O D. Remember to live by the Spirit, like it says in Galatians-love fully, be joyful, find peace, be patient, be kind, do good, scream for F A I T H F U L L N E S S, live life with a gentle spirit, and have self-control. We were called to be F R E E. Sofuckingdoit. 

until next time, enjoy my socks as much as I do.