Many parts, one body.

When is it that we stop caring about each other?
Where in a relationship does fracture occur?
Why is so easy to let anger steep, but so hard to let off?
When does something become so daunting that we retreat in fear to the familiar?

Does not God tell us to be courageous in our fear for he is our strength...I want courage. Oh God, do I want courage. My heart screams for courage for others. I yearn for this celestial courage. courage. courage. courage.
to love.

Questions. I need answers. that is all that I have been desiring lately.
I just want questions answered. They infest my mind like roaches.
My mind is fogged to the point of no return.
It is to the point where I can think of nothing else; just foggy roaches.

I pray for rest. and contentment. and perseverance.

inspiration

Eyes scanning the room, looking for an escape route.
This is too much.
i thought i could swim faster harder longer than this. I look down and notice the floatation device between my legs. just goes to show you how disconnected i am to it all.
The room plays close to the record, almost never skips a beat. and here we are being secretive and lovely.
i feel sick to my stomach.

i pray for something that will come and save me. I pray for another savior. I pray for my demise, and your grandeur.
[I do not think i can be nice anymore.
I cannot stand by and take each blow with decency.
I am not that kid, never been.
You can take the kid out of the fight, but the fight's still here baby.]

dreams.

So many dreams last night. All of them, almost all of them, took place in Newberg Oregon.
Which is so different because I usually do not dream about new places until they feel like home.
home...
I am in Newberg Oregon and i am home. I do not know yet if the magic of it has faded or what, but while I was home this summer I found this overwhelming amazement and joy about where I had lived for the past 18 years of my life. Milpitas California is beautiful, nestled violently and obliviously in the crook of the calaveras hills' bust.

So I am in Newberg finally.
It is weird though, just becasue I am not used to how everthing just falls right back into place. It is strange strange strange how it is so easy for everything to fall back into place. I am not sure how i feel about that all yet.
My days have been fun nonetheless though! I have really enjoyed seeing old faces.
Things are different, things are the same.

hmmm...what am i thinking?
I am so excited about school, but i will miss home much more than I had ever expected.
i will miss this town terribly.

What has been happening lately...
I worked my last day of work on saturday, I will miss them until I go back during the holidays.
i am gaining weight, which says something about my lifestyle...I am finally calming down and not frantic about.
Today I got to sit and listen to an old friend of mine talk, whom I will always cherish.
Lately i have been really happy. not just something fleeting, but truly happy.
Today I laughed the hardest I have all summer, the kind where your back hurts and you cannot steer correctly anymore from the tears streaming down your face.
Saturday i leave for George Fox University. i have a big knot in my stomach.
Most of all, I will miss my family horribly. They have sort of become my best friends over the season. My love to you boy who sleeps feet away from me.

Check this guy out, the name of his band's name is Passenger. pretty British. British=amazing.

A lazy boy

it is the end of July and I am horribly sick like i have been standing outside in the rain for the past twelve hours...baha! I went and "volunteered" up at a summer camp for two straight days; in reality I just sat and lounged around the pool for two days working on my tan and fattening up on great camp food. I am pretty sure that I got this sickness from/for two reasons:
1.i have been running non-stop this summer. I have been busy ever since and before I got this job at the theatres. it has been fun, but not a lot of rest and sleep has come due to it...so when I went up to camp, I am pretty sure that a sickness was just waiting to sneak up on me. I have heard that somtimes when you are super busy for a long time, and then slow down, your immune system slows down a bit and lets down it's defenses. No idea how scientific that is, no qoutes please.
2. I was living with eight other guys during this stay and one of them was quite ill, while two other boys were either getting over sickness or surrendering to it's grip.
Other than this sickness, i am doing very well.

I have realized something.
I am very weary of saying that I am good, when I actually am doing very well. I always feel as if, whenver I am good, the slightest movement will trigger a landslide of pin drops that will be my defeat. I feel that most times I am not allowed to feel alright becasue others elsewhere are having bad ones. I thikn that if I admit I am having really good days, God will just take them away.
I have things to definately be thankful for, but I think I have forgotten how to be joyful for them. Is it a sin to be scared of a reality that I am not used to?

thankyou.

sun encapturing hill

Against these hills, I feel so small.

I feel so damn small next to these brilliantly beautiful hills.

and I like that.

catdog

It is a beautifully overcast morning.
it is so bittersweet to sit here and know that I cannot soak it up all day...it will leave soon, and my day must begin. alas, it is still the most curiously entrapping thing I have experienced in a while.

I have this dog named princess, and I find her the most annoying thing ever. She can not decide if she likes me or not. She never seems to recognize me because she is probably slightly senile. She snarls all the time and barks non-stop for no apparent reason except to be my downfall. She does not listen to me either. Then at night when she wants to sleep, she curls up underneath my desk and just rests peacefully. She is crazy, but adorable at the same time. a kind of endearing craziness.
Galen always gives me a hard time about treating her well because she is scared of me.

As I was brooding on my bed one night about how annoying she was, I let myself reign in on my feelings and get to the root of what really annoyed me. I thought about it for a little while and let my mind wander...
I realized that I was looking at a mirror image of my soul's spiritual journey, as I gazed into this little rodent's beady black eyes; she was fearfully curled up underneath my desk staring at my every move. Everyday my attention-starved soul screams and yells for love and craves some deep connection with anything at arm's length. I never listen to the Holy Spirit's calling, and my faith is forever doubtful of what God holds dearly in my future. Always though, when I sense damage from others or fear the unknown, I crawl up into our Father's hands: I hide in a familiar known.

I was dumbstruck by the likeness of my brain to this mutt...i offended myself, i honestly had. I was awestruck.
I guess I should try and change huh? Do they have human pounds in heaven? like catdog pounds, but for humans?

i could not help it!