letting go.

made him cry twice. different ways each time. wish it was not like this.

I feel sometimes people should be given grace for leaving.
I wish that i did not have to leave, but how else will she listen. if she will not listen to my words, maybe my silence will have some effect.
i miss them already...i do not know if this will ever be the same.

i do not know how else to say it. idoloveyou.
will you remember that?
will you forget that?
please know that this does not displace my love for you!
how many times do i have to say it?
how many ways can i express it?
in what language is it easiest for you to understand?
i love you.

my friend at dinner tonight was living life for me. he was screaming what i was too scared to show: emotion.
he just kept on getting distracted and would every so often get lost in the conversation and just fall out of the prefect calculated steps we were all so fond to.
he would just stare out into the room, seeing the contents of his mind upon the black hole of the room, letting it suck his attention.
i wanted to so badly fall out of step and be with him. I could not bare to feel though.
it is quite hard to be alone. it feels shitty. i need to do this though...
i mean, have i not been training for this all year long?
some would say, that freedom is freeing...it never really feels that way though.

let it fly.
let me remember to fly.
iforgothowto.

41 weeks.

[The day long, all i saw were people. not a lot of alone time in any way.

I saw people that used to mean the world to me, that do not anymore.

I saw people that looked like others, that do still mean the world to me.

I saw people that I do not even know.

people are important whether you know them or not.

people walk around with beating hearts. souls. bleeding unspoken and spoken feelings.]

This one thing that I have been chipping away at: Mary and Jesus' pregnancy.

Last night I was blown away at what i have been focusing on at Christmas time...only at Christmas time: Jesus' birth. Why not focus on Mary?

Nobody ever focuses on Mary's pregnancy. just the birth of our Saviour.

What about the one that had to wait for him? the one that endured nine months of waiting...for him...for us?

Focusing so much on the birth, and not the waiting, poses an interesting view of the human psyche.

I feel that society always focuses on the end to a means, never the means to an end. the best example being Mary and Jesus...their nine month journey together.

Everyone focuses on the actual birth, not the pregnancy.

one does not exist without the other. the pregnancy cannot be valuable without this end, but the birth cannot happen without waiting first.

people forget how beautiful, yet long, nine months can be. this is the time when things are prepared for this babe that is coming. the time when the most amazing process a human is

capable of: the growth from one cell to a functioning human. the simple, but heavy, act of loving and nurturing another human more than yourself is when this happens. this time is for realizing that someone is about to be so much more important than you.

waiting is essential.for things to become, you have to wait.

for relationships to materialize and flourish, you have to work at it. years.

for people to be born. nine months must be lived.

for a butterfly to arrive, waiting. bread to rise...waiting. wounds to heal-waiting.

{time is so precious. sodamnprecious.}

So waiting is important.

so i think that Mary pregnancy is just as important as the birth.

So i need to think about this more.

enjoy this.

I am sitting here back home, in Milpitas, California, with all of the contents of my wallet strewn on top of my desk. the contents of my bags are strewn throughout my room.

I did not have to do this for each, but i think i am trying to just make sense of this new life that i am living, but this old life that i have come back to dwell in for a while.

even if you do not want to unpack your bags, fishing only for certain things, it seems to me that everything comes out with that one thing: everything is connected. the old and new. as much as you want to forget the old, it defines the new. in different shapes and forms...nonetheless, they are quite connected.

Even though you leave, it does not mean that situations will stay stagnant.

people, love, God, does not stop...things change...you change!

damn, is that not so beautiful?

questions unanswered.
no time no time.
have to keep on moving, running, masking
to keep the smile unquestionable.
the mask will not be lifted any longer.
i thought things would have changed,
but they...will never.
I am done.

13 and 17

"I see through the haze once again, for only a little bit. I am sitting here. I am so changed. God is making me into something brand new. He is building me up again...
The womb is terrifyingly new and makes me clausterphobic, but at the same time, somehow feel safe. Te walls are paper thin, but somehow hold me up. i see outside and I so want to be outside with the familiar and new, but I just need to wait and i do not want to be premature or die in labor.
waiting for labor.
waiting=pregnant.
God is my mother. God is my mother, and I am this fetus. I am just waiting to b born.
Pregnancy is so hard. It is really trying on the soul and on the ones that love me. it is qite hard for me to be there for people because i am not done processing and being nurtured.
Can I not nurture others though?
What is holding me back?
How do I nurture?
I am in God, while God is caressing his hand across the strtched taut skin, containing the fragile contents of my heart, soul, body. Speaking nuturing words through others."

"Lately...over the past week or so....I have been having these vivid dreams with _______ in them. ______ is always wearing soemthing flashy to dance in, and is always in the way of which I wish to proceed.
These interactions usually happen in the cafeteria. For some reason, I always have this accumulation of dishes and it is always a struggle to walk through the cafeteria to get to the dishroom. Always fumbling almost dropping my plates, bowls, cups. never breaking anyhting, buts close to almost everytime. i am always worried what others will think, hoping not to be found out. to know what happened with _______.
I got the feeling that _______ wanted to talk with me the whole time, but not having the courage to allow themselves. (wishful thinking).
This idea that I will spill the contents of my soul agin onto the floor, jut to get trampled on, again is always the motif.
I have been dreaming."

numbing.

"Guard your steps when you go to the house of God.
Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools,
who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God."_ecclesiastes

All i feel anymore is anger.
Nothing phases me save bitterness.
i try to warm up, but i am only cold.

i try not to say anything i do not mean to God, so i say nothing at all.

I always start out, tears brimming, heart wrenching," God...I am...."

I never finish: words never form.
all season long, words have not been completed. things have come undone, never finding enouh ground to wind themselves back together. conversations left unsaid, uncared for, love not lavished fully on to deep deep wounds. every thought left unquenched.

{People say words. my heart beats still into the silence.
feet move, trusting the ground to be there. never slipping.
lightheartedness has left , replaced by nothing.
overwhelmed by feelings unfelt. overwhelmed by untouchable possibility.
night stars turn into sun rays, eyes never adjusting to either one.
the cold. the bitter cold! the angry cold! is the only passion i know.
it feels like home to me.}

...soistayquiet...

goodness and love.

i want to be good.
good to me. good to people. good to God.
good for me. good for people. good for God.
good due to me.good due to people. good due to God.
i want to feel good. i want to illustrate good.
i yearn to seek good.
where have you gone? where did i let you fall?
come back to me.

living.

hello December.
we meet again,
you have changed this time...
you are a lot colder.
but you bring so much hope.
joy.confusion.happiness.heartbreak.
heart building. change. will. familiarity.
my heart is overwhelmed by all this.
today, i cannot find words.
but i know thatisalright. [waiting is nice too.]