A lazy boy

it is the end of July and I am horribly sick like i have been standing outside in the rain for the past twelve hours...baha! I went and "volunteered" up at a summer camp for two straight days; in reality I just sat and lounged around the pool for two days working on my tan and fattening up on great camp food. I am pretty sure that I got this sickness from/for two reasons:
1.i have been running non-stop this summer. I have been busy ever since and before I got this job at the theatres. it has been fun, but not a lot of rest and sleep has come due to it...so when I went up to camp, I am pretty sure that a sickness was just waiting to sneak up on me. I have heard that somtimes when you are super busy for a long time, and then slow down, your immune system slows down a bit and lets down it's defenses. No idea how scientific that is, no qoutes please.
2. I was living with eight other guys during this stay and one of them was quite ill, while two other boys were either getting over sickness or surrendering to it's grip.
Other than this sickness, i am doing very well.

I have realized something.
I am very weary of saying that I am good, when I actually am doing very well. I always feel as if, whenver I am good, the slightest movement will trigger a landslide of pin drops that will be my defeat. I feel that most times I am not allowed to feel alright becasue others elsewhere are having bad ones. I thikn that if I admit I am having really good days, God will just take them away.
I have things to definately be thankful for, but I think I have forgotten how to be joyful for them. Is it a sin to be scared of a reality that I am not used to?

thankyou.

sun encapturing hill

Against these hills, I feel so small.

I feel so damn small next to these brilliantly beautiful hills.

and I like that.

catdog

It is a beautifully overcast morning.
it is so bittersweet to sit here and know that I cannot soak it up all day...it will leave soon, and my day must begin. alas, it is still the most curiously entrapping thing I have experienced in a while.

I have this dog named princess, and I find her the most annoying thing ever. She can not decide if she likes me or not. She never seems to recognize me because she is probably slightly senile. She snarls all the time and barks non-stop for no apparent reason except to be my downfall. She does not listen to me either. Then at night when she wants to sleep, she curls up underneath my desk and just rests peacefully. She is crazy, but adorable at the same time. a kind of endearing craziness.
Galen always gives me a hard time about treating her well because she is scared of me.

As I was brooding on my bed one night about how annoying she was, I let myself reign in on my feelings and get to the root of what really annoyed me. I thought about it for a little while and let my mind wander...
I realized that I was looking at a mirror image of my soul's spiritual journey, as I gazed into this little rodent's beady black eyes; she was fearfully curled up underneath my desk staring at my every move. Everyday my attention-starved soul screams and yells for love and craves some deep connection with anything at arm's length. I never listen to the Holy Spirit's calling, and my faith is forever doubtful of what God holds dearly in my future. Always though, when I sense damage from others or fear the unknown, I crawl up into our Father's hands: I hide in a familiar known.

I was dumbstruck by the likeness of my brain to this mutt...i offended myself, i honestly had. I was awestruck.
I guess I should try and change huh? Do they have human pounds in heaven? like catdog pounds, but for humans?

i could not help it!

summer thus far

I am loving summer with all my might.
Ifellcontent today!

For the past two weeks, I have been working at the theatres, and tomorrow I start my new job at Tilly's (clothing store). I am a little apprehensive about two jobs, but I think I can do it. I have been loving working at the movie theatres, which is the exact opposite of me usually, but i really enjoy it. I like the people I work with, I enjoy the crazy customers, I like how fast it all can be sometimes...how concentrated I can get...making lists in my head of what needs to get done...and what not. I love it!

Hmmm, ysterday I went into the ocean..only waded, but still this is the first time in three years. she was mighty and feirce. The wind was coming quick as well, but we did get a fire going which was nice and toasty. I enjoyed my time with the people I went with also...they made my day off good.
I do not know if i am going to the beach again this summer...or at least into her waters.

I finished harry potter again, and started EAT PRAY LOVE...which is so nice. It is all about this woman's journey towards peace and life. It is a lot like million little pieces, except that this woman has more of a head on her shoulders and weaves her wisdom and knowledge throughout her free flow. it is amazing actually. I have wanted to underline almost every other word. ha!

Lets see....I am going to see wicked in August with my brother Galen, and we are both super excited about that!
I am leaving both jobs on August 18th, the same day as my next dentist appointment.
Then I am pretty sure i leave the bay for the north again for the winter on the 21st of August. I am leaving early becasue i want to start looking for a job that I can work for the year, earlier than the first week of school. See i have planned it out because if i start then...i will be in the throws of my online biochemistry course's final...and the first week of school! So I decided to go a week early for school and stay with an assortment of people I have yet to call. BUT, I know for sure that i will be making money that week because I am working my work study job from last year this upcoming year as well. I guess for my next job, I am shooting for something I can work on the weekends and maybe weekday evenings...no idea, but something that will also give me time to study. I know I am picky, but sometimes we can be, right?

whoever reads this, let me know how you are!

known unknown

God I ask for your healing touch.
I pray for the ones that do not want love.
Lord I ask that you give me words...strength...to love them within the borders safe.

Today,
I miss spending time with him.

searching.

I missed a lot of things today.
the sunrise.
camp.
my mate.
my friend.
being in love.
enjoying a day full of nothing.
the weather up north.
the north.

I realized a lot of things today too.
i am stronger than i think.
when you take out your heart of the equation, things seem to make a lot more sense.
when you take out your heart, sometimes life can be lonely.
God is righteous, eternal, divine.
I am where i am supposed to be, even if it feels foreign.

alas! today was a foggy day.
the search must continue though.