gone away.

shaved that shit.
i miss free time. ha!

i sit here staring out the window,
watching the cars go by;
i am tired and my bones show.
i feel good today. i kicked today's ass..hard.
God...
where have i gone? why am i so far?
my head whirls.
cannot think through this fog.
although, we are seperated, i know things were once good.
i remember that.
you know the intricate folds of my inner being,
understand me more than i can even fathom.
youloveme.for who you have made metobe.
thanks.
postscript. sorry that i am me.

learning to be me. learning to find truth everyday. i need a groundation [ground+foundation]
i miss flying.

enter in. hello, nice to meet you. let's talk.

a new day.

everyday is new.

with the sun's hello comes a washed visage.
do not paint a picture...leave it alone.
be new.exist.be.
with each new day comes another chance.
it means we are not damned to our imperfection.
we can rest in God's embrace. even though we are dirty.
even though as hard as we try to scrub off these visages, we cannot.
we are broken. we have pasts. we come with nothing of worth.
BUT! we cannot forget. we must remember,
God forgets. he takes us in whatever state we come in, regardless.
He is the one to brush us off, take our hands, and walk along side us in the morning mist.
renewal everyday. do not forget, He forgets.

[do not disregard God's soviergnty though. He will flip your ass in a quick minute.]

i am of no worth. You find worth in me. thanks.

"The LORD will fight for you;

you need only to be still."
Exodus 14:14

trying to remember this.hardhardhard. so worth it.

picture perfect.

trying to figure out what i am, with God, in God, for God.
This week has been a hard one. a lot of things to think about and change. I am trying to be more intentional in my relationships with people.
this is all hard to do on top of homework.

I am reading through exodus right now for my old testamnet class. it is amazing.
Moses is so...inspirational. I want his tenacity and strength. he has so much COURAGE.
God said "GO," and he did. HE DID.

I want to follow like that. give me strength.

rainy day.

This day has been an interesting one.

Chapel today, was inspirational...a little bit.
I was blown away by the way the speaker illustrated our relationship with God.
he used unlikely, but such fitting, words to describe what our relationship with God should become, should have become before the Fall of humanity.

So many times this week, these past three weeks, have I heard this talk about Adam and Eve and their ultimate sin...many htoughts have been presented. Many times, the idea is presented that our relationship with God would have come so naturally, like the decompostition of the Earth, like the creation of the world on paper, when you remember your first love: how easy it was to be around them, how easy it was to give your heart to them...
This is exactly what, who God is though....this is what i have read and been told:

love.

This is a hard concept for me to understand because I am nowhere close to God at all. in no way can i call myself altruistic as Jesus has been called. There is no way for me to come close with what Adam and Eve had. i am a sad excuse of the shell of a Christ follower.
The speaker today said that they[adam+eve] were naked, but not ashamed at all in front of God and each other. This is difficult to undersatand becasue the way naked is used in our culture signifies no clothing. naked bodies. private parts. blushing faces. This is not what God had intended for us, his creation...I was created, i was supposed to be created without shame, lack of insecurity, stable. God made us in his own image.
we were created to be vulnerable with each other, created to love each other, created for relation with each other.
what will this truly look like? were we supposed to love everyone? what would it look like if humanity had not picked the short stick? would there still be a Jesus?

How do i? i mean...i am not sure if i can be relational with everyone. it's literally impossible. how can i go, everyday, sin judgement?

a friend asked me today something today:
David, what are you looking for?

i said, "God."

I was walking somewhere today. alone.contemplation.
I wondered waht it would be like to ignore these feelings of deep wounds. this feeling of lonliness, hard thoughts. hard to face myself. i contemplated this idea of running away from these feelings, supressing them, and just forget about them for awhile. how good that would feel.
I was savoring the idea, licking my lips for the taste of good feelings, swooning to this utopia...then it hit me.
I was given these feelings for a reason. if God is relational, and God gave us this human condition of seeking people intimately, i would be running away. i would be brushing past my emotions and my feelings, and acting as if these feelings were irrelevant to being. to be. irrelevent to God's relationship with me.
i would be running out on God. i would be fulfilling what i have been trying to stop, my lack of faith.
i am not running this time.
things shall pass with time...

it rained today. with rain comes renewal. hellorestart.

blank canvas.

I guess i am just tired.
tired of the unknown, and romantacizing about what could be.
i am finished with building people up in my head.
i am tired of letting myself down, everytime. everytime. every single time.

i am searching for this thing. searchingintently.
i know not what i am looking for, but i seem to open myself up to anything that looks remotely like it. anything that feels like it.
i do not know who i am. i know what i feel. i do not understand how people know who they are.

people were singing this song in chapel today, goes like this..."i know who i am," 3x....i do not get that. maybe these hundreds of people around me, really do understand themselves. maybe, i am just the weird one that was born with an imbalance?
it is my struggle everyday to understand myself more. hello college. hello God.
This is me. i am trying my hardest to understand who God made me to be. Why he wants me to be. tobe.
hardest thing i have ever done, to understand God's relationship with me.

such confusion.

i am confused.
i guess i feel like i should be impressing someone right now. ha! i feel like i should be writing in this differently to make you see me more, more like you. gosh, when did i become so...hopeful? so dumb? so passionately enthralled by the idea of you? we will never happen. gosh.
i see myself being repulsed by the idea of hopeless dreaming and hopeless love, but i am exactly what i hate.

i watch so much everyday, from place to place. i walk, i see. i see, i judge. i judge, iamshamed. how can i be so naive and ignorant to the fact that everybody is in the same boat.
scared. acceptance crazed. expectations never fully met.

so many thoughts swirling inside. so many things left unsiad, but felt through my bones.
what.the.fuck.

none of this was supposed to happen. i guess i had this idea. this plan of what could go down, not of what actually will go down.

ifallfast.

let it fly. let me fly.
p.l.db

eye of the beholder.

tonight.

what.the. hell.
today was so much more than i thought it could have been.so good.

it took courage tonight to take my shirt off. symbolically and literally.
i took it off, literally, to be a "skin" on an...ULTIMATE FRISBEE...game. i never take off my shirt, very crazy tongiht. i never ever do that. the things God does with me!
Symbolically, my shirt, my comfort, my shadow to hide behind, i took off this evening. i walked along beside a true friend of mine...with that ginger girl. she needed a friend, and i let her know i am here, for however long she will let me be. scares the crap out of me, but i felt God giving me strength to be brave. vulnerable.
she has potential. she is fragile, yet strong, but still being molded. are not we all?
she has a spot in me. i wish good things upon her. i wish truth upon you ginger girl.
i got a thing for gingers...bs.

let it fly.
tatooed onto my left thumb?

haning out with alaska is more fun than not. he is so chill. i enjoy his time even if we are BOTH on our computers. he is a grand time.

love.peace.db
postscript.remembering who i am today.

sitting outside.
frantically running from bees and french homework.
listening to foreign music.
lovelovelove today.

buller's shearwater.

peace of mind.

this whole song explains everything. i keep on trying to pick and choose, but i cannot...everything is so right. i want to walk with you, next to you, whatever distance. we all change.letsnot.
wish it was that easy...

today we served for the day around the portland area, the whole school.
it was a little harder than i thought. brought a few memories back from high school mission trips.
worthless feelings. hard to persevere. difficult to find peace.
i did.isawthesunrise.

Lately...
i have become this paternal figure to some. this scares me. so much responsibility.
i like being this, but i hold a lot of weight.

last night:
beautiful words spread around.
giggling behing locked doors.
mashmellow shoot out.
late night study sessions turned life stories.
missing dads.

offensive.

Hello, my name is College. Nice to meet you.

I went to a church this morning, and I have ever been so angry and loved it at the same time.
The sermon was about creationism, out of Genesis. The man speaking was a valid teacher, credentialed and all, that was the most offensive man i have ever heard speak.

He kept on bringing his own opinion into the sermon. evoluntion.portland.liberals.PETA.greenmoevment.globalwarming. he has every right to those opinions.
i think the hardest thing was that evryone around me was agreeing and laughing at all the right points. They were so nonchalant about the things he was saying. That scares me a little, to be one of the few in this church that disagreed.
i am starting to realize how good i had it in the bay. i am starting to realize how amaing diversity of culture can be. i am starting to realize how good it is to have different thoughts around you, instead of being surrounded with like-minded people, in regards to politics and religion.

the last few days have been hard ones. but so good for me. so good.

there have been:
late night walks amongst the woods.
twinkling lights burning in hands.
feelings torn. bridges built. honesty spoken.
open air.
studying.stuying.new thoughts weaved.
coffee,books,freinds.

my mango be ready.

blah.

i like most of my roommates.
give me difference in perspective.

introspect.

"Just so hollow and ineffectual, for the most part, is our ordinary conversation. Surface meets surface. When our life ceases to be inward and private, conversation degenerates into mere gossip. We rarely meet a man who can tell us ant news which he has not read in a newspaper, or been told by his neighbor; and, for the most part, the only difference between us and our fellow is, that he has seen a newspaper, or been out to tea, and we have not. In proportion as our inward life fails, we go more constantly and desperately to the post office. You may depend on it, that the poor fellow who walks away with the greatest number of letters, proud of his extensive correspondence, has not heard from himself this long while." -h.d.t.

beautiful words of wisdom. i am in awe.

euphoria.

Do you ever just have those days, where you have no reason to be happy or excited about anything...but you are. you have piles of homework and you are loaded down with emotional baggage and could take a nap all day....but you are happy about all of this. you are excited to learn. grow. to be.

bcqwuoyfvuyoqhbhjbscdov vcuov. so happy.

the sun, behold, is beautiful.

music flows through my motions, signing out good vibes.

friends.

playful sillies. hiding shoes. laughing wildly.

today has s much potential. letsmakeitgood.