LENT

Wel, look where I have come. in the midst of my second semester of sophomore year, articulating my thoughts via blog-world, while i should be studying for a test I have in two hours. ha!
I guess I will start then.

This week, my whole nursing experience has been about death. It was a great kick-off to a monday morning for two hours; the lecture was about grieving. It made me think a lot about my mother and how I grieved for her life. I grieved for her childhood, for her first miscarriage of a marrigae, and then for her lack of existence amonst my life. Knowing that she died, choosing her own death puts a bullet through my chest. An exercise was given to us in class: we talked about an expereince where we grieved, and what it felt like, if we could change anything. Lamenting that if I knew what was going to happen to my mother, i would have told her to stop for us. i would have told her that she was selfish, and that i thought she was worthy of God's love...and my love. As I dwell more and more upon the manifestations of her demons, I see more and more of their destruction and their effects on her interactions with people. I also see the same demons in my own life...which terrifies me. She had once known God's love; and it made her beautiful. I remember looking at pictures of us as a family, and you could see the life and hope in her eyes when she was sober. Trying not to be cliche, but she was a, "beautiful disaster." She could see God's love and how real it was, but she could not let herself succumb to it. She was strong enough to see beyond the past, yet she was too scared to let herself fall away and be reborn into something awfully beautiful.
So I guess when i greive, i see all of what could be. All of what was. and all of what is; what is left over; what is yet to be.
this post was for yesterday, the 9th of March.
the aftermath: we were the lucky ones.

Many parts, one body.

When is it that we stop caring about each other?
Where in a relationship does fracture occur?
Why is so easy to let anger steep, but so hard to let off?
When does something become so daunting that we retreat in fear to the familiar?

Does not God tell us to be courageous in our fear for he is our strength...I want courage. Oh God, do I want courage. My heart screams for courage for others. I yearn for this celestial courage. courage. courage. courage.
to love.

Questions. I need answers. that is all that I have been desiring lately.
I just want questions answered. They infest my mind like roaches.
My mind is fogged to the point of no return.
It is to the point where I can think of nothing else; just foggy roaches.

I pray for rest. and contentment. and perseverance.

inspiration

Eyes scanning the room, looking for an escape route.
This is too much.
i thought i could swim faster harder longer than this. I look down and notice the floatation device between my legs. just goes to show you how disconnected i am to it all.
The room plays close to the record, almost never skips a beat. and here we are being secretive and lovely.
i feel sick to my stomach.

i pray for something that will come and save me. I pray for another savior. I pray for my demise, and your grandeur.
[I do not think i can be nice anymore.
I cannot stand by and take each blow with decency.
I am not that kid, never been.
You can take the kid out of the fight, but the fight's still here baby.]

dreams.

So many dreams last night. All of them, almost all of them, took place in Newberg Oregon.
Which is so different because I usually do not dream about new places until they feel like home.
home...
I am in Newberg Oregon and i am home. I do not know yet if the magic of it has faded or what, but while I was home this summer I found this overwhelming amazement and joy about where I had lived for the past 18 years of my life. Milpitas California is beautiful, nestled violently and obliviously in the crook of the calaveras hills' bust.

So I am in Newberg finally.
It is weird though, just becasue I am not used to how everthing just falls right back into place. It is strange strange strange how it is so easy for everything to fall back into place. I am not sure how i feel about that all yet.
My days have been fun nonetheless though! I have really enjoyed seeing old faces.
Things are different, things are the same.

hmmm...what am i thinking?
I am so excited about school, but i will miss home much more than I had ever expected.
i will miss this town terribly.

What has been happening lately...
I worked my last day of work on saturday, I will miss them until I go back during the holidays.
i am gaining weight, which says something about my lifestyle...I am finally calming down and not frantic about.
Today I got to sit and listen to an old friend of mine talk, whom I will always cherish.
Lately i have been really happy. not just something fleeting, but truly happy.
Today I laughed the hardest I have all summer, the kind where your back hurts and you cannot steer correctly anymore from the tears streaming down your face.
Saturday i leave for George Fox University. i have a big knot in my stomach.
Most of all, I will miss my family horribly. They have sort of become my best friends over the season. My love to you boy who sleeps feet away from me.

Check this guy out, the name of his band's name is Passenger. pretty British. British=amazing.

A lazy boy

it is the end of July and I am horribly sick like i have been standing outside in the rain for the past twelve hours...baha! I went and "volunteered" up at a summer camp for two straight days; in reality I just sat and lounged around the pool for two days working on my tan and fattening up on great camp food. I am pretty sure that I got this sickness from/for two reasons:
1.i have been running non-stop this summer. I have been busy ever since and before I got this job at the theatres. it has been fun, but not a lot of rest and sleep has come due to it...so when I went up to camp, I am pretty sure that a sickness was just waiting to sneak up on me. I have heard that somtimes when you are super busy for a long time, and then slow down, your immune system slows down a bit and lets down it's defenses. No idea how scientific that is, no qoutes please.
2. I was living with eight other guys during this stay and one of them was quite ill, while two other boys were either getting over sickness or surrendering to it's grip.
Other than this sickness, i am doing very well.

I have realized something.
I am very weary of saying that I am good, when I actually am doing very well. I always feel as if, whenver I am good, the slightest movement will trigger a landslide of pin drops that will be my defeat. I feel that most times I am not allowed to feel alright becasue others elsewhere are having bad ones. I thikn that if I admit I am having really good days, God will just take them away.
I have things to definately be thankful for, but I think I have forgotten how to be joyful for them. Is it a sin to be scared of a reality that I am not used to?

thankyou.

sun encapturing hill

Against these hills, I feel so small.

I feel so damn small next to these brilliantly beautiful hills.

and I like that.