"I know that I can trust you."

Gosh, so many damn things have happened in the past two weeks it’s almost too daunting all to talk about. Where to start…

I think the word that invades my mind is .I N T E N S E.

From the beginning:

Me and a dear friend of mine drove up the coast on our way back up to school, and it was all encompassing. Truth upon our hearts and lips with every bend in the curvy road. Lies shouted at the cold Northern Pacific Ocean. Play along the invasive blackberry bushes of the highway and fun in Portland with other dear friends. We arrived at school, and immediately started training for Peer Advising, which is just helping with Orientation and First Year Seminar classes for the incoing graduating class of 2016.

The Middle:

It was amazing. Never before have I had so much fun with a group of people that I was only working with in a non-spiritual capacity. I mean, everything is spiritual, but Peer Advising is, to an extent, nothing more than practical than spiritual. This might sound weird, but it was spiritually and emotionally filling to just be a, “worker bee,” and just do what I was told. I think after this summer of making decisions on my own, and how spiritually exhausting it was to be present at camp, God knew that I needed to just get shit done and do work. At camp, I was always on call so I mean work came when it did and when it wanted to. I was never told when I needed to work or where I needed to be most of the time-so to just have a schedule and structure was nice. Ironically, it was exhausting. I was never that tired at camp, ever; a lot of energy was needed for this last week. God provided, and it was beautiful.

Inbetween Here and There:

Coming back to such a familiar place, being such a different person is an interesting thing-maybe not a different person, but a more free person. More free in Christ. More free to be me, and not care about lies that I have in the past. Lies that tell me I am different and that is weird. Lies that exclude me from the general population. Lies that mean I cannot go to Heaven. Lies that say that I am not skinny enough, fit enough, _______ enough. Lies that tell me that to be satisfied, I have to be in a relationship always. Lies that tell me I am not male enough. Fuck that shit dude.

So being back in this community has been amazing. I have had some really rich conversations with great souls, and some more intense conversations that were a little draining. One theme though in all of them were that we were searching for T R U T H placing our eyes on Jesus, and desiring his peace and strength. In the joy of being honest with fellow peers, and in the deep deep brokenness of lies, Jesus was there. In the rejuvenation of long friends and the deep and passionate hurt of long friendship, Jesus was there. In the quietness of monotonous tasks, and the energy of new faces, Jesus is there. Jesus is here, everywhere, and all we have to do is notice Him. Perspective.

{I know I have said this a lot, and it is T R U T H. I have never felt this confidence before. Christ is alive and working in me and through me-I am merely a vessel of his love. All that I have to do is stay free from Satan’s L I E S, and confident in the fact that Jesus died for my humanness so that I could be free. Knowing that fact is one thing, but believing it and getting there has been such a long, intense, bloody, heartbreakingly perseverant endeavor. If you take anything away from this blurb yet again about freedom, know that it is there. Know that if you just press on a little longer, it is there-just around the curve. Believe that through every hardship, the perseverace to keep moving along and trudging through the muck and mire builds. Believe that Christ died for a reason, for you and I. Believe this. Know that we have a duty to spread God’s love throughout this world in the capacities that we have been blessed with. Believe that you are capable of spreading His kingdom further than you imagined. Know that Christ has given us the room to be free of lies and burdens and heartbreak, to rely on Christ’s providing, and to invite others into that freedom. Believe that Christ has placed in us the capacity and responsibility to love others in beautiful and creative ways. Believe this. If you can do anything productive today-believe this.}

Today: 

Hebrews 2-3. Please take the time to read this, and listen to this song- “Climb,” by United Pursuit Band. Kill two birds with one stone, and do them at the same time-WOOHOOO! Multi-tasking!

Family, I miss you and love you.

Welp- today happened.

Today was a day of extremes. 

Extreme joy-Extreme peace-Extreme frustration-Extreme thankfulness-Extreme bravery-

Extreme work out.

Today the Lord blessed me in so many different unexpected ways that I could only sit and take it in. I have not been able to process it all, and I will probably be processing it throughout the week, but He has been so F A I T H F U L to me. 

So many prayers answered. 

Also a lot of doors left open though-we will see where they lead, if they will at all. 

I'm so hopeful.

on a different note: a night hike with the my brother above the town amongst the hills. 

words cannot adequately explain what happened tonight. 

He is my best friend. enough said. 

.backdraft.

As I was sitting in church today, I felt so great. I was on top of the world!
A thought crossed my mind while I was sitting and wading through my euphoria-if people whom find freedom are free...what will they ever deal with again?
Really, my question was-will I ever deal with anything again? What else is there to traverse through? I must be bulletproof. I was thinking about all of this during the announcements, and I had the faintest tingling in my stomach. I must be bulletproof. untouchable.

push comes to shove-So the pastor started to say words, and I listened to him.
and I  b r o k e. 

He questioned what we are still filing our lives with, rather than God. what we still were? Ha, Someone did not get the memo this Sunday did they Mr. Pastor-Man!
Hmm, maybe God forgot to mention to him that I just won the race. 

It hit me like Backdraft. the word still was pivotal-it was in the present form. H E R E and N O W
Did I really believe that I was going to be my own Savior for the rest of my life?
Gag me, I felt so dumb!
What was I still a slave to? What am I still putting stock in to feel worthy enough?
-my, "need," to be in a relationship.
-my image (body, clothing, reputation)
-every insecurity out there (table for one, please!)

I guess something I had not considered was this: 

 "Shoot. Well you wrote about freedom. Sometimes I feel like I do have it and other times not." 

A friend said that to me the other day, and it makes me wonder if freedom is specific to only situations or can you find it in all areas of your life? Did i really find freedom? I think it HAS to be situationally specific. Just because I let something huge go that I felt like had, and in fact did, consume me for years, does not mean that everything else will be taken care of.
I picture it like this: Our personal demons can be like tumors-they can get so giant in our souls. They can and will take over what we have left of our souls if we do not deal with those demons. It will consume us if not taken care of. Say though, that we finally have enough courage and bravery and motivation to deal with that tumor. We cut ourselves open, and take a look inside. We are surprised to find that the tumor is bigger than we thought-it has been supported by blood vessels which bring back and forth blood to and from our hearts. When you stop and marvel at it, all one can see is just one big pulsating mass, with little tendons of vessel keeping it in place. It almost looks as if it is a heart. So we go to work on it. It takes days, weeks, months, maybe even years, but at last. LONG LAST, we are done! We are free!!! When we look to see the work that has been done inside our inmost beings, we see a clean hole where the tumor once was; glorious day.
But wait! Although the tumor is gone, the blood vessels are still there, and ready to attach pass life to the next tumor.
One thing that i missed was that my one big tumor had so many blood vessels giving it life and feeding into it that I did not realize multifaceted slavery I was producing and taking hand in.

I think you have to be ready to FULLY let go of whatever you are holding, and let God do the rest. What is the harm though?

Lesson # 1.
Only because you find freedom in one major area of your life, does not mean that your life will be perfect in other ones. welcome.
Lesson # 2.
Do not watch Pixar's Brave when you are exhausted. That shit'll make you cry for no reason whatsoever.

and this.

love this. love her.

.coming home.

    I remember more than a year ago making a piece of multi-media art that touched on the subject of coming home. At the time, I had made a roundabout of life, disowning myself from my family, to coming back, refusing to be loved by them, and finally making my way back to nestling in their arms of open grace and love. The piece particularly used the examples of elephants growing up and leaving their herds and then by the time they are adults will come back to the herd and die with them. I wrote the lines, "Although they leave, they know where home is, they will come back, they always do."
I felt as I ended my summer last summer, I was ready to come. back. home. I felt like the prodigal son even. Before I left home, i burned bridges right and left disregarding people's feelings. i came back broken and needing love, I needed to show them that I could love.
T R U S T.
I needed to make sure that I could trust them, and more importantly that they could trust me not to leave again in such a fuss. I think in the same way that elephants come back, they needed to see the change in me that I was here for keeps-I was going to die with them.

It has been more than a year now that I made that piece of art.
It has been more than a year that I have come home.

Yesterday was a hard day-a lot of saying certain goodbyes amongst a lot of uncertainty.
I said a final goodbye to the summer staff 2012 of camp, and it was difficult because it signified a new beginning of individual, if that makes sense- I will always feel connected to these beautiful people, but we will never be all together again in the same place, save heaven.
The uncertainty stemmed from freshly wading through old feelings of bitterness and heartbreak with a new friend.
I was thinking about how embittering those feelings of self-hate and rejection were when I felt them in past years...nauseatingly, I remember them. They were some of my darkest days if I am telling the truth.
 F R E E D O M  I N  C H R I S T (through the forest)-this saved me from my self-hate and rejection.

I know this sounds quite cliche, but it has been through God that I have found freedom from myself.
It has been through Jesus Christ that I am not a slave to my faults and misgivings.
It is because of Him that I come home, say goodbye, and write in this dumbass blog. I have found words again because of our relationship.


The one thing that I can say for certain is this: H O L D  O N, my friend. hold fast to hope. There will be rest one day, and when it comes it will be rich. it is rich. Keep on pressing on towards Christ and do not forget to love yourself because what He made is G O O D. Remember to live by the Spirit, like it says in Galatians-love fully, be joyful, find peace, be patient, be kind, do good, scream for F A I T H F U L L N E S S, live life with a gentle spirit, and have self-control. We were called to be F R E E. Sofuckingdoit. 

until next time, enjoy my socks as much as I do.

A slow wake this morning felt wonderful. I slumbered amongst the covers in between prayers and sleep until breakfast.
I have been praying all morning. for the staff, for the campers, for myself, for her parents. prayer.
Once I got up, the chaos of a meal consumed me-as it always does.
I let myself go in the overwhelming stimulation of it all, and paid attention to everything that I could care less about; i felt myself losing my grip on inhibition. What was going on? Why was I acting so weird?
Then, in about a second flat my friend came rushing into the dining hall and after making eye contact i knew something was wrong. Instantly I asked what I could do. I knew those eyes, that look, that posture of scanning the room.
I alerted the right people of the situation, and ran like crazy to the right location. praying for her. praying for the camper.
As I was running, I realized that this would be the day out of any day of summer that Satan would try and break us down in some way. So I prayed for protection and strength and courage to face failure and rejection and in return-love.
While in the room it was tough as a human being and nurse to know what to do I just held her hand and talked to her while she was battling her own demons the paramedics came and took information left and a few went to the hospital as they alwways do while the rest of us try to regroup and recover. that was that-the morning went on-just like that.
It is always weird to keep on going after something that traumatic happens because sometimes all one can do is sit and breath. sit. breathe.


One way that I sit and breathe is through worship of my Creator, God. One of my favorite and richest forms of worship is through music. Being at camp it is so easy to take part in worship through music-every morning and evening.
Specifically this morning, I was looking forward to siting and breathing. I felt as if I needed it more than anything in the world. So when the staff devotional walked throughout the dining hall in a shadow of a person, my inner being waiting to just fall into the arms of my Creator to sustain me, restore me, to just hold me. As I walked through the dining hall, I saw tears rolling down people's faces, emotions brimming over, staff members being pushed to the breaking point.
today of all days, Satan will try and attack.
"Fuck you Satan," is what my brain said. So I pray for her. For her family. the ones affected. i p r a y.


I walk down the steps to the ampitheatre for the first and last set of worship outside with a dear friend, coffee in hand, feeling my soul starting to brim over.
Then I see the girls carrying their friend, and my heart sinks. I cannot worship today. my hopes of finding peace today have been dashed. I was going to ice an ankle instead of sing.

Something changes though...a seed of hope is planted in my head. a rope is thrown to me from my Creator.
I heard the feelings and wrapping of arms around me, stepping onto the deck with the girls. Said the most easily, God reminded me that I was here for the campers, not myself-first and foremost. He reminded me that I did not need to be in worship through music, to worship him. God reminded me that even though I am not able to sit and breathe, He will still strengthen me.
H E W I L L S T R E N G T H E N M E. and I believe it this time.

"That's okay with me," I reminisce to myself as I smile at the girls and ask, "What seems to be the problem ladies?"

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and let all that's within me shout out..."
After a day of celebrating my father and our unique friendship, i came home and cried out to G O D in anger. Even in the most sacred of moments, it seems my selfish heart could not be thankful for what I had...
Desire is an interesting thing.
I am reading this book about how our superficial desires of the heart and flesh are only representations of our deeper desires for no sin.
For whole hearts.
For G O D.

Driving home-I was honest.
Laying upon the dock-I was honest.
Dreaming and creating with people-I am honest.

welcome to the dream team.

"This is my prayer in the desert
and all that's within me feels dry..."
I sang this song this morning in the Redwoods amongst young souls and Romantics-thankful for that.
Abruptly when I sang this line, I knew that it was not this way for myself-maybe even the antitheses.

The picture that was in my head was a canvas with a saturation of colors on it, and swirling around it while it was levitating above in the air, and i was painting it all.
I do not feel dry at all, but overwhelmed by all of these bright and fantastical colors. so vivid and real-such an answer to prayer.
Overwhelming, but an answer nonetheless.

I have been realizing how much has changed since I graduated from high school.
I come upon finishing my undergraduate in nine months time. insane.

Summer 2009

 Christmas 2011

Just looking at the difference-I just look more tired. bahah!