here.

As I am sitting this plane above the earth, I am blessed with the sunrise once again. I have not seen it in such a long time.
{not since the semester’s beginning}
The things is, I have never seen such an amazing dawn. With this morning comes renewal. real.honest.true. renewal.
Fos so long, it has been night.so long have I clung to my covers burrowing into safe places thinking that this was the only way to survive. Masking myself, robbing the daylight of my presence.
I have realized though that I have to rise from this slumber sooner or later. Showing the world my morning face, my only proof of this long long hibernation.
I cannot sleep any longer. I was created for more.
We were created to live. To experience. To love above all else…regardless of how much love people lack.

I have also realized
that the sunlight is not “good” or “bad,” but rather “whole.” So much in society, we want to say that things are either right or wrong, bad or good, but who are we to confine the whole? I mean, are we not under the judgement of God? How is something bad, if in the long-run, we are bettered than when we started the bad? How can the one thing we have waited for our whole lives, ruin us?
So, I have decided that nothing is concretely this or that, something or nothing, but just, “whole.” Is not God our example?

Once in a while, especially on plane rides, I will realize more about the bigger picture.
So many times in our lives, we do not realize anything else except our own lives, what we can only see right in front of us. So how could we be expected to see the bigger picture?
Well once again, I saw a little more of the bigger picture. I got so see all the burrows, all the city lights…all the people. Living in Newberg, you forget how many different kinds of people there are and how many of us there are.
[gosh, there are a lot]
It makes me think about more of the areas of my life that I have neglected over the past semester.
It makes me wonder where I was when I started at Foxy, who I was, how I have changed.
It makes me contemplate why I have been placed here, what I have chosen to accept and decline.
The bigger picture. We are all apart of it. So why do we not act like it?

For the last three Novembers, I have traveled back and forth between the Northwest and California.
All for different reasons, but the same love and admiration for God is there. For some reason, my heart has been stolen by the Douglas Fir and the urban life. My heart belongs in the cold, so I can realize the warmth.
Portland, Seattle, Newberg.
Everytime my life changes. Decisions based on displacement.


And I am here.
again.

found.

the end to this week was exactly what i needed.
somehow, this week morphed from this grotesque beast into this budding rose.
this week has just been waiting to explode...it did. into something unimaginable in this time of life.
peace.
so much peace.
overwhelming peace.
[i leave for home in 4 days]

I walked tonight to a friend' house, and made dinner.
all four of us, such different people, untouchable even.
held each other. letting God fill where we could not.
prayed for the first time ever. willingly.just knew that i had to. that i was living to pray this prayer of thanksgiving.
we ate like kings, each bringing with us a kingdom of life that can teach one another.
we talked. we did not. we were there. we be.
[i have missed a lot of people]

my relationship with God is independent of man. that is what i am learning.
[going back is a little scary. so excited still]

1.Ruah 2.Pneuma

I went running the other night, during this crazy storm.
I went alone.
It was one of the most exhilirating runs, i have ever ran.
this is my finding:

[We left together,
running off sync.
I came back, alone,
black holes filled my thoughts.

the trees were screaming,
the leaves dancing around me.
the wind silently sweeping amidst,
slicing objects into a painful screech.
death...creeping, arrives.

I have been late to life lately, so i run harder,
against this approaching invisible brick wal.
I unexpectedly find a companion along the way.
He takes many names: i call him friend.
He sharpens me, while i have nothing to give. he sticks around.

Although he is good to me, i am always in a bad mood.
want pity, he gives me reality. my heart blustered.
And so i run away.
but somehow i am running towards him.
I ignore.keep running. turn left. communication presently severed.

As the storm around me storms violently poetic,
my soul soaks up this strange something beautiful.
In sync i run, alone, but together with my friend.
Both storms reciting verse
one caged by blood, the other defined by oxygen and water.

The trees foreshadow what is to come,
my muscles rage against this cement sidewall,
pushing hard, falling slowly. rhythm finds me, i find solitude.
and then, it hits.

storms blending, my voice becomes the tree
the wind is now what carries me.
leaf, scattering now like worries.
somehow this juxtaposition of blood and air, has unified me and my one friend.
his storm.mystorm. my storm, is his storm.]

for some reason, i have been picturing God this whole time as a nice walk in the park, with birds chirping, and children running around on candy highs...
but God is not.
but God is.
He is everything in the world all at once. He is She. They are apart of the war. the destruction. yet, simultaneously, the daisy growing out of the rubble.
God is unstoppable, and will rock you.me.anyone. there is truth though, interwoven in this rock, like a weed. splitting the granite, redefining it's makeup.
I guess the only thing to do...to keep moving.

[for the last week and a half, I have been trying to finish this...
i think this passage sums this feeling up, quite well]

"The Wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sounds, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
-Jesus

bullet -> .

this week is:
taught me to be patient.
given me space.
been blessed with people, i am beginning to love.
frustrating.
["you understand that you are my shadow, right?"]
exemplified grace.
illustrated life.
shown humanity
["well, i hope it does not rain tonight..." "yeh...me too."]
painted beautiful colors.
colored in the lines.
reminded me of the dance.
["..and that is the dance. THAT is exactly what the dance is!"]
remained silent.
existed between the lines.
transcended time.
["i missed you today."]

all walk.

bantering around each other, stumbling.
i run past everyone, making it an art.
as do you, exerting minimal effort.
when will we ever get to walk?
what invisible rule says we cannot?
this dance is getting old.

my tuesday ago.

the invalid;

["Do you want to get well?"
"Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."
"Pick up your mat and walk."

"See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you."]

-John 5

get up. take all my junk, all the shit, all of the mud. and walk. keep on going, never become stagnant again. do not become passionless. get up, and WALK.

this passage has always been so damn hard for me.
i want to talk with Jesus, and tell him that this life is not as easy as just walking away.
everything is connected. our hearts are woven throughout our lives, not just with God.
i think what i am trying to say is that i doubt that man actually stopped sinning, and that makes me sad. scared. hopeless.

this passage, at the same time though, makes me burn with yearning for healing.
it makes me hopeful that if this man who had lain by this "holy pool" for 38 years...38 YEARS, and can take his shit and walk away from embarrassment, brokenness, physical pain, confusion, utter ostracization, all the muck.
[only 19 years]
he has identified with these things all his life, all this "stuff" that seperates us from God, but when focused connects us with God.

through shame, Jesus hangs on the cross.
through brokenness comes healing hands and being held by God
through confusion, God pushes us to question our faith and what we really desire.
through the rejection, God tells us that even though society will not choose us, he does.

above all of this, through all of this, pushing through the battle. comes healing.
comes healing.
comes healing.
[healingofabrokensoul]

today:
picking myself up.
walking.
not away, but towards;

an airplane ride away.

A soccer game, a bedroom, a movie credits.
A blur, eyes straining the horizon for what once was.
Everything falls, but somehow holds.
A long trip north, just two people.
Hearts spill into an alabaster jar of love.

We are just two people.
Connected only by love.
I search for the meaning of love. of grace. of forgiveness.
And here it has been walking up and down driveways for the past 19 years of my life.

I remember the excitement waiting for you to come home,
Sitting, searching out the window for a familiar light.
Not being able to contain, bursting out of the door.
Being received with love,
pouring into you what I could muster, out of these small hands.

You are so good to me. You are so gracious with me. You are too many things for me.
I am careless with you. I am selfish with you. I am not enough for you.
You teach me forgiveness, while I scream.
You show me love, while you hold me.
You encounter me in the best way you can, and yet it is more than enough.

I have never known love like yours.
I do not understand it. I cannot fathom it. All I can do is try.
Is trying enough? I will never be, what you are for me.
You amaze me. You acknowledge me. You know me.

You are a funny thing, that you are.
You do not know me at all, yet you know so much more about me than I do.
You cannot understand, but you still accept me.
You have no reason at all to love me, and yet you persist.

All these years, I never knew.
All these years, I fought free of your arms.
All these years, I was holding onto the past.
When I knew nothing, you understood everything.

Somehow, you found it in your heart to love me.
When I was, by society, unlovable.
While others would have thrown me out,
You opened your doors.

It takes a man to love. it makes you a man to love, you are a man.
When I needed a mother, you held me.
When I needed a friend, you listened the best,
When I needed to destruct, you would build me up.
You are special. You are a beautiful. You are everything.

When I think of you, I used to see:
Distance, oppression, and carelessness
When I see you know, I see: love and everything that embodies it.
I see cheering me on, while it is my turn to shine.
I see altruism, while I conducted a coup d’état, invading like an insect
I strain, through tears of joy, onto a dim-lit room,
Being held in your arms, singing, and encouraging me in the unknown.

[A middle aged man,
sipping his mocha with three raw sugars,
staring at the people that pass by.
He knows what he is looking for.
He cannot name it, but once he finds it, he will not give up.

Persistence and valiance, hidden beneath an old grin.
People perceive him to be shy and quiet,
break past this façade and you will see beauty that nobody has never known.
Not even he can recognize it.

His life has been a hard one, not seeing the sun often,
His love has always been constant, intake lacking.
He knows what lonliness is, he understands a broken heart.
He is scared to speak, for if he does…he might break.
And so, he sits, and becomes a watchmen.
Searching for the untamable, the unnamable, the un…

Suddenly, his eyes spark, his slouch stiffens
A familiar grin spreads across the wrinkles
Tears start to brim.
He has found it.

And then a blond wild thing,
Arms flailing, eyes bright, cheeks red,
Comes, running towards this man.
He has no other idea than scooping this little thing,
Into his arms, never letting go.
He picks him up…

And everything settles.
Things make sense again.
All the love transcends this fear.
Nothing can break this.]

i choose you too.

the night.

Let it flow. Let it ride. Let it be.
All day long, has consisted of climbing up and down stairs.
Up, down, up up up,down down, dance with someone, down down.
Never finding a destination, just ascending and descending.
No rest. Keep moving, keep moving to survive.
If I stop, surely gravity will ride.
I will not be governed by gravity, no not today.

Picture this:
a cold walk towards a warm feeling.
The flame of candles and hearts deceive images upon the wall.
Voices rise in unison once the crescendo hits.
a sleepy awakening, welcoming hearts.
Descending again, into a place of value and love and healing.
Being held is nice. Holding is nice too.
intention.

This week was so..long.
let it flow.let it ride.let it fly.

the 'tween hours.

November, 3 .everything.
i feel like everything just blurs.
i feel caught in the middle, in every way.

nothing settles.
nothing really makes sense.
nothing comes into focus, either way.

i cannot even try to clutch for anything.
and so i wait.
and so i sit.
and so i keep my eyes open, on the horizon.

for this night is so long.

"Gentlemen look on this wonder,
Whatever the bids of the bidders they cannot be high enought for it,
For it the globe lay preparing quintrillions of years without one animal or plant,
For it be revolving cycles truly and steadily roll'd.

In this head the all-baffling brain,
In it and below it makings of heroes.

Examine these limbs, red, black, or white, they are cunning in tendon and nerve,
They shall be stript that you may see them.

Exquisite senses, life-lit eyes, pluck, violation,
Flakes of breast-muscle, pliant black backbone and neck, flesh not flabby, good-sized arms and legs,
And wonders within there yet.

Within there runs blood,
Te same old blood! the same red-running blood!
There swells and jets a heart, there all passions, desires, reachings, aspirations."

[oh Walty, you put it so swell.]