too bright. too warm. too much.
get back, drag me out now. get me out of here.
i cannot take much more of this.
I sit here, the life here has left,
breathed into another life.
a life better than mine, a life more deserving than mine.
where did i go wrong?
i gave too much. i put too much in.
i cannot look you in the eyes anymore.
distant. somewherenorth. somewhere high.
my wings yearn for the wind to pick me up.
the air is too thick for take off,
the fog settling nicely.right.in.my.way.
my eyes glaze over trying to search for the good.
how to be good again? where to begin again?
my eyes fall, downcast, closing them, my guide to light.
starting over. wouldn't that be nice!
oh how i wish.
hello, my name is...
nice to meet you...
nonchalantly.
never to talk again.
my arms cannot find strength to pick myself up.
my legs are tired from treading.
my heart pumps slow, unsteadily, finicky.
waiting for something. anything. everything.
i start to drown again.
my eyes open searching for the meaning of life.
this time, the water is more viscous, more violent, just more.
pick me up. drag me out. get me out of here.
17.10.09
16.10.09
people exist.
lately, i have been thinking a lot about people.
how much they mean.
how important EVERYONE is!
we all have stories, we all need to be heard, we all need to reciprocate love in whatever form we can.
i sit here. sleep evades with all chance of feeling rested tomorrow, today.
i have too many thoughts inside.
let me speak them.
one of the things that is hard for me is that i overextend myself.
i want to be everyone's person...ba.ha!
i am a sad excuse for the silohuette of what i wish for.
i feel like God gives me a lot of strength though to strive to be that.
i find the most beauty for people when i am:
tired.gone away.fragile. i see most when it is not through my eyes, but through God's.
when i am hurt, for i feel that is when i can most understand people.
loaded gun, aim, shoot.
it hurts to see people that vulnerable all the time.
i find myself pouring into them, where to stop?
when does it become hurtful and unpleasant...is this what real love is? so much that it hurts....
a lot of thoughts.
berggirl, you are beautiful and lovely. you are worthy of those words. knowlove.seekpeace.
edgarallenpoe.
how much they mean.
how important EVERYONE is!
we all have stories, we all need to be heard, we all need to reciprocate love in whatever form we can.
i sit here. sleep evades with all chance of feeling rested tomorrow, today.
i have too many thoughts inside.
let me speak them.
one of the things that is hard for me is that i overextend myself.
i want to be everyone's person...ba.ha!
i am a sad excuse for the silohuette of what i wish for.
i feel like God gives me a lot of strength though to strive to be that.
i find the most beauty for people when i am:
tired.gone away.fragile. i see most when it is not through my eyes, but through God's.
when i am hurt, for i feel that is when i can most understand people.
loaded gun, aim, shoot.
it hurts to see people that vulnerable all the time.
i find myself pouring into them, where to stop?
when does it become hurtful and unpleasant...is this what real love is? so much that it hurts....
a lot of thoughts.
berggirl, you are beautiful and lovely. you are worthy of those words. knowlove.seekpeace.
edgarallenpoe.
15.10.09
this week;
my voice is not strong enough to convey the emotion, the love, the respect, the amazingness of this week...
i wish i could.
kcjniurtwgjbvaklvgifaerbvbk...there.
there, now you know.
today, i wrote a few things down:
1.words have so much meaning.
2.God is amazing.
3.everyday, not just today, has so much potential. make it.
i wish i could.
kcjniurtwgjbvaklvgifaerbvbk...there.
there, now you know.
today, i wrote a few things down:
1.words have so much meaning.
2.God is amazing.
3.everyday, not just today, has so much potential. make it.
let it be.free.
[i want to be free. i want to fly free of my insecurities.]
I want to walk alongside you. i want to walk free of your hand though.
we can walk together.BUT i want to be okay with you leaving.
i want to be able to stand alone and be okay.
hmmm.
[Iamstorng.Iamvulnerble.Iamloved.]
as are you.
I want to walk alongside you. i want to walk free of your hand though.
we can walk together.BUT i want to be okay with you leaving.
i want to be able to stand alone and be okay.
hmmm.
[Iamstorng.Iamvulnerble.Iamloved.]
as are you.
12.10.09
into the dark.
so many thoughts. ugh. lovely thoughts.
hard feelings. good vibes.
walk walk. in step. heart and head. keep the pace, hurry up now, never lose it.do not lose this.
eyes beaming. heart overwhelmed, brimming over.
fingers and toes, frigid. head and heart warming, comforting.
i can see through the fog, looking out across the vast sea now.
what have i stumbled upon?
from where do i begin? how to explain?
the water, churning and splashing playfully.
my calves saturated through to the bone.
i look towards the horizon,
trying to memorize the vibrant colors.
the dark of night blending into the colorful sun's grasp.
i try to memorize what this juxtaposition feels like.
i am not blessed with this, everyday, never-day.
God, this is beautifully captivating.
the sun creeps away,
our day has yet again come to an end.
so much to process. contemplate.
i am already forgetting what the day looked like.
come back to me. "come back!" i cry.
my eyes dart back and forth between the present and past.
as i look towards the horizon for recognizable familiarities,
all i receive is wishful thinking.
things i once knew myself, but have forgotten.
"give me back!" i yell.
i scream for what i feel,
for what i cannot see,
for the unknown.
.fear sets in.
the tide begins to rise,
all i seem to know is that i should walk. move. keep going.
you lead. i follow.
the waves crash harder against my thighs.
i no longer know if my feet are moving,
or if i am floating towards the foreshadowed hue of nothingness.
my chest heaves. tears stain. my mouth gurgles sea water.
i fear, for the depth can be so daunting.
how long can my gills breathe?
how much pressure can i take?
as my eyes search, straining for something to hold onto,
my feet catch, everything swoons.
although the crystal clear surface of the water is gone,
although my vision blurs,
my heart jumps for joy. my head knows better.
has my brokenness not taught me more?
the sea spins me.
the waves surround.
the current flows, inconsistent to my needs, regardless of what i want.
you lead. i follow.
i swoon to the rhythm of this beautiful dance. my heart brims.
although i cannot see into the abyss,
even fathom its vastness,
i know that this is hard.good.beautiful.right.complex.glorious.
as my sea legs begin to find motion,
i find i love the water. i love the way it makes me feel.
confident. seaworthy. loved. present. i am supposed to be here. i feel.
i feel, and once again i know that i am human.
i know that i can find beauty once more, in another form.
can i get used to this?
how long can i play this game? how many innings am i worthy of?
God.
what.the.fuck.
you know me. i hate how good you are to me.
i hate that you have given me this end. i hate that once again i am me.
i love that once again, i can rest in your arms.
once again, i am not strong enough. i need your rest.
i find a home.
iamhome.
sleep invades.
these exhausted eyelids have not seen rest in quite a moon.
hard feelings. good vibes.
walk walk. in step. heart and head. keep the pace, hurry up now, never lose it.do not lose this.
eyes beaming. heart overwhelmed, brimming over.
fingers and toes, frigid. head and heart warming, comforting.
i can see through the fog, looking out across the vast sea now.
what have i stumbled upon?
from where do i begin? how to explain?
the water, churning and splashing playfully.
my calves saturated through to the bone.
i look towards the horizon,
trying to memorize the vibrant colors.
the dark of night blending into the colorful sun's grasp.
i try to memorize what this juxtaposition feels like.
i am not blessed with this, everyday, never-day.
God, this is beautifully captivating.
the sun creeps away,
our day has yet again come to an end.
so much to process. contemplate.
i am already forgetting what the day looked like.
come back to me. "come back!" i cry.
my eyes dart back and forth between the present and past.
as i look towards the horizon for recognizable familiarities,
all i receive is wishful thinking.
things i once knew myself, but have forgotten.
"give me back!" i yell.
i scream for what i feel,
for what i cannot see,
for the unknown.
.fear sets in.
the tide begins to rise,
all i seem to know is that i should walk. move. keep going.
you lead. i follow.
the waves crash harder against my thighs.
i no longer know if my feet are moving,
or if i am floating towards the foreshadowed hue of nothingness.
my chest heaves. tears stain. my mouth gurgles sea water.
i fear, for the depth can be so daunting.
how long can my gills breathe?
how much pressure can i take?
as my eyes search, straining for something to hold onto,
my feet catch, everything swoons.
although the crystal clear surface of the water is gone,
although my vision blurs,
my heart jumps for joy. my head knows better.
has my brokenness not taught me more?
the sea spins me.
the waves surround.
the current flows, inconsistent to my needs, regardless of what i want.
you lead. i follow.
i swoon to the rhythm of this beautiful dance. my heart brims.
although i cannot see into the abyss,
even fathom its vastness,
i know that this is hard.good.beautiful.right.complex.glorious.
as my sea legs begin to find motion,
i find i love the water. i love the way it makes me feel.
confident. seaworthy. loved. present. i am supposed to be here. i feel.
i feel, and once again i know that i am human.
i know that i can find beauty once more, in another form.
can i get used to this?
how long can i play this game? how many innings am i worthy of?
God.
what.the.fuck.
you know me. i hate how good you are to me.
i hate that you have given me this end. i hate that once again i am me.
i love that once again, i can rest in your arms.
once again, i am not strong enough. i need your rest.
i find a home.
iamhome.
sleep invades.
these exhausted eyelids have not seen rest in quite a moon.
10.10.09
9.10.09
Wednesday, was so hard. exhausting. empowering. i could not handle it all.Nonetheless i had coffee with a dearfriend, or whatever.
oh, how i wish for light.
oh, i wish to be held by you God.
i have no idea where I am. should be. how to be.
it's hard, but i cannot think of anywhere i would rather be.
i need to find you again, in whatever that looks like. maybe something new.
oh bloggy, you are too bittersweet.
"4.This is what the Lord says to me:
'As a lion growls,
a great lion over his prey-
and though a whole band of shepherds is called together against him,
he is not frightened by their shouts or disturbed by their clamour-
so the Lord Almighty will come down to do battle on Mount Zion and on its heights.'" isiah 31:4
i feel like that:
wherever i am at
whoever i become
whatever i think-
God will protect my heart, if i allow myself to be.
i think the trick is to find out how to do the deuce. donotletmebeasheep!
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