amazing day.

i sit. i breathe hard, i exhale barely. you have caught my breathe yet again.

short walk under clear skies. fingers cold amongst the empty hands.
breathe in. breathe out, you can do this.
warm concrete bricks. good music. better voices.
to be happens. dancing bodies, eyes reading for knowing.
secrets worn on others sleeves.
caution. step back: too much. too much.

sleep comes finally, alone once again.
pictures fly in and out of view. unseen light hits the inside of my eyelids.
one picture plays over and over: groves of existentialism. late night giggles.
let me be, stop torturing my heart.
is this life not funny?
the heart wants what it can never have.
we play this game with ourselves: this game of "what if". we play ourselves into heartbreak.
we build ourselves up on these romantic ideas of love. these things that would NEVER be.
not that society should not let it happen,
butthattheywouldneverbethatperson.
letmewakeup.

is it bad to live one day in a lie?
i loved yesterday. it was a really really nice day.
you were my lie...

hello.

how do i say things to you?
why do i want to?
i want you to realize what you mean. i wish i could make sense of you.
I want to know why you have taken my heart. you refuse to acknowledge it and me.
what is wrong with you? what is wrong with me to make you so relevant?
youscareme.

give me back. or
let me see you.

an inconsistency in definition.

reality.

you think you understand. but you do not.
you never quite fully grasp anything.
you try to find tangibility. you try to hold on.

grey area. thick fog. hmmm.

so much in this society today, we try to define define define.
i do.
it seems to make things easier. it seems to bring peace from this chaos.
i find that i like punctuation because it give me definition. it gives me a border, a perimeter that i need to stay in.
a need to color inside the lines.
sometimes though, our ideals are not inside those lines, borderless.
sometimes...our hearts are outside those boxes.

what happens then? where do we go from there?

all i know and understand is that i hate the black and white.
i do not know if i could ever go back to that..is that even possible?
can people lie that well to themselves? this is real life...?

it's fucking terrifying to be there. to be here.
should i go back?
never

love.

i am learning that love is messy.
it's never what we want.expect.understand.
i wonder if God has a part in this whole love thing, more than we understand.
i think that once i accept God's love and His grace, then maybe....
maybe we can finally learn how to love each other.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 1john 4: 7-12

oh hello.

thanks for listening.

hrtbrk.

happy 4th of October world.
facing one's own faults is quite hard.

i realize that i am not the best at life.
sometimes, we all make horrible decisions. sometimes, our choices ruin other lives.
is that not the scariest and most responsible thing you have ever heard?
we have weight.
our own decisions can "make or break" someone's day...theirchoices.theirimpact.
we all are significant to someone and hold weight.
so much truth.

iamsorry.i never meant to make you feel that way.
i feel i deserve an apology though...
youwillnot.

i feel like we are a very prideful people.
what would it look like, if we all just apologized to everyone we know, for everything we did wrong on them? what about the things we had no idea about...would we let those that hurt us know? would they even be sorry if they apologized?

longhairgirl.
iwishsomanythings.
letmeknow...
whenicanforgivemyself.

walk.walk.walk. silence swallows. overwhelms. heart swells
pace ourselves. even in step. tears fall. anger rises. windwindwind
light 'em up. burning sticks. sweep me away into yor arms of love.
too bright, for this dark dark night. let me know that i am whole.

sometimes, when we sift, through the real shitty things.
we pass by all of these things we should grab hold of.
once in a blue moon, when we are searching for an existential happening,
we pass right by the simple things that sustain us the most.

tonight, i felt my heart beat.
i laid on the concrete sidewalk, listened to the trees talk, and knew that i was alive.
thanks again.

witches and goblins

happy October 1st.
hello October, nice to see you again.
i always change. you are so constant.
cannot wait for you to know me...

must go.

i am at a loss for words.
so many things have happened...my heart overwhelms because....know that you are loved.

i got the priviledge to lead guys through an exercise of naming ourselves, instead of being owning the names that people have placed on us...stereotypes.prejudices.hurt.broken.vulnerable. i saw guys step out of their comfort zones and be themselves.
beauty transcends. i could not help but be in awe of how doubtful i was about everything.

God. who are you to love me? God, who am i to be worthy of this?
thanks.

i have not been able to really think about this week, but i know that this..whatever this is, will be, could be....is good.